Personal, universal integrity

(I'm reposting this blogpost because of an unwelcome comment left in my previous entry. It's important to set limits and boundaries for oneself. I am choosing peace.)

For those who are new to this weblog, below are highlights of the ideas, values, and goals that made me an interesting subject for intelligence agencies.

When I was claiming to be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually unwell (and having looked for many cures and solutions), no one believed me. To everyone else, I seemed perfectly 'normal' and sane. Yet, the depths of my pain, anger, despair, and ultimate madness manifested in many other ways.

As I struggle to balance the different sides of myself and how I've become, my personal learning, sensitive nature, socializations, internalized oppressions, various experiences, intense moments, the painful discovery of Big Brother's inhumane ways, and so on, are all surfacing in one great big jumble. As a result of my chaotic journey, I've done a serious disservice to many people, particularly to switched-on activists and people of colour in my recent posts and interpersonal connections.

I also minimize complex issues on here; yet I don't feel inclined to explore these myriad topics. However, they are tied into how and why my surveillance situation has turned into such a widespread phenomena. Illegal public and private surveillance is something that should be questioned by all: there need to be check systems and legislative controls in place.

Please help raise some awareness, folks. Talk about it, write about it, and get people thinking!


Freedom Lost

Something inside me yearns for freedom - perhaps too much so. This excerpt from the 'Afterword' in The Colonizer and The Colonized by Albert Memmi (somewhat dated, yet highly educational) resonates closely with my own views; hence, my sense of urgency [1] :

[Jean-Paul] Sartre and [Albert] Memmi shared the experience of growing to maturity in the age of empire, of surviving the fury of the war years, and of suddenly finding themselves on the other side, with all the old rules in disarray. Neither had lost faith in human goodness, and both wanted to create new forms of social organization that would allow for the rekindling of the human spirit. They saw in the end of colonialism the promise that a more rational moment was at hand, in which, as Memmi says, people would be 'whole and free.' [snip; emphasis added]

Susan Gilson Miller
Cambridge, Massachusetts
September 1990

I had a similar vision. Mine is quite practicable, as it contains key elements of human survival and development, such as: personal growth, health, education, economic self-sufficiency, community development, environmental stewardship, information management, and so on. I also believe in ACTION LEARNING. [2]

One of my many 'crimes' has been to try and bridge social, environmental, political, and economic reforms - while calling for honest stewardship. I have also strongly encouraged the use of innovative organizational change methods among the Left. [3] Big Brother has co-opted my interests and social marketing approaches, in order to form an even more powerful capitalist structure.

Co-operatives are a great remedy for many of society's problems. [4] Co-operatives also provide an empowering counterbalance to capitalism and corporate-controlled globalization. [5]

Holistic ways of learning and creating change are important, too. Some of my views on education are reflected in this book summary: Spirituality and education: A conceptual analysis by Parker J. Palmer, David E. Purpel, John P. Miller. Or read 'Integral Life, Integral Teacher' by Sarah Ruth van Gelder.


My Weak Self

One of my major shortcomings is self-betrayal. By being in constant fear, and allowing myself to take on all sorts of social negativity, I disrespected myself. I've been raging and reeling with pain and emotional reactiveness ever since. This has caused me to continuously betray both myself and others - on a personal and universal level. My endless betrayals sadden and frustrate me - yet even my grief is inhibited. Deep sorrow starts to well up, yet my mind and body somehow shut it out.

(Note: I removed one word from this blog for a day, as I felt I may have been overly proud in using it. I had recently read something by one of my heroes that inspired me to put aside my ego even more. Thank you, always.)

I struggle in my quest to be a happy, contented person - in solidarity with other people and various causes - while still endeavouring to make positive, practicable, and sustainable changes in this world. Maybe that's me being egotistical...I guess real change begins within.


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Notes:


[1] 'Progressive politics' are purposely being used to stir up social divisions and chaos, which results in more Divide and Conquer realities. (I've been a test-case model.) Please know that all areas of society -- particularly progressive groups and critical academic thought and research -- are being watched and influenced, with the help of surveillance technologies. The freedom to think, question, be critical, express dissent, take action, or be otherwise different is changing. See 'What is Fascism?'


[2] Action learning and other innovative approaches are often more readily taken up by the corporate world, where there's often less stagnancy and greater pressure to *perform*. See Partners for Learning and a corporate-based action learning consultancy to get an idea. Yet, action learning and action research originated in the non-profit, social development sector. Paulo Freire, Kurt Lewin, Donald Schon, and many others were key thinkers; I gravitate towards Parker Palmer's work. Also see 'Theories of learning' and 'NRM_changelinks.' I'll be posting more links, later. Many community groups, activists, and those in socio-environmental development are resistant to change and innovation: they're too overburdened, underfunded, and rightfully suspicious to embrace anything new. Co-ops and co-operatives may help to bridge and alleviate economic gaps, while reclaiming public input and control around social-environmental issues.


[3] A good book on organizational change is: Learning Works: Searching for Organizational Futures. Eds. Susan Wright and David Morley. Toronto: ABL Publications (1989). Probably only available in university bookstores.


[4] Empowerment Illustrated is an interesting weblog.


[5] To me, the joy of living by one's personal ethics, while being democratically in control of one's socio-economic welfare, accountable to one's local community, and responsible for one's surroundings, makes good sense.

Here's general info about co-operatives and some examples:

• 'Statement on the Co-operative Identity'
  
  
• Cooperative Peace by James Peter Warbasse (worth a read)
  
  
• Join Rabble.ca's discussion thread: 'Co-operatives in Canada and the world.'
  
  
• 'Women in Co-operatives in Canada: An Overview'
  
  
• 'Co-op America: Economic Action for a Just Planet'
  

Been there and back

The other day, I signed off of my weblog, and I was planning to take a proper break. I was partly inspired by a book I happened to open that evening. It's written by a pastor, who works mainly with alcoholics, using the Twelve Steps method (see another definition). This practical guidebook on spirituality and egocentric human suffering is an excellent read. Despite all the religious terms it uses, which I found a bit hard to get past, I surprised myself by reading the whole thing - and even rereading it. (Mind you, it's pretty short.)

Given how political I've been on here, I'll refrain from mentioning the title, at this time. However, I will be including it in my list of resources later. With my New Agey friends, it never matters what the 'religious background' or source is for any spiritual wisdom and inspiration - it's all one in the book of life.

I had opened this small book on spiritual healing, from time to time, but nothing really grabbed me, until the other night. It sits in my nightstand, along with a few other 'special books.' A friend in Ireland had sent me this text, along with one written by Norman Vincent Peale. I do admit I can get overly paranoid, sometimes. When I received these readings in the mail, my suspicions went into high gear, as I didn't know who they were from. Ironically, the subtitle of this particular book is: 'Surrendering Self-Centred Delusions in the Costly Journey of Faith.' How apt.

[Edit: Actually, I believe a lot of tampering has gone on in my home, so please let me not mislead anyone here. Yet, if what I've been saying is true, then it's also going on all over the place. Lots of folks are getting onboard with this supposed new 'moral agenda' and the controlling imperative of a privileged few. Far be it for me to get in the way of such a grand vision - which has nevertheless been built upon many of my ideas, experiences, insights, interests, and so on, and will continue to oppress and exploit many innocent people for years to come. But that's how things are. I should take responsibility: I deserve all the sh*t I've been through. Basic civil rights, human dignity, democracy, and freedom should be undermined - by all means possible. Us independent types might upset or usurp the status quo. You never know.]


Getting Clear

I went back to work today (technically, yesterday), after a week-and-a-half of rest. This has been an important time for me. I've learned so much, and I've done a lot of personal healing. Before I hurried off (on the verge of being late, as always), I was looking at my weblog, and I suddenly realized what a massive f*cking EGO I have. I mean, who the heck do I think I am?? Is it realistic for me to think I can take on the nation, or even the world?! Geez, I'm an idiot.

Focus is something I've always struggled with - big time. Yet I've been having this trait continually modelled for me. In one of the most epiphanic times of my life, I've had to consider my priorities and take a good hard look at myself: who am I, where am I going, what do I want, and so on. It's been an interesting week or so.

Part of the problem is, I do feel a responsibility towards others, and to a greater cause. I also want to make sure that everyone is safe. Yet, perhaps, I lack practical foundation - or I don't go about it in the right way. My stubborn ego and huge pride often seem to get in the way.

Regardless, I've decided to direct myself and my efforts in more positive ways, which I had said that I would do in an earlier post. Yet, I needed to allow myself time to fully integrate where my thoughts and feelings were going, mixed up as they are with my current layers of personal trauma and stored-up bodily emotions. It's been a very long and arduous journey - and hey, I'm only human, after all.

Still, for those of you who may consider my current situation quite hopeless, I myself know that there are many safeguards. Among other things, I take comfort in the fact that one of our oldest family friends is a court judge of the highest order. I've also taken many precautionary steps, and I have more than enough evidence to prove my circumstances. The question is how to do so peacably and amicably.


I hope you all have yourselves a wonderful day!

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Notes:

One thing that I've always found helpful in finding personal balance is getting together with people in intentional groups, and engaging in participatory learning:

• Participatory Learning and Action website
  
  
• Participatory Learning Techniques

Vacation time for my ego and I

Don't know if you've noticed, but my blogposts have been a bit 'jangly' and offcentred for the past while (ie, beyond my usual neurotic, carping ways). I've been feeling pretty over-the-top. As of today, I'm taking a short vacation from this weblog.

Someone also recently comunicated something to me, which is quite true: I have an addiction. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol - but I am addicted to finding constant *highs* to keep me from feeling my own inner pain. I'm hooked on praise and feeling special; I'm obsessed with 'success' and creating tangible outcomes (despite my clear lack of these, for such a long time); I love being at the centre of my own dramas; and, like an addict, I have great difficulty in maintaining any meaningful or lasting relationships with people. I'm too wired out. I'm preoccupied with myself and my needs. That darn ego - you gotta love it!

Despite my best intentions, I often have a knack for making a splash and impacting people, be it positively or negatively. Yet, it's been mostly negative effects I've been having on people, for the past many years. I need to be more honest with myself about this fact and take some responsibility. It all saddens me deeply. I think it's the resulting pain, grief, loneliness, and wretchedness from all the after-shocks, which I perhaps need to be with for awhile. May I be forgiven by some higher power.

I thank you all for reading along. I hope we may share many more wild discoveries together soon. I may even try something insanely novel and new for me, like actually finishing writing and editing an entry before I post it on here. Imagine that.


PS - For the record, I don't enjoy writing, and I've often struggled to form coherent thoughts on here. Thank you for putting up with all my long-winded rants, repetitiveness, sarcasm, personal quirks, and what-have-you. I appreciate it.

[Edit: I may be editing this blog intermittently, until things sit right with me. 07/29]

Spontaneous thinking

Added some comments to the other site. Things come to me on the fly, and perhaps sensing people's ongoing judgements and still-lingering doubts about me, this makes for a whole lot of spontaneous writing and compulsive editing.

Media awareness, and moving forward

I'd like to revisit the whole media awareness topic, which I broached in a recent post. [1] It came upon me by surprise. Being in a *low* state - and impulsive as usual - I expressed myself in a most dissatisfying way. I didn't nearly do justice to my long-standing views on this important subject. [2]

I also felt that I'd let down many wonderful people - some of whom do an excellent job of critiquing media and news, or who offer alternative views to all the fluffy information (read, shallow, conformist, corporate-heavy propaganda) that the public is constantly inundated with. I know - I totally dropped the ball on this one.


Media and Embodying Difference

Mass communications is crucial in today's world - yet people allow it to govern their minds, perceptions, and world views completely unchallenged. It's UNREAL! I respect the entertaining and educational aspects of media - and its overall power - yet I find all too often, the mass media does NOT serve the well-being of people, society, or this planet, in general.

People of colour well understand how disempowering media can be. While we may be increasingly included in media representations, we still remain two-dimensional, 'either-or' stereotypes or caricatures of who we are and have the potential to be. Such stereotypes are often subtly negative. (I'm oversimplifying here.) There's also what I call 'The Stickiness Factor;' I'll explain more about this, later.

African-American educator bell hooks has written some ground-breaking works, analyzing the many aspects and impacts of media, social representation, and learning, as have Aboriginal educators Winona LaDuke and Ward Churchill, and so many other activist-academics. [3] Check 'em out. bell hooks has also done some children's books. I had the honour and pleasure of meeting Ward Churchill and bell hooks in October 2003. [4]

All activists, fringe types, and marginalized folks experience being 'othered,' in one way or another - especially by the media. Be you a person of colour, queer, low-income, female, differently-abled, or whatever, there are many ways to get stigmatized.* Being viewed as less credible by those around you, or in the public's mind, is a constant struggle. Personally, the only people I've ever felt fully myself and whole around are those who: a) understand what it's like to be *different,* and b) honestly explore and lovingly celebrate their unique selves, while striving to live by their personal values - in spite of hegemony. [5]


*Note: I didn't include 'being green' in my personal list of stigmas, yet it has been one for me. The whole green issue is HUGE. At one time, I was more environmentally-responsible than some folks I meet - who merely look the part - yet, I get judged by so many. [6] (At least I can see my own contradictions in whatever I do, usually.) I also go 'against the grain' and have helped to instigate change, like starting paper-recycling programs in workplaces, getting people involved, spreading information, and so on. My various 'green' efforts date back to the 80s. I may not look like a tree-hugger type (actually, I have hugged trees), but I've been a lot more diligent than some. Also having once been a vegan (most things, except shoes, and that was due to circumstances, and then economics, etc), I'm aware of how powerful and political food choices really are.)


