Vacation time for my ego and I

Don't know if you've noticed, but my blogposts have been a bit 'jangly' and offcentred for the past while (ie, beyond my usual neurotic, carping ways). I've been feeling pretty over-the-top. As of today, I'm taking a short vacation from this weblog.

Someone also recently comunicated something to me, which is quite true: I have an addiction. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol - but I am addicted to finding constant *highs* to keep me from feeling my own inner pain. I'm hooked on praise and feeling special; I'm obsessed with 'success' and creating tangible outcomes (despite my clear lack of these, for such a long time); I love being at the centre of my own dramas; and, like an addict, I have great difficulty in maintaining any meaningful or lasting relationships with people. I'm too wired out. I'm preoccupied with myself and my needs. That darn ego - you gotta love it!

Despite my best intentions, I often have a knack for making a splash and impacting people, be it positively or negatively. Yet, it's been mostly negative effects I've been having on people, for the past many years. I need to be more honest with myself about this fact and take some responsibility. It all saddens me deeply. I think it's the resulting pain, grief, loneliness, and wretchedness from all the after-shocks, which I perhaps need to be with for awhile. May I be forgiven by some higher power.

I thank you all for reading along. I hope we may share many more wild discoveries together soon. I may even try something insanely novel and new for me, like actually finishing writing and editing an entry before I post it on here. Imagine that.


PS - For the record, I don't enjoy writing, and I've often struggled to form coherent thoughts on here. Thank you for putting up with all my long-winded rants, repetitiveness, sarcasm, personal quirks, and what-have-you. I appreciate it.

[Edit: I may be editing this blog intermittently, until things sit right with me. 07/29]

Spontaneous thinking

Added some comments to the other site. Things come to me on the fly, and perhaps sensing people's ongoing judgements and still-lingering doubts about me, this makes for a whole lot of spontaneous writing and compulsive editing.

Media awareness, and moving forward

I'd like to revisit the whole media awareness topic, which I broached in a recent post. [1] It came upon me by surprise. Being in a *low* state - and impulsive as usual - I expressed myself in a most dissatisfying way. I didn't nearly do justice to my long-standing views on this important subject. [2]

I also felt that I'd let down many wonderful people - some of whom do an excellent job of critiquing media and news, or who offer alternative views to all the fluffy information (read, shallow, conformist, corporate-heavy propaganda) that the public is constantly inundated with. I know - I totally dropped the ball on this one.


Media and Embodying Difference

Mass communications is crucial in today's world - yet people allow it to govern their minds, perceptions, and world views completely unchallenged. It's UNREAL! I respect the entertaining and educational aspects of media - and its overall power - yet I find all too often, the mass media does NOT serve the well-being of people, society, or this planet, in general.

People of colour well understand how disempowering media can be. While we may be increasingly included in media representations, we still remain two-dimensional, 'either-or' stereotypes or caricatures of who we are and have the potential to be. Such stereotypes are often subtly negative. (I'm oversimplifying here.) There's also what I call 'The Stickiness Factor;' I'll explain more about this, later.

African-American educator bell hooks has written some ground-breaking works, analyzing the many aspects and impacts of media, social representation, and learning, as have Aboriginal educators Winona LaDuke and Ward Churchill, and so many other activist-academics. [3] Check 'em out. bell hooks has also done some children's books. I had the honour and pleasure of meeting Ward Churchill and bell hooks in October 2003. [4]

All activists, fringe types, and marginalized folks experience being 'othered,' in one way or another - especially by the media. Be you a person of colour, queer, low-income, female, differently-abled, or whatever, there are many ways to get stigmatized.* Being viewed as less credible by those around you, or in the public's mind, is a constant struggle. Personally, the only people I've ever felt fully myself and whole around are those who: a) understand what it's like to be *different,* and b) honestly explore and lovingly celebrate their unique selves, while striving to live by their personal values - in spite of hegemony. [5]


*Note: I didn't include 'being green' in my personal list of stigmas, yet it has been one for me. The whole green issue is HUGE. At one time, I was more environmentally-responsible than some folks I meet - who merely look the part - yet, I get judged by so many. [6] (At least I can see my own contradictions in whatever I do, usually.) I also go 'against the grain' and have helped to instigate change, like starting paper-recycling programs in workplaces, getting people involved, spreading information, and so on. My various 'green' efforts date back to the 80s. I may not look like a tree-hugger type (actually, I have hugged trees), but I've been a lot more diligent than some. Also having once been a vegan (most things, except shoes, and that was due to circumstances, and then economics, etc), I'm aware of how powerful and political food choices really are.)


Making New Realities

Our society could be improved to help ensure better balances. Mass communications plays a critical role in affecting such changes (think Marshall McLuhan). [7] Learning how to effectively produce various forms of media, in order to develop more empowering messages, and help create spaces for different ways of thinking, being, and doing, is key. [8] What interests me about any type of media is its ability to tell a story, to stimulate greater awareness, and perhaps, even move people to ACTION. I strongly believe balanced, informative, and empowering media can help enable positive social and environmental changes.

I also believe in celebrating everyone - for each one of us deserves to be honoured and recognized, as the unique and wonderful human beings that we all essentially are inside (that is, if one lets go of the many social masks of distrust, animosity, misunderstandings, personal hurts, negative or traumatic experiences, and so on). [9] (Note: There are many ways to facilitate such socially-inclusive and holistic healing, and with courage and patience, anything is possible. I'll be posting resources on this topic, eventually.)

