Trying too damn hard
I'm digressing, yet again...but I think I need to set the record straight about where I've been coming from.
First, it's amazing how I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and how I endlessly contradict myself. Yet, I can say that every single thing I've written here is true - to the best of my knowledge.
People can change. I haven't even begun to describe my 4-year long attempts to regain my privacy, and to otherwise circumvent Big Brother's control over my life.
Having gone through a whole spectrum of experiences and emotional states, I've discovered sides to myself that I never knew I had, or that I even thought I was capable of having. Once being a caring person, I have experienced some pretty nasty moments, plus total detachment from other people's suffering - well beyond the norm.
Am I glad about having expanded my horizons so? I don't know. One can get lost, and there seem to be far more negative forces than positive ones, and these can really pull one down. (Maybe I've become like that, myself, but I think I'm also capable of creating light.) [1]
Having no one believe in a word I say also hasn't been much fun. Below is part of a post*, which I started writing on June 20:
I'll be exploring the subject of my sanity, within institutional contexts, later.
Note: I've gotten so used to having people doubt or ignore my once-overwhelming pain that I often use the same cynical, reductionist, and quantifable ways of framing things, as others seem to. I feel the revised excerpt above is a more balanced account of how things actually were for me.
PS - I'm having trouble publishing some web posts. [2]
----------
[1] I don't refer to positives and negatives in a simplistic or dualistic way, and I certainly don't see 'good' and 'bad' in superficial terms. Some things may seem negative, yet they may also be necessary for generating positive growth.
[2] My weblog has developed a mind of its own. Certain posts that I write or re-edit are not showing up. I guess I'll take a cue from that...
First, it's amazing how I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and how I endlessly contradict myself. Yet, I can say that every single thing I've written here is true - to the best of my knowledge.
People can change. I haven't even begun to describe my 4-year long attempts to regain my privacy, and to otherwise circumvent Big Brother's control over my life.
Having gone through a whole spectrum of experiences and emotional states, I've discovered sides to myself that I never knew I had, or that I even thought I was capable of having. Once being a caring person, I have experienced some pretty nasty moments, plus total detachment from other people's suffering - well beyond the norm.
Am I glad about having expanded my horizons so? I don't know. One can get lost, and there seem to be far more negative forces than positive ones, and these can really pull one down. (Maybe I've become like that, myself, but I think I'm also capable of creating light.) [1]
Having no one believe in a word I say also hasn't been much fun. Below is part of a post*, which I started writing on June 20:
For my therapists, it was always just another work week. For me, I was in deep emotional pain, and things were getting freakin' desperate!
I was unemployed for years, got kicked out of school, was living on the fringes of society, and was/am being surveilled and regularly harassed - yet no one understood or believed me. I also started to realize some therapists are just educated power-trippers. All of this is enough to drive one completely insane. Seriously.
Determined not to be dependent upon my mother, I sought countless jobs, yet never lasted at any of them. I was in turmoil from the constant blows to my self-esteem - plus, I kept coming across people, who seemed to know stuff about me (I've gotten used to this now), wrong number and crank calls were a frequent phenomena, and I was increasingly able to predict news happenings with uncanny accuracy, and so on.
I'll be exploring the subject of my sanity, within institutional contexts, later.
Note: I've gotten so used to having people doubt or ignore my once-overwhelming pain that I often use the same cynical, reductionist, and quantifable ways of framing things, as others seem to. I feel the revised excerpt above is a more balanced account of how things actually were for me.
PS - I'm having trouble publishing some web posts. [2]
----------
[1] I don't refer to positives and negatives in a simplistic or dualistic way, and I certainly don't see 'good' and 'bad' in superficial terms. Some things may seem negative, yet they may also be necessary for generating positive growth.
[2] My weblog has developed a mind of its own. Certain posts that I write or re-edit are not showing up. I guess I'll take a cue from that...
posted by outside the box... at
2:40 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home