Making New Realities

Our society could be improved to help ensure better balances. Mass communications plays a critical role in affecting such changes (think Marshall McLuhan). [7] Learning how to effectively produce various forms of media, in order to develop more empowering messages, and help create spaces for different ways of thinking, being, and doing, is key. [8] What interests me about any type of media is its ability to tell a story, to stimulate greater awareness, and perhaps, even move people to ACTION. I strongly believe balanced, informative, and empowering media can help enable positive social and environmental changes.

I also believe in celebrating everyone - for each one of us deserves to be honoured and recognized, as the unique and wonderful human beings that we all essentially are inside (that is, if one lets go of the many social masks of distrust, animosity, misunderstandings, personal hurts, negative or traumatic experiences, and so on). [9] (Note: There are many ways to facilitate such socially-inclusive and holistic healing, and with courage and patience, anything is possible. I'll be posting resources on this topic, eventually.)

So, here's to *all of us* - the often unseen and unheard others. By making our voices heard, and taking back both our individual and collective power, we could help to create many positive and much-needed changes in this country.


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Notes to above:

[1] Due to the powerful public influence of Hollywood stars, I believe celebrities are increasingly being used to serve conservative agendas (see other posts).


[2] My main concerns about media are:

• a) Ensuring reliable information, better analysis, a wider range of perspectives, and public accountability;
  
  
• b) Cultivating awareness about the overall messages being broadcast to the public, which shape our collective consciousness; and
  
  
• c) Accurately representing the broad spectrum of society, in a less polarized and more whole way.
  

There are serious issues to be addressed around media and electronic information. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once wrote: 'None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free' [source]. Ensuring accountability in upholding truth, freedom, and civil rights, while striving to maintain a healthy biodiverse ecosystem - and attempting to do these things, without fear - shouldn't be as difficult as it currently is in our supposedly free and democratic nation.

The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt [Source. More about Franklin Delano Roosevelt.]

[3] See works by these thought-provoking academics:

See books by Winona LaDuke.

Books by bell hooks, and her website.

Published works by Ward Churchill.

(Note: Regardless of whether one agrees with these challenging authors or their viewpoints, in a so-called democracy, people have the right to be critical and should be able to express their opinions without censure. See books banned by U.S. libraries.)

Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt
- Bergen Evans The Natural History of Nonsense [Source (see halfway down).]

In case anyone should forget, all of us 'Others'
share many common oppressions:

[4] I had suggested bell hooks as a speaker at OISE's Spirit Matters: Wisdom Traditions and the "Great Work" conference. Glad they listened, but the conference, itself, was prohibitively expensive ($350 and $275 for students!).


[5] The greatest joy I've ever found have been in two seemingly opposite communities: a) open-minded or politically-conscious New Age spiritualists, and b) polyamorous, sexually diverse types (think The Ethical Slut and The Ethical Lover Group).


[6] The whole 'green' thing is a good example of how dualistic, and often negative, stereotypes tend to play out, based on race or other forms of difference. I call this: 'The Stickiness factor.' Just being one's natural self making better choices is never a possibility. At a fundamental level, such 'Othering' hinders our ability to create cohesive environmental action. Rare leaders, such as the greatly-missed Tooker Gomberg, have always seen past these things, looking as they do for real, holistic solutions.

(Note: Being committed enough to seek out the interconnectedness and taking a stand, while making one's voice heard - be it socially, environmentally, economically, or politically - is key to finding and co-creating workable solutions. I have come across many such individuals in the past year. This gives hope. Thank you for simply being you.)


[7] More about Marshall McLuhan and his work:

'Marshall McLuhan, the Man and his Message' - CBC Archives.

The Marshall McLuhan Global Research Network

'Marshall McLuhan: "The Medium is the Message"' by Todd Kappelman.


[8] For real news, check out 'Your Media' and 'Straight Goods.'

"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one." - A.J. Liebling [See source.]

[9] There are many people whom I have dishonoured over these past few years. Regardless of how things transpired, I should try to let go. Making amends and forgiving myself and others would vastly improve my character. It may even help me to walk my talk better. Wish me luck.

Solutions that work - Part 1

I'll be back to explore this topic further. I've removed the content of this post, for now.

Maintaining one's balance

Some thoughts to either keep me aiming higher, in terms of personal growth...

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one's own way. VIKTOR FRANKL

[See source. More about Viktor Frankl.]

Or keep me from overreaching and trying to change what cannot be changed...

'This world is nothing but a dance of shadows; a line drawn between darkness and light, joy and oppression, time and eternity. Learn to read this subtle line for it tells all the secrets of creation.' -- Fakhruddin Araqi, Sufi mystic (1213-1289 A.D.)

[Came across this in a book, but here's an online source.]

Me, myself, and I: Exploring personal depths

(This is long and kind of fuzzy, but oh well...)

Too Many Highs and Lows

I've hit some pretty serious lows, during these past few years - psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've also come to understand the mentalities of a lot of different people - including the realities they may be facing, how they may think about or perceive things, and so on. Be it the homeless, mentally insane, suicidal, psychotic, or otherwise, socially disenfranchised, I've shared similar head spaces and heartaches with some really *different* folks. Somehow, I managed to hold on to my sanity through it all - but just barely. (Thank you R. for your abiding love and profound wisdom.)


(Prepare yourselves for more self-centred ruminations on my banal past...)

Letting Go of Social Masks

My former school days were a high point in my life. I was pretty well-liked (believe it or not), kind of an 'It Girl, With a Unique Twist.' That may sound conceited, but it's true. [1]

I did the usual 'cool things,' although I often added my own brand of social rebellion to such activities - just to be different. I formed a rock band, played various sports, co-ordinated interesting events, won some awards, got asked to the prom by one of the 'It Boys,' etc, etc. Note: This latter point wasn't a major highlight for me (I had actually asked this cute, stocky Jewish guy from another school to go with me - who was also an 'It Boy,' in his own right, though not stereotypically so) - yet as a self-righteous queer, I often feel the need to clarify that my homosexual desires are *inherent*, not acquired. [2] An overwhelming number of women have bisexual urges. [3] I believe most people are born bisexual and are socialized into being heteros. [4] [5] Also, for the record, my surveillers like to paint me as being anti-White or a man-hater. Not true! I've been angry, resentful, and antagonistic towards everyone.



Overall, I was pretty happy to be me - in terms of who I was, and where I was at. In fact, I kind of looked down on those who wanted to be cookie-cutter versions of someone else. (Hey, I was a teenager - having an *attitude* was part of the territory.) Even back then, I felt many people disrespected their own true essences, wonderful beings, and unique selves by becoming mindless drones or cheap imitations of seemingly glamorous others. Talk about boring! But then, who am I to judge?

Despite the many good times I had enjoyed, I was still somewhat miserable inside. Keeping one's cool, and endeavouring not to be lumped in with anybody else (especially based on race), is hard work. (I was also struggling with school courses, but that's a whole other topic...) Wise words, like Anna Quindlen's commencement speech at Mount Holyoke College, help one to keep things in perspective. [6]

[Edit: I just reread Quindlen's speech for the first time in a long while, and I'm adding the paragraph, below. Some of my words in this post seem to closely parallel Quindlen's own, yet they sprang from my own thoughts.]

Much like Quindlen suggests, I did follow my own path - and I do feel I've developed a rich and vibrant core. Yet, I've also discovered, the long and hard way, that maintaining some personal and social facades IS necessary, at times. [7] Take it from one who knows: having put my *real self* out there way too much and too often (easy bait for predatory types), I have felt betrayed, used, and abused, time and again; and I've become angry, reactive and confused, as a result.

I also deeply grieve what has happened, and is continuing to happen - on an epic scale - partly as a result of my strong antagonisms, outspokenness, and sheer wretchedness, while being under constant surveillance and harassment. I don't regret my ideas - I just feel horrible about how intense I've been about everything.


Doing the Hard Work of Healing

I'm now focusing on moving forward. If I can do so with more awareness and sensitivity - while still being true to who I am - I'll consider it a major accomplishment. I guess I don't have much more to say on all this: it's less about words, and more about being and doing.

Thank you for bearing witness to my journey.


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Notes:

[1] I've occasionally bumped into old school friends in my now degraded state. Their respect and appreciation for me has been both touching and painful. It's like being a bag lady, who's suddenly recognized for once holding some respectable position in life. One encounter was particularly poignant. Yet, as I tried to describe the situation to my therapists, they could only see me as who I appear to be, right now. They had little compassion for how big my fall from grace was, or how far my personal experiences have taken me - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. ('Yeah, you're unemployed, your place is miserable, you're afraid to be out in public, you have no friends, you're broke, you're deeply angry, you're being harassed, blah, blah, blah... Gee, you sound delusional. Here, take some medication.')


[2] I was fairly well-adjusted growing up. However, I've been a 'tomboy' all my life, and I've been interested in both sexes since an early age. Many people may have ambivalent feelings about their assigned gender roles. Mine stem from the simple fact that I didn't (and still don't) enjoy most of the 'girly-girl' activities that I was expected to engage in - I wanted to be where the fun, action, and adventures were! This doesn't make me an *abnormal* person (just ask Mary Cheney): I was simply different.


[3] Queer desire was socially accepted - even expected, and sometimes revered - in many ancient cultures around the world. Kanika Goswami's 'Homosexuality and our forefathers' surveys this topic, using a South Asian focus. Androgyny and 'two-spiritedness' were widely accepted in historical Native American culture. Bruce Bagemihl's article, 'Left-Handed Bears & Androgynous Cassowaries,' is interesting.

(Note: I posted the following comment on Wikipedia's 'The History of Sex' page. "* ...Is it possible to use a different picture at the start of this page? I think the connotations of 'sex worker,' in relation to a) 'The History of Sex,' and b) a specific race and culture, can be unnecessarily degrading and detracts from what is an excellent topic and information resource. Not that sex trade shouldn't be honestly explored, but as an opener to the overall topic of sex, I think it can be misleading. Thanks for allowing me to comment.")


[4] Sigmund Freud pioneered the idea of ungendered sexual drives in modern psychology, although I disagree with his notion that homosexuality can never be inborn or hereditary. Some of his theories are dated and reflect his conservative upbringing and social environment (though he was a cocaine user). Personally, I lean towards Jungian psychology [edited link]. Alfred Kinsey's research revolutionized the field of human sexuality (see Kinsey Reports).


[5] Here's an interesting listserv discussion on polymorphous perversity. I can see where the first person is coming from, though I don't fully agree. Structure, order, and established ways are obviously important, yet I also believe in 'process': creative and uninhibited explorations are sometimes necessary, before better solutions and personal/ social/ cultural growth can be attained. Organizational learning can help achieve better balances by: a) respecting organizational culture and structures, and b) remaining flexible and responsive to important changes, and doing so in a way that strengthens the whole.


[6] See books by Anna Quindlen.


[7] My downhill slide, over the past few years, is partly the result of peeling away almost ALL the layers of my social masks, while exploring some pretty 'way out' experiences - both socially and spiritually. Like participating in an eight-hour long rathayatra (Hindu religious procession), under a beating hot sun in Delhi - it's quite an experience. This may sound trite, but for years, I was seeking some higher purpose or meaning to life. Yet I now realize that: a) there are no definitive answers and trying to find any could drive a person insane (literally), and b) social masks and personal ego are necessary for sheer survival in society. The challenge now is resocializing myself, while staying as true as I possibly can to my overall learning, growth, and experiences.

Staying true, building bridges

Lacking tact and social finesse, I often offend or alienate people. Yet, it bothers me, when I do so with people that I hold dear or regard very highly.

Bitching from the bottom is one of my better skills. Yet, actually knowing how to negotiate differences and share power is somewhat new territory for me: I usually veer to extremes. I guess I have many lessons to learn in this area.

Just so you know, I often avoid mentioning or discussing certain individuals and their respective work on here, so as not to pre-empt anything (which I have a tendency of doing). All of you rock my world! I hope we may be allies, in some future way.

How do people collectively achieve positive change, in a democratic, self-directed way? I have no greater wish than to see this happen. Yet, my huge ego, loud mouth, and lack of know-how are major barriers to forming constructive relationships. I am trying, however.


• · º ¤´• ·. ·¤ ° ø · O • ∞ ° ¤ ‚ · º ¤ . • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ º ¤ •

LOVE • RESPECT • GRATITUDE


To all my favourite folks,

best role models, and true heroes!

(you know who you are)

peace

• · º ¤ ´ · ° ø · O • ∞ ° · • ¤ • ‚ · º ¤ • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ ° · •

Centralizing internet spying

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I've been talking about re: public surveillance. Here's an interesting post, plus a brief internet discussion thread:

'Bush: ISPs Must Help Government Spy On Internet Users'

Various websites, methods, and avenues for preserving online anonymity and privacy have been shut down over the past couple of years. I've watched it happening. But since I'm unable to gain any credibility about my own problems, there's not much I could say or do about it. I've definitely tried to warn people - so please don't say I didn't.