So, here's to *all of us* - the often unseen and unheard others. By making our voices heard, and taking back both our individual and collective power, we could help to create many positive and much-needed changes in this country.


--------

Notes to above:

[1] Due to the powerful public influence of Hollywood stars, I believe celebrities are increasingly being used to serve conservative agendas (see other posts).


[2] My main concerns about media are:

• a) Ensuring reliable information, better analysis, a wider range of perspectives, and public accountability;
  
  
• b) Cultivating awareness about the overall messages being broadcast to the public, which shape our collective consciousness; and
  
  
• c) Accurately representing the broad spectrum of society, in a less polarized and more whole way.
  

There are serious issues to be addressed around media and electronic information. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once wrote: 'None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free' [source]. Ensuring accountability in upholding truth, freedom, and civil rights, while striving to maintain a healthy biodiverse ecosystem - and attempting to do these things, without fear - shouldn't be as difficult as it currently is in our supposedly free and democratic nation.

The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt [Source. More about Franklin Delano Roosevelt.]

[3] See works by these thought-provoking academics:

See books by Winona LaDuke.

Books by bell hooks, and her website.

Published works by Ward Churchill.

(Note: Regardless of whether one agrees with these challenging authors or their viewpoints, in a so-called democracy, people have the right to be critical and should be able to express their opinions without censure. See books banned by U.S. libraries.)

Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt
- Bergen Evans The Natural History of Nonsense [Source (see halfway down).]

In case anyone should forget, all of us 'Others'
share many common oppressions:

[4] I had suggested bell hooks as a speaker at OISE's Spirit Matters: Wisdom Traditions and the "Great Work" conference. Glad they listened, but the conference, itself, was prohibitively expensive ($350 and $275 for students!).


[5] The greatest joy I've ever found have been in two seemingly opposite communities: a) open-minded or politically-conscious New Age spiritualists, and b) polyamorous, sexually diverse types (think The Ethical Slut and The Ethical Lover Group).


[6] The whole 'green' thing is a good example of how dualistic, and often negative, stereotypes tend to play out, based on race or other forms of difference. I call this: 'The Stickiness factor.' Just being one's natural self making better choices is never a possibility. At a fundamental level, such 'Othering' hinders our ability to create cohesive environmental action. Rare leaders, such as the greatly-missed Tooker Gomberg, have always seen past these things, looking as they do for real, holistic solutions.

(Note: Being committed enough to seek out the interconnectedness and taking a stand, while making one's voice heard - be it socially, environmentally, economically, or politically - is key to finding and co-creating workable solutions. I have come across many such individuals in the past year. This gives hope. Thank you for simply being you.)


[7] More about Marshall McLuhan and his work:

'Marshall McLuhan, the Man and his Message' - CBC Archives.

The Marshall McLuhan Global Research Network

'Marshall McLuhan: "The Medium is the Message"' by Todd Kappelman.


[8] For real news, check out 'Your Media' and 'Straight Goods.'

"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one." - A.J. Liebling [See source.]

[9] There are many people whom I have dishonoured over these past few years. Regardless of how things transpired, I should try to let go. Making amends and forgiving myself and others would vastly improve my character. It may even help me to walk my talk better. Wish me luck.

Solutions that work - Part 1

I'll be back to explore this topic further. I've removed the content of this post, for now.

Maintaining one's balance

Some thoughts to either keep me aiming higher, in terms of personal growth...

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one's own way. VIKTOR FRANKL

[See source. More about Viktor Frankl.]

Or keep me from overreaching and trying to change what cannot be changed...

'This world is nothing but a dance of shadows; a line drawn between darkness and light, joy and oppression, time and eternity. Learn to read this subtle line for it tells all the secrets of creation.' -- Fakhruddin Araqi, Sufi mystic (1213-1289 A.D.)

[Came across this in a book, but here's an online source.]

Me, myself, and I: Exploring personal depths

(This is long and kind of fuzzy, but oh well...)

Too Many Highs and Lows

I've hit some pretty serious lows, during these past few years - psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've also come to understand the mentalities of a lot of different people - including the realities they may be facing, how they may think about or perceive things, and so on. Be it the homeless, mentally insane, suicidal, psychotic, or otherwise, socially disenfranchised, I've shared similar head spaces and heartaches with some really *different* folks. Somehow, I managed to hold on to my sanity through it all - but just barely. (Thank you R. for your abiding love and profound wisdom.)


(Prepare yourselves for more self-centred ruminations on my banal past...)

Letting Go of Social Masks

My former school days were a high point in my life. I was pretty well-liked (believe it or not), kind of an 'It Girl, With a Unique Twist.' That may sound conceited, but it's true. [1]

I did the usual 'cool things,' although I often added my own brand of social rebellion to such activities - just to be different. I formed a rock band, played various sports, co-ordinated interesting events, won some awards, got asked to the prom by one of the 'It Boys,' etc, etc. Note: This latter point wasn't a major highlight for me (I had actually asked this cute, stocky Jewish guy from another school to go with me - who was also an 'It Boy,' in his own right, though not stereotypically so) - yet as a self-righteous queer, I often feel the need to clarify that my homosexual desires are *inherent*, not acquired. [2] An overwhelming number of women have bisexual urges. [3] I believe most people are born bisexual and are socialized into being heteros. [4] [5] Also, for the record, my surveillers like to paint me as being anti-White or a man-hater. Not true! I've been angry, resentful, and antagonistic towards everyone.



Overall, I was pretty happy to be me - in terms of who I was, and where I was at. In fact, I kind of looked down on those who wanted to be cookie-cutter versions of someone else. (Hey, I was a teenager - having an *attitude* was part of the territory.) Even back then, I felt many people disrespected their own true essences, wonderful beings, and unique selves by becoming mindless drones or cheap imitations of seemingly glamorous others. Talk about boring! But then, who am I to judge?

Despite the many good times I had enjoyed, I was still somewhat miserable inside. Keeping one's cool, and endeavouring not to be lumped in with anybody else (especially based on race), is hard work. (I was also struggling with school courses, but that's a whole other topic...) Wise words, like Anna Quindlen's commencement speech at Mount Holyoke College, help one to keep things in perspective. [6]

[Edit: I just reread Quindlen's speech for the first time in a long while, and I'm adding the paragraph, below. Some of my words in this post seem to closely parallel Quindlen's own, yet they sprang from my own thoughts.]

Much like Quindlen suggests, I did follow my own path - and I do feel I've developed a rich and vibrant core. Yet, I've also discovered, the long and hard way, that maintaining some personal and social facades IS necessary, at times. [7] Take it from one who knows: having put my *real self* out there way too much and too often (easy bait for predatory types), I have felt betrayed, used, and abused, time and again; and I've become angry, reactive and confused, as a result.

I also deeply grieve what has happened, and is continuing to happen - on an epic scale - partly as a result of my strong antagonisms, outspokenness, and sheer wretchedness, while being under constant surveillance and harassment. I don't regret my ideas - I just feel horrible about how intense I've been about everything.


Doing the Hard Work of Healing

I'm now focusing on moving forward. If I can do so with more awareness and sensitivity - while still being true to who I am - I'll consider it a major accomplishment. I guess I don't have much more to say on all this: it's less about words, and more about being and doing.

Thank you for bearing witness to my journey.


-------------------

Notes:

[1] I've occasionally bumped into old school friends in my now degraded state. Their respect and appreciation for me has been both touching and painful. It's like being a bag lady, who's suddenly recognized for once holding some respectable position in life. One encounter was particularly poignant. Yet, as I tried to describe the situation to my therapists, they could only see me as who I appear to be, right now. They had little compassion for how big my fall from grace was, or how far my personal experiences have taken me - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. ('Yeah, you're unemployed, your place is miserable, you're afraid to be out in public, you have no friends, you're broke, you're deeply angry, you're being harassed, blah, blah, blah... Gee, you sound delusional. Here, take some medication.')


[2] I was fairly well-adjusted growing up. However, I've been a 'tomboy' all my life, and I've been interested in both sexes since an early age. Many people may have ambivalent feelings about their assigned gender roles. Mine stem from the simple fact that I didn't (and still don't) enjoy most of the 'girly-girl' activities that I was expected to engage in - I wanted to be where the fun, action, and adventures were! This doesn't make me an *abnormal* person (just ask Mary Cheney): I was simply different.


[3] Queer desire was socially accepted - even expected, and sometimes revered - in many ancient cultures around the world. Kanika Goswami's 'Homosexuality and our forefathers' surveys this topic, using a South Asian focus. Androgyny and 'two-spiritedness' were widely accepted in historical Native American culture. Bruce Bagemihl's article, 'Left-Handed Bears & Androgynous Cassowaries,' is interesting.

(Note: I posted the following comment on Wikipedia's 'The History of Sex' page. "* ...Is it possible to use a different picture at the start of this page? I think the connotations of 'sex worker,' in relation to a) 'The History of Sex,' and b) a specific race and culture, can be unnecessarily degrading and detracts from what is an excellent topic and information resource. Not that sex trade shouldn't be honestly explored, but as an opener to the overall topic of sex, I think it can be misleading. Thanks for allowing me to comment.")


[4] Sigmund Freud pioneered the idea of ungendered sexual drives in modern psychology, although I disagree with his notion that homosexuality can never be inborn or hereditary. Some of his theories are dated and reflect his conservative upbringing and social environment (though he was a cocaine user). Personally, I lean towards Jungian psychology [edited link]. Alfred Kinsey's research revolutionized the field of human sexuality (see Kinsey Reports).


[5] Here's an interesting listserv discussion on polymorphous perversity. I can see where the first person is coming from, though I don't fully agree. Structure, order, and established ways are obviously important, yet I also believe in 'process': creative and uninhibited explorations are sometimes necessary, before better solutions and personal/ social/ cultural growth can be attained. Organizational learning can help achieve better balances by: a) respecting organizational culture and structures, and b) remaining flexible and responsive to important changes, and doing so in a way that strengthens the whole.


[6] See books by Anna Quindlen.


[7] My downhill slide, over the past few years, is partly the result of peeling away almost ALL the layers of my social masks, while exploring some pretty 'way out' experiences - both socially and spiritually. Like participating in an eight-hour long rathayatra (Hindu religious procession), under a beating hot sun in Delhi - it's quite an experience. This may sound trite, but for years, I was seeking some higher purpose or meaning to life. Yet I now realize that: a) there are no definitive answers and trying to find any could drive a person insane (literally), and b) social masks and personal ego are necessary for sheer survival in society. The challenge now is resocializing myself, while staying as true as I possibly can to my overall learning, growth, and experiences.

Staying true, building bridges

Lacking tact and social finesse, I often offend or alienate people. Yet, it bothers me, when I do so with people that I hold dear or regard very highly.

Bitching from the bottom is one of my better skills. Yet, actually knowing how to negotiate differences and share power is somewhat new territory for me: I usually veer to extremes. I guess I have many lessons to learn in this area.