Privacy products and anonymity sites - plus ALL Internet Service Providers - give a false sense of security and protection. Yet, 'back door' access is always available to the government (specifically U.S. intelligence, via CSIS), without any cause whatsoever. Everything's clearly being linked up, or 'centralized,' anyway, so they can easily bypass asking respective companies or organizations for permission to access any data or line connections.

Radio Shack Becomes The Source

Another point of interest...Radio Shack, Canada's last Canadian-driven electronics retailer, has recently been bought out by Circuit City.

More than 900 Canadian electronics stores to become THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY

Richmond, Va. and Barrie, ON, April 27, 2005 - Circuit City Stores, Inc. and InterTAN Canada Ltd. today announced that on or before June 30, 2005, all stores currently operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd. under license from RadioShack Corporation will be re-branded as THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY stores begins today with the unveiling of the Toronto Eaton Centre location.

"Ninety percent of all Canadians live within a 10-minute drive to one of our locations. By June 30, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have the same national coverage," said Brian Levy, president and chief executive officer of InterTAN Canada Ltd. "Customers will continue to see quality, national and international electronics brands as well as an emphasis on personal and portable devices."

THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be the local destination for personal electronics such as MP3 players, digital cameras, LCD TVs and a broad selection of personal and portable consumer electronics. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will also offer a diverse mix of communication, computer and household electronic products.

The Eaton Centre store in Toronto is the first location to be re-branded THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY and will be followed by other locations in the Greater Toronto Area and other major markets. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be supported by a major advertising campaign featuring television and radio commercials as well as print and outdoor advertising.

The company also released a copy of the mark for THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY.

www.TheSourceCC.com

About THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY (www.thesourcecc.com) is operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd., an indirectly owned subsidiary of Circuit City Stores, Inc. Building on InterTAN Canada Ltd.’s more than 30 years of experience as an electronics retailer, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have more than 900 locations nationwide by June 30, 2005. All stores will offer a wide range of brand name consumer electronics including communications, computing, personal audio and cool gadgets.

About Circuit City Stores, Inc. Circuit City Stores, Inc. (NYSE:CC) is a leading specialty retailer of consumer electronics throughout the United States and Canada. The company’s domestic segment operates through 612 Superstores and five mall-based stores in the United States. The company’s international segment operates through approximately 1,000 retail stores, dealers and other outlets in Canada.
### [See article source and related discussion.]

Life is a journey

Now that I'm getting more balance back (er, sort of...), I can see why people think what they do about me. My only defense is: I was spinning out in my own f*cking universe!! I've also been through a helluva lot of stress, and I've learned a whole new set of life skills, as a result.

Contrary to what readers, here, may think:

• I used to be a well-liked person, and fairly well-adjusted. All of my dearest friends remain so, yet I've had to distance myself, due to the surveillance.
  
  (Note: After a couple of years, I realized my friends were being watched anyway, so I resumed contact with some, though cautiously.) [1]
  
  
• Both my parents are honest, straightforward individuals - sometimes too much so. People have often appreciated and relied upon either my mother or my father for their frank, trustworthy, and reliable natures. They aren't perfect by any means, but they're definitely not shady or wily (or convoluted, like how I've become).
  
  
• Moreover, my folks have always sought to treat people as equals. While they may have been socialized in certain ways, and thus, have inherent biases or social tendencies - they do each strive for a higher good, within their limited capacities. Both my parents are intellectually open-minded (though my father leans towards conservative values), and they are sensitive enough to recognize social disparities and unjust realities - plus they have their own experiences to draw from. Overall, they're pretty good people. I have been a shame and a disappointment to my parents, and to my whole family - and indeed, a betrayer of my own race. [2] (So were Hitler and Jesus, in a way.) Yet, things eventually do come full circle - or so I've been told. I'm trying hard to believe in this maxim, having no other power at my avail. Since I have seemingly and inadvertently helped Big Brother undermine public power and autonomy, and thereby, achieve almost global control, I can only trust that the Divine Plan is somehow unfolding as it should be. [3]
  
  (Note: 2001 to 2003 marks the beginning of a major political paradigm shift. This has been partly developed through my surveillers' study of my somewhat unique life, personal experiences, various rants, and topsy-turvy ways. For example, as I ventured out into the world, I learned about imperialism from different perspectives, and also the effects of economic imperialism (see end of page) - particularly as these may relate to different nations, cultures, ethnic groups, and so on. Like, my being seen as a 'Japanese tourist' in developing countries, and learning about Chinese diasporic experiences in different regions, and so on, have all helped to shape my understanding of economics, culture, and imperialism. [4] Having worked in Asia, I've also been critical of China's autocratic regime, the hegemony in Chinese culture, the social intolerance, lack of environmental stewardship, and so on. It's like Confucianism got stuck in a 400-year old rut!! [5])
  
  
• My extended family are upright, decent, regular people. I will refrain from mentioning them on here, again.
  
  
• I may have a seemingly twisted mind, now - but such things can be learned. I've always been a deep thinker. Yet, some of my 'survival adventures' and several years of (racist, inhumane) surveillance would teach any desperate person a whole lot more about the complexities of life and power politics. [6]
  
  (Note: I've never been the kind to have nasty thoughts about people (without cause), or imagine really sick things in my mind. But I've come into a whole new phase of being, these past few years. I'm now trying to refind my core self.)
  
  
• I'm not able to hide my emotional sh*t, as most people can and do. My thoughts and feelings are right out there, readily seen by all - except perhaps my grief and sorrow, which remain deeply submerged.
  
  
• As belligerent and reactive as I may be now, I did seek love, peace, and beauty in the world before. How very naive I was.

I started off this post wanting to rant about how grievously misunderstood I feel - and have felt. [7] Yet, my time and energy could be spent more productively. I have to get back on track with my life, make amends, and do whatever little I can to help make this world a better place.

However, it wouldn't be *me*, if I didn't end this post with one last neurotic display of insecurity. Below are some pics and visuals from different periods of my life.

***

I once felt the world's problems deeply. The 1980s saw the threat of the Cold War reach its peak. I wrote this poem in 1986 (though the background was created in 1984).

'Mourning Dove'

My pro-peace, justice-seeking ways and various activism continued into my university days.

Hallowe'en costumes

My marketing efforts went from doing variety shows and the high school Spring Formal, to helping to create posters and slogans for my first roommate's floor rep campaign, and pursuing various other projects and causes on campus (eg, petitioning free trade, disability awareness, etc). The university experience was good for me, in terms of *ideas* - but not scholastically.

I used this hand-wringer, in conjunction with my Wonder Washer, to do laundry. [8] In this photo, you can also see that my bathtub has no shower curtain: I sat in the tub to shower and bathe for three years - not easy. When I say I was feeling 'financially desperate,' I'm not hyping things up. Being supported by my mother, I was and am conscious of every extra expense. When I wasn't suffering overwhelming depression, I did try to find work, contrary to most people's assumptions about me. [9] [10]

(Note: I am not a user - I always try to give more than I take in anything that I may do or be involved in.)

Hand-wringer

(Note: Water has become a key focus, ever since Ontario's province-wide power outage in August 2003.)

My messy place before creating a home bar.

My home bar (1)

My home bar (2)

(Note: These bottles were empties that I got from local bins; I filled them with water and food colouring.)


I've always been a bit of a lush (just joking). Well, I did use to carry pocket-sized liquor bottles to school, and I have a couple of flasks floating around somewhere: I could definitely hold my alcohol. Too bad I can't drink so much now. Perhaps that's why becoming a bartender turned into such an all-out goal for me - I love mixing cocktails, and I enjoy seeing others have a blast! This Andy Capp comic strip used to be taped inside my locker.

From about 1996 onward, I noticed my language skills started going downhill, while I was working in Asia. I also felt my jaw shift inward in 1998. (I'd had several teeth removed in childhood, and dentists have noted how small my mouth is.) Being a native English speaker, and speaking only English at home, and so on, I know that my verbal struggles and variances in speech are mostly due to causal factors (eg, my jaw, ADD, constantly speaking to non-English speakers abroad, etc) and also some psychological ones. But no one believes me, of course. Yet, you can see how indented my mouth is, below. There is no greater frustration for a talkative person, like myself, than to have difficulty speaking (arghh!). (Note: I'm very neurotic about this point.)

Me, the wannabe bartender, with my former neighbour's cat. This is the friendliest and most affectionate cat I've ever met - bar none! I did eventually get hired as a bartender at a number of respected venues. Yet, I probably lack the organization, deftness, and circumspect control needed to make bartending a satisfying long-term endeavour - plus, I was angry and emotionally distressed about being surveilled and harassed by government moles, who are everpresent.

(Note: I'll eventually post more pics here. If you're wondering why I haven't included snaps of me at my most queer (or punk and blitz, for that matter), it's because most of my photos aren't handy. Also, in more recent pictures, there are those whom I'm being photographed with to consider.)


People would never believe my experiences in a million years. As of today, however, I've given up on this foolish and pointless expectation. Life is what it is. Perhaps I simply need to be more positive, loving, and centred, as a person. I won't say grounded exactly, because I will always be a dreamer at heart.

----------

[1] I'll be posting some email messages from friends to show that weird stuff is going on, and that completely innocent people are likely being interfered with.

[2] The tragic losses and sudden illnesses of various people have been hitting me pretty hard, believe it or not. I may post a recording of the last funeral I attended.

[3] Since 2001, intelligence agencies have been studying my eclectic interests in holistic health, alternative medicine, bodywork, energy healing, spirituality, and so on. I'm not all that unique. Yet, the personal development methods and natural techniques that I pay attention to usually do work - they're not hocus-pocus. Plus, with my activist bent, I always strive to support the underdog (eg, proprietors of health food stores, small businesses in the alternative health field, grassroots community development, and so on). Now, Big Brother is closely exploring natural health and spiritual beliefs across cultures.

[4] It's ironic that I've never studied or researched most of the subjects that I discuss in this blog. I'm learning new things, as I write about them on here. Some of it confirms what I've been seeing, sensing, and experiencing in the world all along.

More on imperialism from different perspectives:

• 'The Age of Imperialism'
  
  
• 'The Age of Imperialism' (U.S.)
  
  
• 'The New Imperialism'
  
  
• 'Imperialism Resources'
  
  
• 'Lenin: Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism'

And also see economic imperialism...

• 'Economic Imperialism' - Interview with Gary Becker, 1992 Nobel Laureate in economic science.
  
  
• 'The history of economic imperialism and globalization'
  
  
• Economic Imperialism: The Problem of the Free Trade Proposed in the FTAA

[5] I'll be sharing off-the-cuff thoughts and feelings about China and Chinese culture - such as its political oppression, social debasement, environmental disregard, material fixation, cultural stagnation, lack of spiritual upliftment, and so on - later. Taoism seems like a good counterbalance to Confucian values and its habituated dogma.

Note: I grew up with almost no knowledge about my cultural ancestry. My folks never really talked about it (they came to North America in the 50s to study university here, and some of my relatives are several generations Canadian, etc), and I had no interest in learning more. Yet my consciousness-raising years at university aroused some desire to become more 'whole.' Like many graduates, I travelled abroad, yet I ended up staying longer than most. It was a blast! I met interesting people from all over the place.


[6] Please see the films: The Firm and Runaway Jury. (Looking for other review on The Firm... I mentioned Runaway Jury in previous posts. Note: I've changed and grown a lot since writing the November 2004 entry.)

[7] No doubts whatsoever about your awesome appeal - concerned.

[8] When I talk about alternative laundry, feminine hygiene products also spring to mind. Depending on circumstances, I use a mix of things -- including disposable pads, unfortunately. Washable cloth pads are great. I've also used The Keeper from Eco-Logique (they seem to have closed), and there's the DivaCup. The Keeper's made of 'natural' rubber; the DivaCup is made of silicone. See more on menstrual health.

[9] I may post an outline of my résumé later, so people can better appreciate why my getting absolutely NO JOB INTERVIEWS seems odd. (Correction: I did get calls from two women's organizations, for which I am grateful. It let me know that my experience is worth something.) I kept applying for restaurant work because there seemed to be less government interference in this area of employment - at first.

[10] Many people have implied that I wasn't looking hard enough for jobs, or that my standards were perhaps too high, and so on. Well, at one point, I was washing dishes for minimum wage. I'd say that's pretty desperate and willing. Still, I've come to see beauty in humility, ever since being abroad. But perhaps I've taken up masochistic subservience a little too willingly (yikes). Some of my employers have been awful. I certainly didn't put up with sh*t when I was in school - but I've changed a lot.

Getting the message across

Been trying not to complain about the heat and humidity, lately, but it hit 39 Celsius the other day (whew!). Hard to be productive. Keeping up with some of my most discerning critics is also a challenge.

Here's to balancing work with humour...

COMICS FOR THE CAUSE

(funny, useful, and all too true)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Meatrix (must see!)

www.themeatrix.com



Terrorist Information Awareness

www.workingforchange.com



Mad Cow: The Real Story

(Be warned - this flash video contains foul language...)



www.extremefunnyhumor.com/fun_madcow.htm

More clarifications: recent post

(Yet again, I digress from surveillance issues.)

Regaining my credibility with readers of this blog will probably take time. So I may as well start tackling the situation right now...