Just so you know, I often avoid mentioning or discussing certain individuals and their respective work on here, so as not to pre-empt anything (which I have a tendency of doing). All of you rock my world! I hope we may be allies, in some future way.

How do people collectively achieve positive change, in a democratic, self-directed way? I have no greater wish than to see this happen. Yet, my huge ego, loud mouth, and lack of know-how are major barriers to forming constructive relationships. I am trying, however.


• · º ¤´• ·. ·¤ ° ø · O • ∞ ° ¤ ‚ · º ¤ . • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ º ¤ •

LOVE • RESPECT • GRATITUDE


To all my favourite folks,

best role models, and true heroes!

(you know who you are)

peace

• · º ¤ ´ · ° ø · O • ∞ ° · • ¤ • ‚ · º ¤ • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ ° · •

Centralizing internet spying

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I've been talking about re: public surveillance. Here's an interesting post:

'Bush: ISPs Must Help Government Spy On Internet Users' 

See the full article:

Bush Administration to Propose System for Monitoring Internet - December 20, 2002

Here's an excerpt: "...officials of Internet companies who have been briefed on the proposal say they worry that such a system could be used to cross the indistinct border between broad monitoring and wiretap."


Don't worry, kids - it's already happening...

ECHELON A multinational survellance network, centered at Sugar Grove, WV, that intercepts all forms of electronic communications.

CARNIVORE An FBI system to monitor email and other traffic through Internet service providers. (source)



Various websites, methods, and avenues for preserving online anonymity and privacy have been shut down over the past couple of years. I've watched it happening. But since I'm unable to gain any credibility about my own problems, there's not much I could say or do about it. I've definitely tried to warn people - so please don't say I didn't.


Privacy products and anonymity sites - plus ALL Internet Service Providers - give a false sense of security and protection. 'Back door' access is always available to the government (specifically U.S. intelligence, via CSIS), without any cause whatsoever. Everything's clearly being linked up, or 'centralized,' anyway, so they can easily bypass asking respective companies or organizations for permission to access any data or line connections.

Radio Shack Becomes The Source

Another point of interest...Radio Shack, Canada's last Canadian-driven electronics retailer, has recently been bought out by Circuit City.

More than 900 Canadian electronics stores to become THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY

Richmond, Va. and Barrie, ON, April 27, 2005 - Circuit City Stores, Inc. and InterTAN Canada Ltd. today announced that on or before June 30, 2005, all stores currently operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd. under license from RadioShack Corporation will be re-branded as THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY stores begins today with the unveiling of the Toronto Eaton Centre location.

"Ninety percent of all Canadians live within a 10-minute drive to one of our locations. [emphasis mine] By June 30, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have the same national coverage," said Brian Levy, president and chief executive officer of InterTAN Canada Ltd. "Customers will continue to see quality, national and international electronics brands as well as an emphasis on personal and portable devices."

THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be the local destination for personal electronics such as MP3 players, digital cameras, LCD TVs and a broad selection of personal and portable consumer electronics. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will also offer a diverse mix of communication, computer and household electronic products.

The Eaton Centre store in Toronto is the first location to be re-branded THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY and will be followed by other locations in the Greater Toronto Area and other major markets. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be supported by a major advertising campaign featuring television and radio commercials as well as print and outdoor advertising.

The company also released a copy of the mark for THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY.

www.TheSourceCC.com

About THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY (www.thesourcecc.com) is operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd., an indirectly owned subsidiary of Circuit City Stores, Inc. Building on InterTAN Canada Ltd.’s more than 30 years of experience as an electronics retailer, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have more than 900 locations nationwide by June 30, 2005. All stores will offer a wide range of brand name consumer electronics including communications, computing, personal audio and cool gadgets.

About Circuit City Stores, Inc. Circuit City Stores, Inc. (NYSE:CC) is a leading specialty retailer of consumer electronics throughout the United States and Canada. The company’s domestic segment operates through 612 Superstores and five mall-based stores in the United States. The company’s international segment operates through approximately 1,000 retail stores, dealers and other outlets in Canada.
### [See article source and related discussion.]

Life is a journey

Now that I'm getting more balance back (er, sort of...), I can see why people think what they do about me. My only defense is: I was spinning out in my own f*cking universe!! I've also been through a helluva lot of stress, and I've learned a whole new set of life skills, as a result.

Contrary to what readers, here, may think:

• I used to be a well-liked person, and fairly well-adjusted. All of my dearest friends remain so, yet I've had to distance myself, due to the surveillance.
  
  (Note: After a couple of years, I realized my friends were being watched anyway, so I resumed contact with some, though cautiously.) [1]
  
  
• Both my parents are honest, straightforward individuals - sometimes too much so. People have often appreciated and relied upon either my mother or my father for their frank, trustworthy, and reliable natures. They aren't perfect by any means, but they're definitely not shady or wily (or convoluted, like how I've become).
  
  
• Moreover, my folks have always sought to treat people as equals. While they may have been socialized in certain ways, and thus, have inherent biases or social tendencies - they do each strive for a higher good, within their limited capacities. Both my parents are intellectually open-minded (though my father leans towards conservative values), and they are sensitive enough to recognize social disparities and unjust realities - plus they have their own experiences to draw from. Overall, they're pretty good people. I have been a shame and a disappointment to my parents, and to my whole family - and indeed, a betrayer of my own race. [2] (So were Hitler and Jesus, in a way.) Yet, things eventually do come full circle - or so I've been told. I'm trying hard to believe in this maxim, having no other power at my avail. Since I have seemingly and inadvertently helped Big Brother undermine public power and autonomy, and thereby, achieve almost global control, I can only trust that the Divine Plan is somehow unfolding as it should be. [3]
  
  (Note: 2001 to 2003 marks the beginning of a major political paradigm shift. This has been partly developed through my surveillers' study of my somewhat unique life, personal experiences, various rants, and topsy-turvy ways. For example, as I ventured out into the world, I learned about imperialism from different perspectives, and also the effects of economic imperialism (see end of page) - particularly as these may relate to different nations, cultures, ethnic groups, and so on. Like, my being seen as a 'Japanese tourist' in developing countries, and learning about Chinese diasporic experiences in different regions, and so on, have all helped to shape my understanding of economics, culture, and imperialism. [4] Having worked in Asia, I've also been critical of China's autocratic regime, the hegemony in Chinese culture, the social intolerance, lack of environmental stewardship, and so on. It's like Confucianism got stuck in a 400-year old rut!! [5])
  
  
• My extended family are upright, decent, regular people. I will refrain from mentioning them on here, again.
  
  
• I may have a seemingly twisted mind, now - but such things can be learned. I've always been a deep thinker. Yet, some of my 'survival adventures' and several years of (racist, inhumane) surveillance would teach any desperate person a whole lot more about the complexities of life and power politics. [6]
  
  (Note: I've never been the kind to have nasty thoughts about people (without cause), or imagine really sick things in my mind. But I've come into a whole new phase of being, these past few years. I'm now trying to refind my core self.)
  
  
• I'm not able to hide my emotional sh*t, as most people can and do. My thoughts and feelings are right out there, readily seen by all - except perhaps my grief and sorrow, which remain deeply submerged.
  
  
• As belligerent and reactive as I may be now, I did seek love, peace, and beauty in the world before. How very naive I was.

I started off this post wanting to rant about how grievously misunderstood I feel - and have felt. [7] Yet, my time and energy could be spent more productively. I have to get back on track with my life, make amends, and do whatever little I can to help make this world a better place.

However, it wouldn't be *me*, if I didn't end this post with one last neurotic display of insecurity. Below are some pics and visuals from different periods of my life.

***

I once felt the world's problems deeply. The 1980s saw the threat of the Cold War reach its peak. I wrote this poem in 1986 (though the background was created in 1984).

'Mourning Dove'

My pro-peace, justice-seeking ways and various activism continued into my university days.

Hallowe'en costumes

My marketing efforts went from doing variety shows and the high school Spring Formal, to helping to create posters and slogans for my first roommate's floor rep campaign, and pursuing various other projects and causes on campus (eg, petitioning free trade, disability awareness, etc). The university experience was good for me, in terms of *ideas* - but not scholastically.

I used this hand-wringer, in conjunction with my Wonder Washer, to do laundry. [8] In this photo, you can also see that my bathtub has no shower curtain: I sat in the tub to shower and bathe for three years - not easy. When I say I was feeling 'financially desperate,' I'm not hyping things up. Being supported by my mother, I was and am conscious of every extra expense. When I wasn't suffering overwhelming depression, I did try to find work, contrary to most people's assumptions about me. [9] [10]

(Note: I am not a user - I always try to give more than I take in anything that I may do or be involved in.)

Hand-wringer

(Note: Water has become a key focus, ever since Ontario's province-wide power outage in August 2003.)

My messy place before creating a home bar.

My home bar (1)

My home bar (2)

(Note: These bottles were empties that I got from local bins; I filled them with water and food colouring.)


I've always been a bit of a lush (just joking). Well, I did use to carry pocket-sized liquor bottles to school, and I have a couple of flasks floating around somewhere: I could definitely hold my alcohol. Too bad I can't drink so much now. Perhaps that's why becoming a bartender turned into such an all-out goal for me - I love mixing cocktails, and I enjoy seeing others have a blast! This Andy Capp comic strip used to be taped inside my locker.

From about 1996 onward, I noticed my language skills started going downhill, while I was working in Asia. I also felt my jaw shift inward in 1998. (I'd had several teeth removed in childhood, and dentists have noted how small my mouth is.) Being a native English speaker, and speaking only English at home, and so on, I know that my verbal struggles and variances in speech are mostly due to causal factors (eg, my jaw, ADD, constantly speaking to non-English speakers abroad, etc) and also some psychological ones. But no one believes me, of course. Yet, you can see how indented my mouth is, below. There is no greater frustration for a talkative person, like myself, than to have difficulty speaking (arghh!). (Note: I'm very neurotic about this point.)

Me, the wannabe bartender, with my former neighbour's cat. This is the friendliest and most affectionate cat I've ever met - bar none! I did eventually get hired as a bartender at a number of respected venues. Yet, I probably lack the organization, deftness, and circumspect control needed to make bartending a satisfying long-term endeavour - plus, I was angry and emotionally distressed about being surveilled and harassed by government moles, who are everpresent.

(Note: I'll eventually post more pics here. If you're wondering why I haven't included snaps of me at my most queer (or punk and blitz, for that matter), it's because most of my photos aren't handy. Also, in more recent pictures, there are those whom I'm being photographed with to consider.)


People would never believe my experiences in a million years. As of today, however, I've given up on this foolish and pointless expectation. Life is what it is. Perhaps I simply need to be more positive, loving, and centred, as a person. I won't say grounded exactly, because I will always be a dreamer at heart.

----------

[1] I'll be posting some email messages from friends to show that weird stuff is going on, and that completely innocent people are likely being interfered with.