Birthday Dinner 'Do'

Recently, I had posted a private post. Other people may have read this note, which is totally fine; yet, I feel the need to contextualize the contents.

I celebrated my birthday recently. It was the first time I did so with my extended family in some years. [1] Since quite a few of us are born during these summer months, my relative splurged on champagne - a nice gesture.

Several of my relatives live in the U.S. Given all the controversial things I write on here, you can imagine how concerned I am for them. If I were more organized, I could better demonstrate just how pervasively government security bodies are wielding their power.

Civil rights are going right down the tubes, folks, and a corporate-driven police state is being created on a massive scale. (Doing these Canada-wide phone surveys makes me feel pretty awful about where things are headed.)


Creating an Activist Network

There are folks I'd like to be collaborating with. I hope we may work together in future. [2]

-------

[1] My life did not start *normalizing* until this year; I continue to experience threats and reminders of surveillance or harassment on a regular basis.

[2] Most activists and interesting folks, who I see out there, are already being watched and likely have many moles around them: it's all-encompassing. The best thing for people to do is try to discern who's real, and then, join efforts.

Weblog diversions

(Problems posting for past week - with screenshots and requests for assistance to prove it.) [1]

This being the peak of summer, I've been totally self-absorbed and self-indulgent, while writing this weblog. After all - who the hell would be reading this sh*t, right?? So, I've kind of been CRAZILY GOING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Whooo.

If you're a regular reader (not sure that I have any), I fear that I may have lost all my credibility with you. I apologize. In fact, I know and deeply feel that I've been particularly disloyal to my queer peers, in my impetuous attempts to seem more respectable, acceptable, or desirable to others. Shame on me.

Yet, have no fear, I will be getting back on track - albeit, in a slightly diluted version. The threats to health and well-being, which I keep referring to, are quite real.

Stay tuned for a discussion on some of my favourite media personalities. . .

----------

Notes:

[1] You may have noticed in the Blogger Forum post that I had *not* included my weblog link; yet, the person who replied to my questions speaks knowingly about my blog, as if they've seen it. Also, the original title of this post, in draft form, was 'Crashing and Burning.' Funny.

I may grovel a lot, but true humility isn't one of my strong points. [1] I may also happily serve people and causes I believe in, yet unwieldy Pride still rears up in me like an untamed animal.

Recently, I've been struggling in my interactions with people, and I asked myself: 'Why must I work so hard to be believed or understood?'

Two of the answers I received came in the form of poems. Both are written by the Sufi poet Jelaluddin Rumi. [2] This is a verse from the first one:

'Be Lost in the Call'

...
Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.
...

And the second poem...

Not
Christian or Jew or
Muslim, not Hindu,
Buddhist, Sufi, or Zen.
Not any religion

Or cultural system. I am
not from the east
or the west, not
out of the ocean or up

From the ground, not
natural or ethereal, not
composed of elements at all.
I do not exist,

Am not an entity in this
world or the next,
did not descend from
Adam and Eve or any

Origin story. My place is
the placeless, a trace
of the traceless.
Neither body or soul.

I belong to the beloved,
Have seen the two
worlds as one and
that one
call to and know,

First, last, outer, inner,
only that breath breathing

Human being.


by Jelaluddin Rumi
Translation by Coleman Barks in The Illuminated Rumi.*

The world has changed in just a few short years; I footnoted it here. I was also a catalyst, to my everlasting regret. People may find all this difficult to conceive, and since no one has believed me, thus far - so be it.

My problem now is, the egotist in me is reluctant to give way to the higher callings of spirit.


*One of my dearest friends gave me the Rumi book, for which I am eternally grateful. Much love and respect.

---------

[1] Answers.com's definition of humility. Striving to be humble in many situations is good - but, overall, I think maintaining one's ego is still necessary, in order to survive in this world. We live in a rationalistic society, with many harsh realities. Deep humility, I find, is something that needs to be experienced first-hand to have any sort of impact, or to inspire lasting change. Otherwise, it's all about structures, systems, networks, cultures (work, social, etc), and mentalities.

[2] Practically speaking, I haven't always found that Sufism poems, such as Rumi's, answer all my problems. Love certainly seems to be the most enlightened human condition - and a powerful emotion - but complete surrender to it can also be devastating. Loving ecstasy leaves one vulnerable and defenseless. In certain situations, one must stay grounded and detached.

Sustaining positive change

Every facilitator, educator, enabler, and activist should read The Fifth Discipline by Peter Senge et al:

• Fieldbook.com
  
  
• Fifth Discipline Fieldbook
  
  
• 'Review of The Fifth Discipline'
  

Grassroots community initiatives and public interest groups could be achieving far more, IF participants learned how to work together creatively and constructively, and IF they made more effort to understand how and why corporations may excel. [2][3]

---------

Footnotes:

[1] I came across The Fifth Discipline in 1996 - I was so excited, I got copies for friends/colleagues. More links reviewing this book:

• 'The Fifth Discipline' - a short review by Fleming Funch, 1995.
  
  
• Peter M. Senge, The Fifth Discipline: The Art & Practice of The Learning Organization

[2] From 1999 to 2003, I often commented that running a government is like managing a business or large organization. 'Government is an organization like any other' is yet another of my outspoken observations, which Big Brother found interesting and useful. I believe they've taken up this idea with full gusto.

(Note: TVO recently featured a documentary about the history of provincial politics in Ontario. By closely analyzing the development and subsequent demise of 'The Big Blue Machine,' one gets a clear picture about how the Ontario Progressive Conservative party managed to stay in power for 42 years. I believe a new Big Blue Machine is being built on a national level. PC party leader Stephen Harper possibly being eased out in favour of someone with broader appeal is part of a comprehensive strategy (or they will make him more popularly appealing through savvy political handlers and media manipulations). I have also previously suggested a 'Carrot-and-Stick' media approach is being used by both the Conservatives and the Liberals to maintain overall power, while ensuring U.S. priorities are being met.)

[3] Having inadvertently helped Big Bro improve their enlistment of moles and plants, I would advise people to be aware of their presence within most groups or organizations - big, small, or even seemingly casual. OCAP (Ontario Coalition Against Poverty) is just one likely example, but I believe it's happening EVERYWHERE - in for-profit and non-profit circles, alike, progressive or conservative, you name it.

Trying too damn hard

I'm digressing, yet again...but I think I need to set the record straight about where I've been coming from.

First, it's amazing how I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and how I endlessly contradict myself. Yet, I can say that every single thing I've written here is true - to the best of my knowledge.

People can change. I haven't even begun to describe my 4-year long attempts to regain my privacy, and to otherwise circumvent Big Brother's control over my life.

Having gone through a whole spectrum of experiences and emotional states, I've discovered sides to myself that I never knew I had, or that I even thought I was capable of having. Once being a caring person, I have experienced some pretty nasty moments, plus total detachment from other people's suffering - well beyond the norm.

Am I glad about having expanded my horizons so? I don't know. One can get lost, and there seem to be far more negative forces than positive ones, and these can really pull one down. (Maybe I've become like that, myself, but I think I'm also capable of creating light.) [1]

Having no one believe in a word I say also hasn't been much fun. Below is part of a post*, which I started writing on June 20:

For my therapists, it was always just another work week. For me, I was in deep emotional pain, and things were getting freakin' desperate!

I was unemployed for years, got kicked out of school, was living on the fringes of society, and was/am being surveilled and regularly harassed - yet no one understood or believed me. I also started to realize some therapists are just educated power-trippers. All of this is enough to drive one completely insane. Seriously.

Determined not to be dependent upon my mother, I sought countless jobs, yet never lasted at any of them. I was in turmoil from the constant blows to my self-esteem - plus, I kept coming across people, who seemed to know stuff about me (I've gotten used to this now), wrong number and crank calls were a frequent phenomena, and I was increasingly able to predict news happenings with uncanny accuracy, and so on.

I'll be exploring the subject of my sanity, within institutional contexts, later.


Note: I've gotten so used to having people doubt or ignore my once-overwhelming pain that I often use the same cynical, reductionist, and quantifable ways of framing things, as others seem to. I feel the revised excerpt above is a more balanced account of how things actually were for me.


PS - I'm having trouble publishing some web posts. [2]

----------

[1] I don't refer to positives and negatives in a simplistic or dualistic way, and I certainly don't see 'good' and 'bad' in superficial terms. Some things may seem negative, yet they may also be necessary for generating positive growth.

[2] My weblog has developed a mind of its own. Certain posts that I write or re-edit are not showing up. I guess I'll take a cue from that...

Keeping things simple

It probably does little good to tell people about what I suspect is going on. If I am right, I've done more than enough damage, just by trying to do right by others and by wishing well for this world.

So, here's to keeping it simple...

'Our Greatest Fear'

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

'Our Greatest Fear,' by Marianne Williamson, is from her book Return to Love (1992).

'The Gift of Change' explores the not-so-simple realities of our world. I find Williamson's writing profoundly combines the spiritual with the practical. Somehow, this gives me hope for a better world.

Getting centred...

The past month of weblog posts have been confused and confusing. I've been compulsively editing comments - while sorting out past experiences in my mind, current realities, and ongoing relationships. Holy smokes.

It's been good! I've learned some important lessons.

Where to go from here

Feeling a bit frustrated with both myself and this blog.

1. This weblog is getting cumbersome. It needs to be split into two formats: a 'facts-only' version, and a chronicle of 'my personal thoughts and overall journey.' Eventually, I'd like to create a website to contain everything.
   
   
2. I also want to be actively collaborating with other great people that I see out there, who are doing similar kinds of work. Several heads put together are far better than one.
   

Becoming a media watchdog

Limiting my TV-viewing has definitely reduced the effects of media pollution and propaganda upon my mind. Most mainstream TV doesn't interest me, anyway. I've never personally owned a TV set, and I hardly ever used to read newspapers or magazines. Who needs all that negative news and media hype, anyway?

Yet, I started becoming a reluctant media-watcher about a year and a half ago - though I had taken courses on the subject, years before. I've increasingly found myself observing and critiquing media trends, as I think they're tied into other important issues (eg, illegal government surveillance, corporate collusion, digital monopolies).

Occasionally, you may find some of my crazy notions on here ring true. In fact, after I post certain thoughts or ideas, news on that very subject will show up in popular media outlets (particularly Toronto ones), soon after. Or, similar analysis - with a counter-spin - may show up in TV programs awhile later. It's pretty remarkable. Had I kept track all along, I'm sure people would find the close and coincidental timing quite strange.

News article, below, is one example...

--------------------------------

July 6, 2005

(Chronological ordering doesn't always work for me, so I'm posting this article here to keep the information together.)

This news article from MetroNews.ca analyzes Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' recent engagement from precisely the 'publicity stunt' angle I was suggesting was happening in the Jennifer Aniston - Brad Pitt - Angelina Jolie love triangle scenario. Of course, when I say these things, people think I'm nuts (*grin*). [1]

Personally, I think Tom Cruise is being put on this publicity-blazing trail by his agent and PR people. I saw another news article, describing odd things that Cruise has been doing, ever since he got engaged; they seem designed for maximum publicity splashes.

Also, if you didn't know, Tom Cruise is big on personal privacy, and he has strong control over his star image. [2] (Note: The Hollywood Star System is an entire body of work within film theory and criticism.) [3]

------------

[1] See other posts about Brad, Jen, Angelina:

'Brad and Jen: Moving millions' - Jan. 26, 2005

'Various: 9-11, murders, movies' - June 5, 2005


[2] I highly respect Tom Cruise, as an actor, and I don't wish to denigrate his character. Personally, I think he's getting a lot of flak from the press, who are consistently *uncritical* in examining all other news stories for hidden political or corporate agendas and possible fabrications.


[3] These web resources give a sense of what film theory and criticism is about:

• Images: In Focus - 'Greta Garbo is Sad: Some Historical Reflections on the Paradoxes of Stardom in the American Film Industry, 1910-1960' by Brian Gallagher
  
  
• The Star System: Hollywood's Production of Popular Identities by Paul McDonald
  
  
• TheatreBooks: Women, Gender & Feminist Criticism, Theory and History
  
  
• 'Viewer "Identification" with Characters in Television and Film Fiction' by Peter van Beneden

Innovating our society

Remember what I said about implementation? Social and environmental innovations don't always work well within existing frameworks. A key challenge to creating positive and lasting changes in our society lies in bridging where things are at now and what is possible.

Looking back at the things I've helped to create, with a far more critical eye (now that I have a sharp reviewer for a friend), I can see how strongly biased things may appear to others, at first glance. [1] However, you actually have to be IN THE SITUATION to understand:

1. Why the material is tailored to certain audiences (eg, who makes the decisions? what are the desired outcomes? etc);
   
   
2. Why the information or overall emphasis may seem to be directed at certain people or causes, or to lean in specific directions; and
   
   
3. How and why my ideas actually work.
   

I try to include and acknowledge all people or interested parties - without diluting the overall message, purpose, or targeted outcomes of the project. Innovation balanced with practicality.


Creating Change Through Community

I enjoy discussing social-environmental change ideas in many different areas. But the one that matters to me most, and which Big Brother has learned so much from, is my never-ending quest to create community. I don't just mean any type of community, but the kind that really opens up one's heart and soul to a deeper experience of joy and communion, while (optionally) still supporting important causes or group action. [1] I've participated in equitable and caring community groups or gatherings (usually non-political ones), so I know it is possible to create them - yet, it's always a delicate process: respect is key.