[2] The tragic losses and sudden illnesses of various people have been hitting me pretty hard, believe it or not. I may post a recording of the last funeral I attended.

[3] Since 2001, intelligence agencies have been studying my eclectic interests in holistic health, alternative medicine, bodywork, energy healing, spirituality, and so on. I'm not all that unique. Yet, the personal development methods and natural techniques that I pay attention to usually do work - they're not hocus-pocus. Plus, with my activist bent, I always strive to support the underdog (eg, proprietors of health food stores, small businesses in the alternative health field, grassroots community development, and so on). Now, Big Brother is closely exploring natural health and spiritual beliefs across cultures.

[4] It's ironic that I've never studied or researched most of the subjects that I discuss in this blog. I'm learning new things, as I write about them on here. Some of it confirms what I've been seeing, sensing, and experiencing in the world all along.

More on imperialism from different perspectives:

• 'The Age of Imperialism'
  
  
• 'The Age of Imperialism' (U.S.)
  
  
• 'The New Imperialism'
  
  
• 'Imperialism Resources'
  
  
• 'Lenin: Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism'

And also see economic imperialism...

• 'Economic Imperialism' - Interview with Gary Becker, 1992 Nobel Laureate in economic science.
  
  
• 'The history of economic imperialism and globalization'
  
  
• Economic Imperialism: The Problem of the Free Trade Proposed in the FTAA

[5] I'll be sharing off-the-cuff thoughts and feelings about China and Chinese culture - such as its political oppression, social debasement, environmental disregard, material fixation, cultural stagnation, lack of spiritual upliftment, and so on - later. Taoism seems like a good counterbalance to Confucian values and its habituated dogma.

Note: I grew up with almost no knowledge about my cultural ancestry. My folks never really talked about it (they came to North America in the 50s to study university here, and some of my relatives are several generations Canadian, etc), and I had no interest in learning more. Yet my consciousness-raising years at university aroused some desire to become more 'whole.' Like many graduates, I travelled abroad, yet I ended up staying longer than most. It was a blast! I met interesting people from all over the place.


[6] Please see the films: The Firm and Runaway Jury. (Looking for other review on The Firm... I mentioned Runaway Jury in previous posts. Note: I've changed and grown a lot since writing the November 2004 entry.)

[7] No doubts whatsoever about your awesome appeal - concerned.

[8] When I talk about alternative laundry, feminine hygiene products also spring to mind. Depending on circumstances, I use a mix of things -- including disposable pads, unfortunately. Washable cloth pads are great. I've also used The Keeper from Eco-Logique (they seem to have closed), and there's the DivaCup. The Keeper's made of 'natural' rubber; the DivaCup is made of silicone. See more on menstrual health.

[9] I may post an outline of my résumé later, so people can better appreciate why my getting absolutely NO JOB INTERVIEWS seems odd. (Correction: I did get calls from two women's organizations, for which I am grateful. It let me know that my experience is worth something.) I kept applying for restaurant work because there seemed to be less government interference in this area of employment - at first.

[10] Many people have implied that I wasn't looking hard enough for jobs, or that my standards were perhaps too high, and so on. Well, at one point, I was washing dishes for minimum wage. I'd say that's pretty desperate and willing. Still, I've come to see beauty in humility, ever since being abroad. But perhaps I've taken up masochistic subservience a little too willingly (yikes). Some of my employers have been awful. I certainly didn't put up with sh*t when I was in school - but I've changed a lot.

Getting the message across

Been trying not to complain about the heat and humidity, lately, but it hit 39 Celsius the other day (whew!). Hard to be productive. Keeping up with some of my most discerning critics is also a challenge.

Here's to balancing work with humour...

COMICS FOR THE CAUSE

(funny, useful, and all too true)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Meatrix (must see!)

www.themeatrix.com



Terrorist Information Awareness

www.workingforchange.com



Mad Cow: The Real Story

(Be warned - this flash video contains foul language...)



www.extremefunnyhumor.com/fun_madcow.htm

More clarifications: recent post

(Yet again, I digress from surveillance issues.)

Regaining my credibility with readers of this blog will probably take time. So I may as well start tackling the situation right now...


Birthday Dinner 'Do'

Recently, I had posted a private post. Other people may have read this note, which is totally fine; yet, I feel the need to contextualize the contents.

I celebrated my birthday recently. It was the first time I did so with my extended family in some years. [1] Since quite a few of us are born during these summer months, my relative splurged on champagne - a nice gesture.

Several of my relatives live in the U.S. Given all the controversial things I write on here, you can imagine how concerned I am for them. If I were more organized, I could better demonstrate just how pervasively government security bodies are wielding their power.

Civil rights are going right down the tubes, folks, and a corporate-driven police state is being created on a massive scale. (Doing these Canada-wide phone surveys makes me feel pretty awful about where things are headed.)


Creating an Activist Network

There are folks I'd like to be collaborating with. I hope we may work together in future. [2]

-------

[1] My life did not start *normalizing* until this year; I continue to experience threats and reminders of surveillance or harassment on a regular basis.

[2] Most activists and interesting folks, who I see out there, are already being watched and likely have many moles around them: it's all-encompassing. The best thing for people to do is try to discern who's real, and then, join efforts.

Weblog diversions

(Problems posting for past week - with screenshots and requests for assistance to prove it.) [1]

This being the peak of summer, I've been totally self-absorbed and self-indulgent, while writing this weblog. After all - who the hell would be reading this sh*t, right?? So, I've kind of been CRAZILY GOING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Whooo.