Before, I always attempted to broaden social contexts, so that everyone may participate. Greater equality and satisfaction, effective co-operation, and more productive outcomes are often the result. I suppose this is called participatory democracy. [2]

Big Brother has found my views and approaches to be highly useful. Sure, there are countless other people, who are far more accomplished, intelligent, active, and capable than myself, whom the government really should be watching. Yet, there are many reasons why I've remained a prime focus for Big Brother.


------

[1] Far too many activists feel drained and overburdened. Yet, most do not realize how supportive and energizing, as well as practical and constructive, circles and circling can be.

[2] More about participatory democracy:

• Wikipedia definition;


• The Six Nations: Oldest Living Participatory Democracy on Earth;


• Short page on participatory democracy.

'You are a child of the universe...'

My mother has always been one to appreciate inspiring words of wisdom, and she enjoys sharing such soul-food with others. Max Ehrmann's 'Desiderata' (1927) is one such timeless classic, which she keeps posted on a cabinet.

Ehrmann's simple, yet profound verses are humbling: they remind me how far I am from being spiritually balanced and at peace. As a therapist once said, I'm too stuck on this notion of 'fairness' - it's unrealistic.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

...
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
...

Striving for wholeness

Just started a second part-time job. They've legally bound me not to disclose any information. I know there are alternatives to selling out like this. Eventually, I'll get there: I have a dream.

Creating rainbow realities

Happy Pride, everyone!

Forever editing

Edited several recent posts, back to June 5. I only seem to have two gears: wordy and long-winded.

Toronto marketing maniac

Ever get that crazy marketing bug? I sure did. Here are a few 'marketing projects,' which I created for myself between 2000 and 2002. [1]

During these past few years, I've acquired a reputation for being a shameless self-promoter. Yet, I feel my earlier marketing efforts were more about: 1) surviving in the workplace, 2) wanting to see my ideas being put to use, and 3) needing to create the type of world that I, personally, would enjoy living in. That's just my view of the situation; but I'll let you be the judge.

I certainly was desperate to find both community and alternative spaces - plus, I felt an overall urgency about where our world is headed. Sadly, due to my reactiveness, and my being under constant government surveillance all these years, I've actually helped facilitate the *opposite* of what I believe in.

Companies spend hundreds of millions of dollars - possibly billions - on marketing research, branding, achieving effective results, and creating a lasting impact. Yet, by studying my life - in extreme detail - these bigwigs have reaped infinite rewards. Also, my suspicions that Big Brother has been closely studying my behaviours and interactions, my socio-environmental concerns, my interest in cross-cultural communications, and my overall marketing verve is what makes me so certain that innovative corporate collusion - with a 'social marketing' edge - is becoming widespread in Canada. [2]

Both illegal surveillance of the masses and a high recruitment of moles have proven to be advantageous for both governments and major corporations. [3] Now, widespread digital technologies and corporate confederacy - on an international scale - are helping to achieve the totalitarian regime, which I keep railing about. Folks, I'm talking about rapid growth and partnerships, unlimited information access, and powerful corporate networks.

Talk about my being an inexpensive resource for marketing research! People often suggest that the government wouldn't waste so much time and money on someone, like myself. I'll tell you this much: their gains have far exceeded any costs.


---------

[1] Clearly, I'm no artist; I merely put elements together to help achieve an overall vision or goal.

[2] My theories about various governmental actions, corporate strategies, media manipulation, and the undermining of public power are repeatedly borne out in actual news events.

[3] This may sound totally whacked, but...I caused both CSIS and the FBI to: i) tighten up their 'security' measures, ii) increase their electronic surveillance of citizens, iii) help major corporations to co-operate more, and iv) get more creative in controlling the overall population. Besides being a freedom-lover, I wanted my privacy back - foolish me. Both my headstrong personality and my wish to create wide-scale change have also been pivotal factors in this astounding situation.

Eco-laundry

If you don't have laundry facilities, or you have lots of clothes that require handwashing, or you simply want to conserve water and electricity - this washer is for you:

Wonder Washer

Other alternative washers can be found here.

Get the Multipod

Here's a device that every activist or journalist should get. It's called the Multipod 5-in-1. Slightly bigger than a Bic lighter, this thing takes digital pictures, digital video, and audio recordings, plus it works as a webcam, and can also store computer files.

I'll eventually be creating a 'Links' page, with sub-topics focusing on activism, civil rights, privacy and security, countersurveillance, holistic health, transformative learning, and so on. Hopefully, people can educate and empower themselves, in order to stem what is now a huge and growing tide of social and political control.

------

My subversive style

Maybe overanalyzing my spy-novel dramas and various hijinx is counterproductive. My living in a constant state of rebellion, anger, and terror doesn't do anyone any good - it simply makes me miserable, paranoid, combative, reactive, and so on. Even if everything I've been saying may be true, and even if I appear to be under serious threat, there's no point in letting it consume me, right?

Still, people will think I'm a delusional freak or bored loner, with way too much time on my hands, unless I'm able to support my far-out claims and concerns. [1] So, today, I'll attempt to show how my subversive style may have proven useful to Big Brother, and hence, why I haven't been an ordinary subject or target for security bodies.

First, let's review a few causal factors in my surveillance:

1. I had first come to the attention of authorities through odd circumstances (ie, passport situation).
   
   
2. I believe my extreme ways, eclectic interests, and certain unusual incidents and encounters made me increasingly interesting and useful to intelligence agencies.
   
   
3. I also believe Big Brother's study of me - and their rapidly growing power - has reached such extremes partly because I'm not your typical 'activist.'
   
   
4. My prolonged emotional unwellness (especially anger), social isolation, confrontational style, my strong focus on race, gender, class, and orientation, and the fact that I often draw upon my private-sector work experiences, have made me both a trouble-maker and a social pariah - and hence, an interesting specimen for security types.
   

Jack of All Trades

To understand why I make some rather bold and unusual accusations about mainstream media, it helps to know more about my work experiences. I'll be posting some examples of my various marketing outreach ideas, proposals, and campaigns shortly.

But first, I need to clarify a few things about myself...

I'm a bit of an oddball, and somewhat eccentric (more so than I used to be). I'm also a mass of contradictions (which makes writing this weblog damn hard). For example, I tend to rebel against whatever social setting I find myself in: if I'm with activists, I think and act conservatively; if I'm in mainstream or conservative environments, my liberal self and progressive values come forward. Don't ask me why, but I seem to enjoy playing devil's advocate.

I often confuse both myself and others with my seeming inconsistencies. [2] One example can be seen in the environmental slogan, below. Based on these pictures, one may mistakenly think I'm artistic - but I'm not. [3] I've never been considered 'artistic,' and I have no talent in this area.

I do have a pretty wide-ranging employment history, if that counts for anything. This includes working for corporations, several years ago, as well as being employed by other large organizations, through part-time work or long-ago summer jobs. These bureaucratic experiences have greatly influenced my understanding of human politics, and they helped foster an interest in creating effective social and organizational change: it's all about implementation and overall sustainability.

Note: Don't all educated, middle-class folks aspire to get 'decent jobs,' working for major companies? Unfortunately, I've never been able to last very long in large organizations, myself. I'm not good at conforming to rules and structured environments, and I didn't understand *power politics* until the past few years.


Corporate Non-Conformist

I'm essentially a communicator, with a marketing bent. When I feel strongly about something and immerse myself in it, I can sometimes help problem-solve the situation, or create something new. But, alas, my creative marketing skills cannot be called upon at will. Being far too self-indulgent, I tend to promote the things I personally believe in. Unfortunately, most private sector employers do not share my interests or goals, and the non-profit sector often shuns me. [4]

I did give it my best shot, however. I worked for a couple of large corporations, over a span of about 3-1/2 years. That's not a long time, yet my corporate work experiences have strongly impacted my understanding of the world, economic forces, social causes, the environment, and so on. Despite being a mere cog in the corporate wheel, I nevertheless strived to be politically subversive within the mainstream.


Two Cooperate in Loving Earth

One of my key interests has always been learning how to mass-market social and environmental awareness. [5] The environmental slogan, below, created by my friend Gavin and myself, is one such effort.

It probably doesn't seem like much, but this environmental ad is actually designed around a company's corporate theme. Gavin came up with the brilliant play on words. I came up with the slogan. We collaborated on the visuals, except for the second one, which is my own (this one was done after, that's why it's not in colour). Although these are just crayon drawings, one ad was eventually done up for public use.

---------------------

[1] I'll eventually post a detailed backgrounder on how this whole surveillance situation came to be.

[2] It's important to understand differences among people, in order to create a peaceful and amicable co-existence. Sometimes, it gets right down to basics, like how one thinks. The whole left vs. right-brain thinking is definitely worth considering, when any miscommunications arise. I've also found both the Myers-Briggs personality tests and the Keirsey temperament tests helpful. Here's a quick overview.

Note: I used to circulate online personality quizzes widely to friends and family. But having discovered the predatory nature of Big Brother and their data-mining ways, plus their close focus on Torontonians, Canadians, ethnic communities, and so on, I now think people are better off not accessing information that may provide too many clues to one's psychological make-up.

[3] I don't have artistic talents or technical abilities, yet based on some of my sporadic efforts, people may suspect me of sidelining as a graphic designer, while claiming to be unemployed (or low-income, penniless, in debt). Believe me, I've worked with graphic designers: any skills I may have are at kindergarten level, while they are PhD material. It would take me forever just to complete one project!

[Edit: I probably sound like a tax-evader, or something; yet I was raised with a strong and honest work ethic. Thankfully, I have all my financial records, dating back to 2001. I burned my bank books for 1999 to 2000 - they were too depressing, plus I was moving. Prior to that I was in India for a year, Toronto for a year, Asia for four years, London Ontario for four years, and once upon a time... I'll be posting some pics of my adventures here.]

[4] The constant mismatch between my interests, skills, aptitudes, and so on, makes it hard to find suitable work. And talk about a contradictory personality - it's taken me until now to figure out why I can't just 'be like everybody else' (eg, finish courses, find a job and stick with it, settle down, etc, etc).

[5] My having a strong interest in effective outreach helps shed light on why my surveillance has evolved in such an unusual way. It also plays a role in my persistent claims that conservatives - both in Canada and the U.S. - are rapidly co-opting 'the Left' and eroding public power, by using creative, daring, and 'pseudo-progressive' means. I sense authorities have been studying and emulating the various community outreach strategies used by both myself and many others - both currently and historically.)

Scattered notes

I often say I'm 'checking my notes' to confirm certain details about my surveillance, yet it takes me a long time to follow up. There are several reasons for this:

1. My notes are all over the place, and they're often written on every conceivable scrap of paper you can imagine (see below);
   
   
2. The various notebooks and diaries I've kept are mostly taped up and sealed; and
   
   
3. I'm just plain disorganized.

Please be patient.

Here's one example of how my notes tend to be scattered all over the place, and why they're not easy for me to find:

(See those messy scrawls at the top?)

Today's post

I am so pumped. After attending some great events, I went to work and did a lot of surveys, which was good. (Today's survey topic was Toronto's airport, coincidentally enough. More info to come.)

Yet, I don't think being productive is what's got me going. I woke up today, wrote a few neurotic emails (gawd, when will I ever stop?), did my daily exercise; then, I went power-walking and felt pretty exhilarated. The good thing about having been a banquet server /waitress (at so many different places) is that I can now do walkathons - even in a bloody blizzard. I have a friend (one of my few), who travels by foot everywhere. It doesn't matter how far, how late, or what the weather is like, we do the biped shuffle, traversing downtown and beyond.

I think another factor in my upbeat, yet sad mood, today - if you can be both at once - has been reminiscing about the past. I was able to share a bit about my previous experiences with someone, and it made me realize how much I need to be in touch with people (even if they're going to be more intensely surveilled, as a result). Hey, I'm just a human being, with basic needs.

But I'm probably not going to have much of a social life, if I keep talking about growing political agendas that are happening on an epic-scale. Even people with the best of intentions can only take so much. I had already alienated most of my old or good friends, early on, with my seemingly paranoid claims of surveillance (most of my friends aren't activist-types, more like New-Agey). But I'm more coherent now, so some do realize that there's substance to what I've been saying, plus an overall consistency. Those who know me well have quietly accepted that 'something' is going on - everyone, that is, except for my mother, who persistently defends the goodness and guilelessness in others, in spite of their ready betrayals, and she still doubts my fantastical theories. Who wouldn't?

Still, I've watched so many treacherous people actively betraying those around them - even when lives are at stake, and in spite of the seeming closeness of their relationships - that it boggles the mind. And I have to wonder why I try so hard to let people know about it? It serves no purpose, other than to piss people off, hurt them, or make them wary. This makes ME the rat, lunatic, or freak (and a bitter one, at that). In the past year or so, I've really come to see a whole - new - world. It grieves me beyond belief. Yet, this is human existence.

Unfortunately, I can't be warm and smiling towards people, pretending like everything's normal. Yet, feeling sincere compassion or concern for others has also become painful and difficult for me - just as being constantly on-guard has killed my spontaneity. Not being believed, for such a long time, has definitely warped me.

People think I'm distorting the truth or hiding important details, yet: i) I'm struggling to counter people's deeply entrenched perceptions, stereotypes, and assumptions; ii) I share far more about myself than is necessary, and iii) I go to great lengths to build common understanding - too much so. I probably undervalue and disrespect myself in the process.

This post has gotten pretty heavy and serious, but I think I needed to address these issues. I met a wonderful facilitator once, who spoke about emotionally going into the dips and valleys, in order to get to the mountaintop. Looking back at all the incredible people, who have touched my life with their beauty and wisdom, it amazes me that I now find myself in such a bizarre and awful situation. Wow.

(I may not be checking my emails for awhile. I was probably reaching out to people too much, as a way to distract myself from my own healing.)

Small steps

To avoid being too specific, I often make insinuating comments, yet these don't come across well at all. I'm going to work on this personal shortcoming. And I do apologize to those who may feel affronted by my snideness.

Downing pills, or downing yourself?

Yesterday, I attended 'Your Drug May Be Your Problem.' This excellent and much-needed talk on psychiatric medications' role in both suicide and suicide attempts was presented by Angela Bischoff of Greenspiration.org, in collaboration with anti-psychiatry activist Don Weitz, and with visual media support by Kelly Reinhardt of BoilingFrog.ca. The session was both highly informative and uplifting.

As someone who's been through various psychiatric meds, and did experience some suicidal impulses, plus having one institution and various practitioners determined to label me delusional, I could relate to the material being presented.

Angela Bischoff's thoroughness and deep courage in exploring such a difficult topic is commendable: it was exactly what I've come to expect from this unique individual. Having lost her long-time partner, Tooker Gomberg (mirror site), to apparent suicide through psychiatric meds and seemingly outright negligence and irresponsible dosaging by the doctor, she has not sat back and allowed this unnecessary tragedy to go unquestioned. Being a truly committed activist, Angela is launching a national campaign to raise public awareness about the misinformation, over-medicating, and cover-ups being propagated by pharmaceutical companies.

RIGHT ON to Angela Bischoff for educating people about this little-known problem of suicide and suicidal reactions caused by anti-depressants (currently used by 40 to 50 million people worldwide), and also to Don Weitz and others for their similarly brave work. (See Weitz's tell-it-like-it-is book review on The Last Taboo: A Survival Guide to Mental Health in Canada, written by Scott Simmie.)

People: We need to be appreciating and supporting Canada's hard-working activists. If you don't have time to do much yourself, then for godsakes, make a donation or otherwise help promote the work of those, who are striving hard to do something for both people and this precious planet we live on. Too many bloated charities are pumping your 'feel-good' contributions into bureaucratic administration costs and self-promotion - not ACTION.

If you love Canada and believe in what Tooker Gomberg and Angela Bischoff have both stood for, and strived so hard to help realize, I strongly encourage you to send a donation to Greenspiration.org today.



More about Tooker Gomberg:

Tooker Gomberg was runner-up mayoral candidate in the 2000 Toronto Election (VoteToronto.ca). This, alone, is a testament to his integrity and high esteem within socio-environmental circles (see slideshow). While the incumbent Mayor Mel Lastman was already a household name, Tooker Gomberg was virtually unknown in the wider city, and he was somewhat lampooned by mainstream media - yet through the strength of his personal reputation, he managed to outpace 24 other candidates. Amazing.

Tooker Gomberg's profound commitment to the environment, people, and infinite causes and issues is without compare. Bottom-up, top-down, and inside-out, Tooker knew his stuff, and he always seemed to be putting himself on the line, for both this planet and its inhabitants. I doubt we will ever see another like him.

A sensitive environmentalist, with much creativity, humour, and heart, Tooker Gomberg was truly a cross-Canada activist, and a profound visionary. His passion and ideas seemed to transform the very people and places he connected with. May his spirit live on, and continue to inspire us all.

• Globalization Studies' tribute to Tooker Gomberg at University of Lethbridge.
  
  
• 'An Activist’s Life: Honouring the Legacy of Tooker Gomberg' by James Kosawan
  
  
• Activist Tooker Gomberg Dies
  
  
• Letter to CRTC in support of Star Ray TV (Star Ray TV news article).

More about delusions:

Bipolar World's definition of delusions. And I just had to post this excerpt:

In other cases, the delusion may be assumed to be false by doctor or psychiatrist assessing the belief, because it seems to be unlikely, bizarre or held with excessive conviction. Psychiatrists rarely have the time or resources to check the validity of a person’s claims leading to some true beliefs to be erroneously classified as delusional.[5] This is known as the Martha Mitchell effect, after the wife of the attorney general who alleged that illegal activity was taking place in the White House. At the time her claims were thought to be signs of mental illness, and only after the Watergate scandal broke was she proved right (and hence sane).

[Book reference from original webpage:

[5] Maher, B.A. (1988) Anomalous experience and delusional thinking: The logic of explanations. In T. Oltmanns and B. Maher (eds) Delusional Beliefs. New York: Wiley Interscience. ISBN 0471836354]

(I have removed this postscript to discuss, as one may wish. Took guts on my part.)

What you should know about your drugs

I totally forgot to post this schedule of video viewings and information talks in Toronto. (I was a little upset over the recent death of a family friend, which is both highly unlikely and medically questionable. Even a doctor at the funeral was in doubt. The family of the deceased are in utter shock. I have very specific reasons for thinking this was no freak health attack.)


Big Pharma and Suicide, plus 9-11 Videos

• - June 6 Your Drug May be Your Problem w/ Angela Bischoff
  
  
• - June 7 Activist Video - Authors: David Ray Griffin, Stephen Pelletier, Sr. Dianna Ortiz
  
  
• - June 10 Universal Premiere 'Reverend Billy vs. Zimmerman's Freshmart' (outdoor screening in the Market)
  
  
• - June 11 boilingfrog's re-location PARTY, from The Junction to ...

Your Drug May be Your Problem - What is the connection between antidepressant drugs and suicide?

2 events in remembrance of Tooker Gomberg - with Angela Bischoff, http://www.greenspiration.org

Thursday June 2, 2005, noon - 1 pm

St Michaels Hospital, Paul Marshall Lecture Theatre

Victoria St and Queen St E., enter on Queen, main floor

with guest: Dr. Joel Lexchin

Monday June 6, 2005, 7 - 10 pm

Woodsworth College Residence - 321 Bloor St W, rm 35 downstairs

SE corner, Bloor at St George

with guest Don Weitz, and screenings of two documentaries:

Selling Sickness: CBC Nature of Things, 2004
http://www.cbc.ca/natureofthings/show_sellingsickness.html

Little Helpers: CBC Fifth Estate, 2004
http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/archives03-04.html

For more info, email Angela at greenspi [at] web.ca

I trust the presenters of these talks for their knowledge, integrity, and commitment. For more details, please visit the sites below, or check Now Magazine:

www.greenspiration.com


www.boilingfrog.ca

(also see www.boilingfrogsblog.blogspot.com)
------------------------

Wish I Was a Geek - Part 1

(Written March 18, 2005 - posting now. Edited numerous times.)

In writing about electronic surveillance, or discussing computer stuff on here, I sense people focus on *me*, rather than the government. Like, maybe I've tried to hack into Security Headquarters, or have attempted to commit some fraudulent crime, and am somehow deserving of government threats and harassment.

Any reasonable person might wonder:

1) Why would I be the target of surveillance, if I haven’t planned or committed any crimes?

2) Maybe I’ve angered organized crime elements, or I’m a techno-wiz with dubious connections?


I can certainly see the government playing things off that way. It's not that hard - after all, I'm Asian. The joke is, most of my learning about security angles, surveillance, survival, and sheer inhumanity has been from my surveillers, though some has been through my survival adventures abroad. But the lion's share has definitely been through surveillance.

While people keep dying, or bad things seem to happen right on cue, Big Brother's many minions laugh at me for bringing other people down, in my desperate attempts to be heard, believed, and so on. But I'm not the one carrying out these dastardly deeds - I have no reason to.

In a typically chauvinistic way, these greedy buggers are gaining control and reaping all the benefits, while I get the blame for any misfortunes. It's kind of like blaming Eve for eating the apple, or cursing Pandora for opening the box of human plagues. Intellectual curiosity, independence, and political resistance in women is undervalued and often discouraged.

I was certainly wary of Big Brother back in 1997. This is when problems with my passport, combined with my odd behaviours, first attracted security attention. Yet, I naively thought: Go ahead, investigate me - I've done nothing wrong. (Uh, did I ever mention how brash and foolhardy I am?)

I later found myself reading an article about a Croatian-Canadian man, who helped raise millions to subsidize war in Bosnia. [1] My reaction was: What about him, for godsakes? No surveillance, no harassment. Why?

Meanwhile, having no shady connections to speak of, nor had I ever considered selling my passport, I nevertheless managed to be put under surveillance. [2]


Wake Up Call to Myself and Others

Still, I admit I've contributed to this ever-growing situation, and I see how it all came about. [3] Only someone as flaky, reactive, and extreme as myself could have escalated things to such a dire level. I try to see this whole unbelievable experience as being educational, on some level. But that doesn't make it acceptable: invading people's privacy, creating corporate collusion and monopolies, terrorizing or underhandedly killing people, and creating health hazards, crimes, and news stories to sway public opinion, is NOT RIGHT.

I've learned a great deal about how intelligence agencies view things. Regardless of one's innocence or lack of wrongdoing, one is treated as both a criminal and a potential threat - no matter what. Paranoia, cynicism, and a relentless desire to conquer and control are the natural mindset of security bodies. Those who threaten the status quo are either enemies or useful tools.

This is why peace activists need to understand the motivations for, and the mentality and mechanisms behind, WAR - without going over to the 'dark side,' as I seem to have done. Otherwise, people will always be at the mercy of authorities. Renowned U.S. General George S. Patton communicates the spirit of battle well. (Can't find the exact quote that helped me grasp my surveillance situation more clearly...)


Weirdos Are More Interesting

My problem is: I dislike being judged inaccurately. So, the more my surveillers acted like I was a criminal or evildoer, the more I'd explain myself in frustrated monologues to hidden 'eyes and ears' around me. This has fed an unbelievably negative cycle of harassment and abuse, as I've pretty much laid out my entire psychological landscape for authorities, plus some handy insights about the Canadian person of colour experience.

Yet, not only do they know me inside out, but I have reason to believe - as a result of studying someone so neurotic as myself, and my extreme interactions with others - they've learned to profile other people far more accurately, based on body language, what they say, how they say it, and so on. It's truly scary. (Note: They are also using many other means to study people's general behaviours and overall psyche.)

Intelligence agencies have always been doing these things, sure. Yet, I can point to four aspects of my behaviour and personal interests, which I believe have influenced security strategies for subverting public power and controlling dissent:

1. I often trigger extreme, primal, or instinctual reactions in people - no joke.
   


2. Having Borderline Personality tendencies, I constantly zoom in and out with my micro-macro, local-global analyses of the world. (This makes writing a coherent essay difficult, by the way.)


3. I tend to apply innovative approaches from the private sector to socio-environmental causes (eg, organizational learning).
   


4. I'm very out with my queerness, and I include queer issues in almost every aspect of social and environmental politics that I discuss.
   
   [Edit: In the CRTC letter, I didn't feel the need to state my orientation; but I have been happily *out* for many years.]
   

--------

[1] The Saturday Night article is excellent, yet not available online. Such comprehensive investigative journalism ought to be lauded and widely encouraged.

[2] I may sound like a 'wild child,' yet any offbeat characters I've met have only been in the past few years.

Note: Also, while I may seem hyper-political now, this isn't how I used to be. I truly believed that if people could find ways to make positive change *doable*, they would make different choices. How naive I was.

[3] Since 1998, I’ve become NERVOUS and UNBALANCED around money, sex, and power issues - basically, anything involving trust, self-worth, and so on. The chakra energy system makes sense to me. I felt my spiritual growth was blocked, so I was trying to explore this aspect of myself. Yet, I believe my root chakra became screwed up, following my trip through Vietnam, and after my stay in India. (See more chakra info.)

Various: 9-11, murders, movies

9-11 Peace Movement

Since I've recently been talking about the U.S. lately, you may also want to check out this 9-11 Peace Movement art contest, and even participate! Everyone is encouraged to enter.


Media Coincidences

I've suggested that mainstream media seems to be conspiring to create specific new trends of consciousness by presenting people and subjects in certain ways. (I know that's a very vague statement, but it will have to do.)

Well, with Karla Homolka and her current boyfriend, convicted killer Jean-Paul Gerbet, being in all the news lately, the showing of Gun Crazy (aka Deadly is the Female) on TVO this evening, which I happened to watch briefly, seems rather timely (see reviews).

While serendipity does happen, I don't think the scheduling of this movie was merely 'coincidental' on TVO's part. It's more likely an example of how a feature from the film library is specifically chosen, which mirrors current news sensations - in this case, the upcoming release of convicted serial sex killer Karla Homolka. The dialogue and psychological tensions in Gun Crazy are so hauntingly realistic ('I don't know why - but we go together like a gun and ammunition, baby') in exploring the dark side of sexual passion. One may well imagine the whole Paul Bernardo-Karla Homolka killing-fest having gone on in a similar fashion.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?