If you're a regular reader (not sure that I have any), I fear that I may have lost all my credibility with you. I apologize. In fact, I know and deeply feel that I've been particularly disloyal to my queer peers, in my impetuous attempts to seem more respectable, acceptable, or desirable to others. Shame on me.

Yet, have no fear, I will be getting back on track - albeit, in a slightly diluted version. The threats to health and well-being, which I keep referring to, are quite real.

Stay tuned for a discussion on some of my favourite media personalities. . .

----------

Notes:

[1] You may have noticed in the Blogger Forum post that I had *not* included my weblog link; yet, the person who replied to my questions speaks knowingly about my blog, as if they've seen it. Also, the original title of this post, in draft form, was 'Crashing and Burning.' Funny.

I may grovel a lot, but true humility isn't one of my strong points. [1] I may also happily serve people and causes I believe in, yet unwieldy Pride still rears up in me like an untamed animal.

Recently, I've been struggling in my interactions with people, and I asked myself: 'Why must I work so hard to be believed or understood?'

Two of the answers I received came in the form of poems. Both are written by the Sufi poet Jelaluddin Rumi. [2] This is a verse from the first one:

'Be Lost in the Call'

...
Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.
...

And the second poem...

Not
Christian or Jew or
Muslim, not Hindu,
Buddhist, Sufi, or Zen.
Not any religion

Or cultural system. I am
not from the east
or the west, not
out of the ocean or up

From the ground, not
natural or ethereal, not
composed of elements at all.
I do not exist,

Am not an entity in this
world or the next,
did not descend from
Adam and Eve or any

Origin story. My place is
the placeless, a trace
of the traceless.
Neither body or soul.

I belong to the beloved,
Have seen the two
worlds as one and
that one
call to and know,

First, last, outer, inner,
only that breath breathing

Human being.


by Jelaluddin Rumi
Translation by Coleman Barks in The Illuminated Rumi.*

The world has changed in just a few short years; I footnoted it here. I was also a catalyst, to my everlasting regret. People may find all this difficult to conceive, and since no one has believed me, thus far - so be it.

My problem now is, the egotist in me is reluctant to give way to the higher callings of spirit.


*One of my dearest friends gave me the Rumi book, for which I am eternally grateful. Much love and respect.

---------

[1] Answers.com's definition of humility. Striving to be humble in many situations is good - but, overall, I think maintaining one's ego is still necessary, in order to survive in this world. We live in a rationalistic society, with many harsh realities. Deep humility, I find, is something that needs to be experienced first-hand to have any sort of impact, or to inspire lasting change. Otherwise, it's all about structures, systems, networks, cultures (work, social, etc), and mentalities.

[2] Practically speaking, I haven't always found that Sufism poems, such as Rumi's, answer all my problems. Love certainly seems to be the most enlightened human condition - and a powerful emotion - but complete surrender to it can also be devastating. Loving ecstasy leaves one vulnerable and defenseless. In certain situations, one must stay grounded and detached.

Sustaining positive change

Every facilitator, educator, enabler, and activist should read The Fifth Discipline by Peter Senge et al:

• Fieldbook.com
  
  
• Fifth Discipline Fieldbook
  
  
• 'Review of The Fifth Discipline'
  

Grassroots community initiatives and public interest groups could be achieving far more, IF participants learned how to work together creatively and constructively, and IF they made more effort to understand how and why corporations may excel. [2][3]

---------

Footnotes:

[1] I came across The Fifth Discipline in 1996 - I was so excited, I got copies for friends/colleagues. More links reviewing this book:

• 'The Fifth Discipline' - a short review by Fleming Funch, 1995.
  
  
• Peter M. Senge, The Fifth Discipline: The Art & Practice of The Learning Organization

[2] From 1999 to 2003, I often commented that running a government is like managing a business or large organization. 'Government is an organization like any other' is yet another of my outspoken observations, which Big Brother found interesting and useful. I believe they've taken up this idea with full gusto.

(Note: TVO recently featured a documentary about the history of provincial politics in Ontario. By closely analyzing the development and subsequent demise of 'The Big Blue Machine,' one gets a clear picture about how the Ontario Progressive Conservative party managed to stay in power for 42 years. I believe a new Big Blue Machine is being built on a national level. PC party leader Stephen Harper possibly being eased out in favour of someone with broader appeal is part of a comprehensive strategy (or they will make him more popularly appealing through savvy political handlers and media manipulations). I have also previously suggested a 'Carrot-and-Stick' media approach is being used by both the Conservatives and the Liberals to maintain overall power, while ensuring U.S. priorities are being met.)

[3] Having inadvertently helped Big Bro improve their enlistment of moles and plants, I would advise people to be aware of their presence within most groups or organizations - big, small, or even seemingly casual. OCAP (Ontario Coalition Against Poverty) is just one likely example, but I believe it's happening EVERYWHERE - in for-profit and non-profit circles, alike, progressive or conservative, you name it.

Trying too damn hard

I'm digressing, yet again...but I think I need to set the record straight about where I've been coming from.

First, it's amazing how I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and how I endlessly contradict myself. Yet, I can say that every single thing I've written here is true - to the best of my knowledge.

People can change. I haven't even begun to describe my 4-year long attempts to regain my privacy, and to otherwise circumvent Big Brother's control over my life.

Having gone through a whole spectrum of experiences and emotional states, I've discovered sides to myself that I never knew I had, or that I even thought I was capable of having. Once being a caring person, I have experienced some pretty nasty moments, plus total detachment from other people's suffering - well beyond the norm.