Well, what I find more intriguing is how similarly and tabloid-like both The National Post and The Toronto Sun have presented the about-to-be-released Homolka and lover Gerbet. [1] I can't find the coverpage story and photo I saw the other day, but The National Post showed a large photo of Karla Homolka lying on her prison bed, smiling, with bright red lipstick and a come-hither look. The Sun's, 'Meet Karla's Killer Lover,' had a very swanky photo of Jean-Paul Gerbet with a shaved head, wearing a sharp-looking suit. Both newscovers had a kind of fashionista, high glamour appeal to them, as did the corresponding headlines.

Am I merely imagining the revivalism of cool with the whole shaved-head look, which is strangely reminiscent of both skinheads and holocaust victims?

Funny how shaved head folks are popping into my life at every turn. Also, see this recent email dialogue among my relatives.


Here's an interesting scoop on Natalie Portman's new do - she apparently had her long locks shaved on live TV in Berlin. This naturally sparked many references to neo-nazism, S&M, and lesbianism.

'Natalie Portman still shaved'

'Natalie Portman Shaves'

Natalie Portman Arrives at Cannes Premiere with a Shaved Head


I found both Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith and Kingdom of Heaven share some similar motifs.* And, like Portman's real-life buzz-cut, the female lead in Kingdom of Heaven shorns her hair in a dramatic moment. Both are excellent films worth seeing. They're the only movies I've seen in awhile, mind you, but I was struck by the compelling epic scale, powerful visuals, deep emotions, and overall choreography. The Star Wars series will always be a classic. In particular, the self-empowering and positive reclaiming of historical identity is important and quite inspiring.


Mr. & Mrs. Smith*

By the way, folks, you read it here first. I questioned (rather harshly, I admit) the break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston in January, sensing that there was more to the story. Have you seen the movie previews for Mr. & Mrs. Smith?* Interesting that the 'new couple' - that is, Brad Pitt and Anglina Jolie - are now starring in a *spy flick* together (see reviews).

Remember how I made allusions to spy work and media's ways of moving the masses in this post? Jolie now claims to have no romantic interest in Pitt, whatsoever: they are simply 'good friends.'

I had also highlighted the fact that Jennifer Aniston apparently 'filed for divorce immediately,' yet never called a divorce lawyer. (It was mentioned on a TV entertainment news programme.) Overall, I'd say this turn of events makes for a pretty good publicity stunt, allowing Pitt and Aniston to happily resume their relationship (eventually), with no hard feelings all around. But who knows...?


*One adult movie ticket is $4.25 at Rainbow Cinemas. I'd like to point out my reasons for going out to the theatre, several times a year: 1) Spending time with my mother; and 2) doing something relatively 'mainstream.' Yet, I also spot future political trends, while viewing more exploits from my life on the big screen, so it's not exactly relaxing.


PS - I may often get into detailed political analysis, but I'm a lousy politician, myself - although I'm learning. Everything I say, do, or have undertaken is a testament to this fact: I have few allies, I never 'gain the upper hand,' nor is my reputation smooth and polished.

----------

[1] It's no secret that The Toronto Sun is actually a conservative-leaning newspaper written in an accessible style mostly for working-class folks. I can post various analyses to confirm this perception later, though who knows exactly when.

Just more family spam

Weird spam and fun for the whole family!

(Note: I've replaced names with random initials.)

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005
Subject: Re: trash email

Mine were returned emails too. They were mainly strange addresses with maybe one line of message in german.

I understand R and N are going to K's place tomorrow too. We are picking up R. So see you there.

-----------------------------


I have not received any german email at Sympatico and Yahoo. But I received 5 of them over the last few days at usa.net. I have not even corresponded with anyone at that id during that period.

Lets hope it is only a nuisance and not destroying anything.

B.


Subject: RE: sober worm
Date: Thu, 19 May 2005 20:26:49 -0400

I did receive some message with a German subject. I don’t know who was the sender. It just came back to me as if I sent [it] with all the weird addresses on it as recipients which have been blocked to receive that message. And all those recipients all have a govt. address.

Weird.

I never sent that message.



-----Original Message-----
Sent: May 18, 2005 10:33 PM
Subject: Re: sober worm



S, I don't think the message is really from you. I believe it is the sender who uses other people's addresses. Don't worry. I simply delete them when I see the German script. I did not expect German messages from you.

-H


XX wrote:

Hmmm, sorry about that. I'm usually pretty good about checking for virus' ,
spyware. I don't usually open unknown emails either. Wonder where I got it
from.

But I'm not receiving german spam....


>Subject: Re: sober worm
>Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 08:50:14 -0400 (EDT)
>
>I simply delete them. I have received a total of about 50 of them in 4
>days.
>
>H.
>
>
>XXX wrote:
>
>Yes, i have also been receiving lots of german garbage email. please do be
>careful who we include on family email postings. how do i get rid of this
>worm?
>
>TTT wrote: I just received a German message
>from S's e-mail address. I have been receiving loads of German
>messages for the past 5 days. It is the Sober worm. I wonder if it is
>brought on by [XX's] e-mail.
>

These email exchanges occurred shortly after I had mentioned government harassment and racism in a recent therapy session. None of the messages above are from me, plus I hadn't accessed my messages for awhile. I myself did not receive any of the German email spam mentioned. I do, however, have a crank call from a man shouting in German, which dates back to 2001, prior to the 9-11 attacks. However, this call was received at my friend's place.

I've been politically-inept and reactive for a number of years - all the more amplified, with the seeming life-threatening harassment that I and others appear to be experiencing - but I was never publicly so, until 2003. Most of my emails (1999 to 2003) were calls for community and co-operative action. However, since returning from India in 1999, where I had interned with a co-operative organization, I have often been challenging people's conceptions of democracy and participation. I come on a bit strong.

So, yes, I do regularly push people's buttons and raise difficult issues - both in emails and in person - but my more confrontational panic modes only began in the last two years. Yet, clear instances of phone clicking and other anomalies started in 1998 - long before I moved to my current place. My own note-taking about strange activities began in 1998, shortly after I was threatened with an RCMP investigation, presumably on suspicion of trying to procure an extra passport.

I suspect if I try to make this connection in future, Ottawa's security office will claim they have no active files on me. I'll post some of my usual insubstantial proof to back up this wildly psychic notion later.

Inclusively open-minded?

Two themes have been springing up in the Conservatives' camp, these past few weeks. During the media's ramp-up of the Liberal Party's sponsorship scandal and a strong push for a federal election, 'integrity' and 'inclusivity' are two buzzwords that have been used by both Conservative party leader Stephen Harper and deputy leader Peter MacKay, for the past month or so.

Now, I don't mean to be negative or cynical, yet I am fairly certain these are not words and angles used by the Conservatives in the past 100 years or so. Yet, the 'New Politics' for conservatives on both sides of the border, as I see it (ie, post-2003), is steadily and unpredictably co-opting what has been the traditional territory of leftists, socialists, and progressives. It is a bold and creative move. And let's face it, conservative parties and politicians generally have the financial resources to implement and market any propaganda or image they wish to.

Since I'm on this hot new topic of 'inclusivity,' I'd like to clarify that the whole queer identity and promiscuity thing has not been a factor in my surveillance or harassment. Other than making the authorities more curious about me, sexuality and sordid tales have not been the cause of my persecution, because there is nothing to tell.

I sometimes overemphasize certain things on here, out of my concern for and wish to include others. But I myself have not done or written anything extremely kinky, either on dating websites and the like, or in person. I have simply sought other open-minded, eclectic, hopefully well-travelled, kindred spirits to link up with - basically, friendship first, and anything else is a bonus.

I am queer; I am open-minded; and I am free-spirited. But my sexual experimentation has been pretty tame, thus far. And no, I've never been an escort or anything, but I believe in solidarity with sex workers, as with any social group, so long as people or the system are not being abused.

In fact, to my utter dismay, I've been celibate for a couple of years now. I could blame this on my failing looks and anti-social behaviours, but I think there's more to it. After I had returned from India, my trust issues became increasingly pronounced. Then, the trauma and betrayal of widespread moledom took me to an unimaginable level of paranoia and deep distrust, which I hope very few people may ever have to endure in their lives. [1]

These are not the demented ruminations of an oversensitive, and perhaps mentally unsound, person - they are the real and morbid fears of one who knows that surveillance is a nasty business. It is usually carried out by political and business elites, or by private individuals. Yet, since my growing list of incidents are so unbelievably pervasive, it clearly cannot be the work of a single individual, nor even a large organization. Such unusual corporate and security trends, combined with strategic threats to life, can only mean that major political agendas are afoot. But this is just my own not-so-humble view of things.

----------

[1] Most activists or alternative types will have moles in their midst, anyway. Yet, I actually have long-time acquaintances, who have been co-opted.

Elder Bush would like son Jeb to run for president - Yahoo! News

Elder Bush would like son Jeb to run for president - Yahoo! News

Underdog's glory days are long gone

Proving my surveillance is like taking one step forward and ten steps back. Arrghh! Just last night, my mother said to me, 'everybody gets hang-up calls - it happens all the time.' For godsakes, I know that. If people are going to second-guess even my most basic evidence - that is, the constant weird phone calls I still receive - I'm literally gonna go crazy.

All I know is: major things are going on; I'm being threatened; and others are seriously at risk. Yet, when one lacks credibility - as I do - it's impossible to say or do anything about anything. (Correction: Something can be done.)

Too bad, I didn't have a recorder back in 2001. I could've taped some of the *crazy* Hollywood-movie-type encounters I've had with people. Now that I do actually have an audio recorder, I can see how and why intelligence agencies appear to have benefitted from their close study of my overanxious self, and my outspoken ways. (All of this goes beyond your wildest dreams.)

Despite my new gadgets (ie, camera, recorder), connecting all the dots remains a challenge. [1] What I need people to do is to step 'outside the box' with me, in order to better grasp the situation. I've been called an innovative person before, and my strategies for coping with surveillance have been somewhat inventive. Yet, to credibly describe how my surveillers have reaped countless benefits from my oppression, my inflammatory ways, my dismal employment experiences, and others' disbelief in me, would take forever.

Well, now that I've got all that off my chest, let's dive right in...


Fine-Tuning the Capitalist System - Part 1

(I haven't gotten to my discussion on water yet, but this is a start.)

In February, I happened to watch American Justice: The Erin Brockovich Story on TV. [2] Being suspicious, paranoid me - a response largely developed through the relentless surveillance and harassment I've been experiencing for four years now - I immediately wondered WHY this program was being aired. [3] Then, a few days later, surprise! U.S. President George W. Bush announces a new bill, which limits class-action lawsuits against companies. Unbelievable as it may seem, this makes corporations even less culpable now.

Where does this leave public accountability?

Perhaps the Bush administration was watching and waiting on the results of Canada's Walkerton water case to gauge public responses in Canada. The trial had ended just two months before, in late December 2004, and a very light sententence had been passed.

[Edit: To avoid writing too long a post, I did not comment on the Walkerton water case. Yet, it's pretty clear the Canadian government neatly sidestepped its role and responsibility in this disaster. Other thoughts to come...]

Actually, the U.S. feds probably knew how minor Canada's punishment would be for such an unnecessary tragedy, which killed seven people and caused sickness for more than 2000 residents in Walkerton, Ontario. [4][5]

The new U.S. bill blocking class-action lawsuits may not prove my 'surveillance theories.' But please just bear in mind the overall context of my concerns: I believe corporate monopolies are rapidly being strengthened, as a result of illegal government surveillance tactics, and unprecedented co-operation among major corporations is currently underway - particularly in the IT (information technology), digital media, food/agriculture, and other major industries. I believe such invasive surveillance and research is taking place in Toronto - and across Canada - on a scale that few people would ever possibly believe.

The new bill being implemented by the U.S. government is consistent with concerns I had expressed in this post about growing totalitarianism.

• Bush Signs Bill Curbing Lawsuits - Fox News, Feb. 20, 2005.
  
  
• 'Bush signs limits on class actions' - MSNBC News, Feb. 18, 2005.
  
  
• Bush Signs Bill to Curb Class-Action Suits - NewsMax.com Wires, Feb. 19, 2005.
  
  
• 'Bush Signs Bill to Curb Class-Action Suits' - ABCNews.com, Feb. 19, 2005.

For a more technical, yet left-leaning explanation about the anti-class action bill, please see:

'Bush signs bipartisan bill to curb class action lawsuits' - World Socialist Web Site, Feb. 22, 2005.


It seems, to me, both the wealthy and the powerful are being protected, in more ways than one. According to iWon News, 'President Bush brought another new law into force last month, by setting tough penalties of up to 10 years in prison for anyone caught distributing a movie or song prior to its commercial release.'

Tsk, tsk for those who believe in affordable art and entertainment. Never mind the health and lives of those who are knowingly subjected to various forms of industrial pollution, chemical side effects, and the like.

(By the way, my neighbour downstair's door just slammed heavily, as I was adding the above paragraph. Paranoia? Perhaps. But I can show, later, that this person has clearly been harassing me for two long years, without due cause. While I may bare my teeth at others, except for two brief responses from me - which another neighbour fully applauded, before finally moving out in frustration from the music and noise - I have never given this person reason to perpetually harrass me.)

Entertainment is the grandest illusion of them all. Average consumers pay a good portion of their earnings on entertainment products. This leaves them disempowered and dependent on media, as well as being susceptible to any propaganda they may inevitably bring.

'Feds Shut Web Site in Piracy Crackdown' - iWon News, May 25, 2005.