Am I glad about having expanded my horizons so? I don't know. One can get lost, and there seem to be far more negative forces than positive ones, and these can really pull one down. (Maybe I've become like that, myself, but I think I'm also capable of creating light.) [1]

Having no one believe in a word I say also hasn't been much fun. Below is part of a post*, which I started writing on June 20:

For my therapists, it was always just another work week. For me, I was in deep emotional pain, and things were getting freakin' desperate!

I was unemployed for years, got kicked out of school, was living on the fringes of society, and was/am being surveilled and regularly harassed - yet no one understood or believed me. I also started to realize some therapists are just educated power-trippers. All of this is enough to drive one completely insane. Seriously.

Determined not to be dependent upon my mother, I sought countless jobs, yet never lasted at any of them. I was in turmoil from the constant blows to my self-esteem - plus, I kept coming across people, who seemed to know stuff about me (I've gotten used to this now), wrong number and crank calls were a frequent phenomena, and I was increasingly able to predict news happenings with uncanny accuracy, and so on.

I'll be exploring the subject of my sanity, within institutional contexts, later.


Note: I've gotten so used to having people doubt or ignore my once-overwhelming pain that I often use the same cynical, reductionist, and quantifable ways of framing things, as others seem to. I feel the revised excerpt above is a more balanced account of how things actually were for me.


PS - I'm having trouble publishing some web posts. [2]

----------

[1] I don't refer to positives and negatives in a simplistic or dualistic way, and I certainly don't see 'good' and 'bad' in superficial terms. Some things may seem negative, yet they may also be necessary for generating positive growth.

[2] My weblog has developed a mind of its own. Certain posts that I write or re-edit are not showing up. I guess I'll take a cue from that...

Keeping things simple

It probably does little good to tell people about what I suspect is going on. If I am right, I've done more than enough damage, just by trying to do right by others and by wishing well for this world.

So, here's to keeping it simple...

'Our Greatest Fear'

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

'Our Greatest Fear,' by Marianne Williamson, is from her book Return to Love (1992).

'The Gift of Change' explores the not-so-simple realities of our world. I find Williamson's writing profoundly combines the spiritual with the practical. Somehow, this gives me hope for a better world.

Getting centred...

The past month of weblog posts have been confused and confusing. I've been compulsively editing comments - while sorting out past experiences in my mind, current realities, and ongoing relationships. Holy smokes.

It's been good! I've learned some important lessons.

Where to go from here

Feeling a bit frustrated with both myself and this blog.

1. This weblog is getting cumbersome. It needs to be split into two formats: a 'facts-only' version, and a chronicle of 'my personal thoughts and overall journey.' Eventually, I'd like to create a website to contain everything.
   
   
2. I also want to be actively collaborating with other great people that I see out there, who are doing similar kinds of work. Several heads put together are far better than one.
   

Becoming a media watchdog

Limiting my TV-viewing has definitely reduced the effects of media pollution and propaganda upon my mind. Most mainstream TV doesn't interest me, anyway. I've never personally owned a TV set, and I hardly ever used to read newspapers or magazines. Who needs all that negative news and media hype, anyway?

Yet, I started becoming a reluctant media-watcher about a year and a half ago - though I had taken courses on the subject, years before. I've increasingly found myself observing and critiquing media trends, as I think they're tied into other important issues (eg, illegal government surveillance, corporate collusion, digital monopolies).

Occasionally, you may find some of my crazy notions on here ring true. In fact, after I post certain thoughts or ideas, news on that very subject will show up in popular media outlets (particularly Toronto ones), soon after. Or, similar analysis - with a counter-spin - may show up in TV programs awhile later. It's pretty remarkable. Had I kept track all along, I'm sure people would find the close and coincidental timing quite strange.

News article, below, is one example...

--------------------------------

July 6, 2005

(Chronological ordering doesn't always work for me, so I'm posting this article here to keep the information together.)

This news article from MetroNews.ca analyzes Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' recent engagement from precisely the 'publicity stunt' angle I was suggesting was happening in the Jennifer Aniston - Brad Pitt - Angelina Jolie love triangle scenario. Of course, when I say these things, people think I'm nuts (*grin*). [1]

Personally, I think Tom Cruise is being put on this publicity-blazing trail by his agent and PR people. I saw another news article, describing odd things that Cruise has been doing, ever since he got engaged; they seem designed for maximum publicity splashes.

Also, if you didn't know, Tom Cruise is big on personal privacy, and he has strong control over his star image. [2] (Note: The Hollywood Star System is an entire body of work within film theory and criticism.) [3]

------------

[1] See other posts about Brad, Jen, Angelina:

'Brad and Jen: Moving millions' - Jan. 26, 2005

'Various: 9-11, murders, movies' - June 5, 2005


[2] I highly respect Tom Cruise, as an actor, and I don't wish to denigrate his character. Personally, I think he's getting a lot of flak from the press, who are consistently *uncritical* in examining all other news stories for hidden political or corporate agendas and possible fabrications.


[3] These web resources give a sense of what film theory and criticism is about:

• Images: In Focus - 'Greta Garbo is Sad: Some Historical Reflections on the Paradoxes of Stardom in the American Film Industry, 1910-1960' by Brian Gallagher
  
  
• The Star System: Hollywood's Production of Popular Identities by Paul McDonald
  
  
• TheatreBooks: Women, Gender & Feminist Criticism, Theory and History
  
  
• 'Viewer "Identification" with Characters in Television and Film Fiction' by Peter van Beneden