The timing of this media piracy crackdown is interesting. The article indicates authorities had prior knowledge and evidence, yet they chose to shut down the site and arrest the webmasters, after the Star Wars sequel was released, and massive downloading was well underway.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is an amazing film, by the way. Definitely worth seeing. I'm a Star Wars fan, yet nothing could compare with the incredible fandom of a friend from my former school programme.


I STRONGLY RECOMMEND SEEING American Justice: The Erin Brockovich Story.


-----------

[1] I'll eventually post a complete list of both my 'Basic Activist Survival Kit' and my 'Digital Gear Guide for Activists.' Neither one will be comprehensive: they will simply specify what I personally use for survival and self-defense.

[2] Although the ANDERSON v PACIFIC GAS & ELECTRIC case took place just ten or so years ago, I can assure you that with today's sophisticated technology and insidiously widespread surveillance, such a successful crusade as Erin Brockovich and Ed Masry's is never likely to happen again - unless it is deliberately contrived. Expect many of the latter to surface in the news.

[3] I was unsurprised to discover The Erin Brockovich Story documentary is several years old, which means the recent February 2005 airing was not part of American Justice's regular season schedule.

[4] I'm certainly no fan of jail sentences, as being a cure-all for society's many complex problems. In May 2000, I participated in the International Penal Abolition conference at Ryerson University. Compared to expensive U.S.-backed super-jails, like those we now have in Ontario, the concept of 'healing or transformative justice' takes a broader approach. Healing justice does not absolve governments of responsibility, nor does it minimize the impacts upon victims and communities - instead, it focuses on rehabilitation. Wrong-doers are taken to task at a deep personal level. Perpetrators can then see how much they have either wronged others or transgressed society - and hopefully, will reform. This also allows victims more personal closure.

(Note: I participated in an anti-police brutality protest march, during the ICOPA conference. In retrospect, I now believe several people I had met 'by chance' are probably government moles or plants.)


[5] More articles on the Walkerton water disaster:

Deadly E.coli in Ontario - About.com Canada Online, May 31, 2000,

'Walkerton water tragedy' - The Globe and Mail, Oct. 18, 2004.

Mass media equals massive concerns

If anyone's still reading this weblog, thank you for sticking with it. I'm downright weary from all this constant proving, and things aren't great right now. I'm also at a major crossroads, and I can barely think straight.

On a personal level, I have to deal with all-encompassing surveillance and harassment - while trying to take notes, get organized, compensate for my ADD, find and keep a job, acquire digital tools, deal with debts, stay healthy, and so on. The incidents I've mentioned on here hardly convey how insidious the surveillance actually is. Trust me, you'd be utterly shocked, if you knew.


Weblog Challenges

In writing this weblog, I also have various challenges to contend with:

1. 1. Occasional problems accessing internet through my provider;
   
   
2. 2. Repeated difficulties using specific websites (Blogger.com, Yahoo.com) - both at my place and at my mother's;
   
   
3. 3. Weblog not appearing properly in certain browsers (eg, Internet Explorer);
   
   
4. 4. Tampering of this weblog (I just glanced through several past posts and found typos and grammatical errors that I'm sure I didn't make - I may be responsible for most of them, but definitely not all);
   
   
5. 5. My efforts to create an alternate website have been repeatedly blocked;
   
   
6. 6. Trying to organize broad information and present it credibly is difficult;
   
   
7. 7. Challenging people's deeply-held beliefs about society and how it functions, plus trying to describe what the heck is going on, is hell!

Note: I actually believe the respective companies, themselves, are responsible for items #1 to #3. By linking my surveillance to growing digital monopolies and global agendas for control, I may have brought on the corporate heavies, who knows? I strongly suspect the government is behind items #4 and #5. Items #6 and #7 are my own self-imposed struggles.

Problems accessing Blogger.com.

Not always the same types of access problems.

Stuck inside my own weblog, unable to navigate.

Similar problems with my Yahoo! email accounts, since
last October, at both my place and my mother's place.

(more examples to come)


Basically, keeping up with the constant phenomena is challenging enough - never mind trying to make sense of it all, or write about it coherently, while also trying to improve my interpersonal relationships and deal with emotional baggage.

Another dilemma I'm having is interviewing for jobs that run counter to everything I've been advocating for. [1]


More Neurotic Clarifications

I realize my neurotic, long-winded explanations are annoying, but overcoming people's judgements or inaccurate perceptions is necessary, before I can present some of my wild 'n' crazy surveillance theories. Eventually, though, I think many people will find that I've been a lot closer to the truth on various issues than most dare imagine.

It may seem like I enjoy raining on other people's parades, but, while there may be some truth in that, my main problem is: I have no way of proving certain social and political events, people, organizations, and overall patterns are linked, so I always end up looking like the Evil One. People need to question shifting social and political trends, as well as challenge their most basic assumptions about everyday realities. I can't always connect the dots here.


Unity in Diversity

To the person I recently apologized to in a recent post, I also want to say that in no way do I underestimate your talents, skills, and vision. You are a great inspiration to me, and have been for many years. I am a big fan of your work, and have even passed out flyers, or directed people to your website, out of sheer enthusiasm.

Nevertheless, there are real barriers in our society. When I wrote to you, back in 2003, I sensed that your deserved credit was being sidelined by subtle sexism in your profession, as well as through media politics. Yet, being a talented person with a unique vision, you've clearly prevailed, and you continue to build a loyal following. I, for one, am grateful that you've helped to create much-needed spaces and experiences for those who seek something different. THAT'S AWESOME!!!

Clearly, your successes have little to do with Big Brother. What you have achieved has been deservedly through your own efforts. Yet, that doesn't mean Big Bro isn't insidiously involved, eavesdropping, posing, working the scene, and so on.

Still, I'm sorry, if I undercut you. I've got a sh*tload of stress going on. Constant harassment, psychopathic threats, and downright cruelty, while bearing witness to growing injustices and unnecessary tragedies ain't no joyride. People are being harmed, and the public is being seriously co-opted. While I do see some 'sense' in it all, I personally don't believe mind control and death-dealing are necessary or justified, nor do I condone such things.

To understand the overall picture, one needs to look at history and appreciate how empires are built. The huge fanfare around Pope John Paul II's recent passing, the media's reinvigoration of Catholicism worldwide, and the installation of the new pope, Benedict XVI, for example, are not solely about public sympathy and religious interest, or even selling media and maximizing profits. [2] There's probably more to it.

I've thought about the decimation of Native peoples, as well as the history of slavery in North America. For better or for worse, such subjugation helped to create the society that we live in today. The fact is, Canadian civil rights and social equality - both of which are supposedly upheld by law - only came to pass in recent decades, starting from the 1960s onward. Given this overall context, I don't think my 'crazy' notions about deadly surveillance and political control are all that unlikely.


Nabbing the Youth Market

Speaking of mass media and conservative backings, have you checked out Dose, the new, free magazine aimed at youths? Have you also seen Dose's splashy, expensive transit ads?

Hmm. In my New Surveillance worldview, this open letter from Thunderbird's editors plays like yet another good-cop / bad-cop maneuver cleverly intended to generate media attention, and help foster both controversy and social polarizations. Frankly, I think Canada is being worked over by American media strategists with far more speed and finesse than most of us can even conceive.

Also, has anyone noticed the resurging media interest in, and frequent references to, World War II and Adolph Hitler?

I can't keep up with all the media news, but many stories, and particularly how they're being presented, seem to closely correspond with concerns I've been trying to raise on here, and the various angles I'm attempting to explore. Personally, I feel that what's happening to Canada - propaganda-wise - parallels totalitarian control tactics used in former Nazi Germany. The awful thing is: No one knows it's happening, because everything seems so normal and wonderful.


Off The Cuff

Check this out: "CBS Cancels Dan Rather's '60 Minutes'"

Last summer, I started worrying about the continuation of 60 Minutes and the fate of investigative journalism in the U.S., after they aired the story, 'Doing Business with the Enemy.' [3] Likewise, I became concerned about Canada's counterSpin TV program, which was probably one of Canada's last, free-thinking, national news programs. After watching a segment debating Canada-U.S. relations, in light of the war on Iraq, back in September 2003 (??), I circulated one of my unwelcome email rants. Three months later, the show got canned.

However much people may see me as a 'sensationalist,' my concerns and predictions are often on the mark. I may err on certain details, yet overall, democracy and freedom are being cut-back and re-moulded into a new model of control. Unfortunately, everything may appear to be progressive and feel-good.

Multicultural or alternative music concerts at Toronto's waterside entertainment complexes are a good start. For example, I immediately became suspicious about the ReggaeFest concert that got bungled last year. Sure enough, certain key players pulled a Good Cop / Bad Cop routine, while leaving others to take the blame, or to fight amongst themselves. The concert also experienced the same types of 'electrical failures,' which conveniently took place on the last day of the Citizens' Inquiry into 9-11 (the only day I attended). Now, with the growing number of mega-entertainment parties and planning developments shaping up along Front Street, I can see why that major reggae music concert was set to self-destruct in such a majorly disappointing way.


------------

[1] My employment efforts are still being tampered with by the government. I'll explain how and why, later.

[2] Articles above describe Pope John Paul II's public face. Yet, obviously, there's more to both the pope and the papacy.

[3] See 'Shifting Focus: Churchill vs. Cheney' (Feb. 23/05).

Freaking inside out

Omigod. Rereading my post, 'Being believed,' it almost sounds like I have repressed desire for this particular receptionist. Not true! There was someone, who used to be at that office, whom I had the hots for, but it wasn't this person. (Note: I've since edited the post.)

I admit that I'm quite the stereotypical bisexual (hey, Anything That Moves). But it's also true to say that, during these past few years of emotional unwellness, I've been seriously unable to control my sexual energies.[1] I'd give off 'mixed messages' or flirt with everybody and anybody - no matter how inappropriate it was (eg, married people, relatives, folks over 80, etc). This has frustrated me beyond belief. Yet, the harder I tried to curb these tendencies, the worse it would get. Meanwhile, people I've actively pursued, or shown interest in, tend to reject me in a big way. Such is life.

-------

[1] My claiming psychological or emotional unwellness is probably like saying, I have a bellybutton. At some point, I started to realize most people are just as f*cked-up as I am, but they either hide it better, or perhaps, they don't pick at their wounds the way I do.

Email spying and internet tampering

Some readings on digital surveillance at work:

1. 'Is your boss monitoring your e-mail' - MSN News, May 18, 2005
   
   
2. 'Big boss is watching' - MSN News, Sept. 24, 2004

Below are a few personal examples of what I mean by internet and computer tampering:

Recently, I posted a screenshot of my Yahoo! email account not functioning properly.[1] Using Hello.com, I uploaded this file and typed in a brief caption: 'y' for Yahoo. But as the image started to transfer, the letters 'e p' magically appeared, so the caption became 'yep.' (Also, see this post.)

I didn't bother doing a web capture of all this. It's just one of many petty anomalies that have occurred, particularly during the past eight months or so. Also, trying to prove and explain such computer glitches to others is frustratingly difficult, time-consuming, and a sure way to invite rejection and disdain.[2]

The fact is, using both the internet and 'Remote Assistance,' it is possible for someone else to view your computer screen, explore your files, control your mouse and keyboard, and so on. I also heard computers can be accessed, even when they're turned off.

Disabling Remote Assistance on the computer's operating system(eg, Microsoft XP) doesn't seem to do much. I switched this feature off, on both my computer and my mother's computer, yet odd incidents continue to happen. It's like being stalked: so much data can be accessed, and one's entire personality can be closely studied, both through one's computer files and internet surfing habits.

Another recent example of the computer having a mind of its own occurred in early May. I had called Sympatico to find out why internet access at my mother's place is so slow. (My mother's computer also became painfully sluggish in February of this year, yet computer performance shouldn't affect internet speed.) Anyway, this lengthy call turned into a 2-hour probe, as I posed questions to the Sympatico reps, who had been *randomly* assigned to my call. Digital security, growing co-operation between major companies in the computer technology field, and Bell Canada and Sympatico's new corporate direction, were a few of the topics discussed.

After hanging up, I noticed that the date on the computer had suddenly been fast-forwarded to May 31, 2005 (the call took place on May 1, or so, checking date...). Having used the computer for several days, and having checked the date on that very day (as I often do, because I never know what date it is), I know that it was set correctly, up until I made this particular call to Sympatico / Bell. [3]


Security: Learning In The Real World

Many people have questioned, and rightly so, why the government would bother to play such silly games, or waste their precious time and resources on little ol' me. I've often wondered that myself, believe me.

Yet, the fact of the matter is, supposed 'security measures' do not happen in a vaccuum - real-life people and actual scenarios provide intelligence agencies with prime opportunities to fine-tune their social control tactics. I am just one of many useful targets for the powers-that-be.

While this may sound egocentric, I believe that, collectively, I and those whom I often vibe with have proven to be a superb case study for Big Brother. To my great despair, this has facilitated an unprecedented level of privacy invasion, corporate collusion, and totalitarian control on a global scale.

Just remember this: In a wired world, digital conveniences don't only serve their end-users. The single, most far-reaching consumer product that is undoing public power, democracy, privacy rights, and grassroots autonomy is: the cellphone.


(Ironically, I don't even use a cellphone, although I'm considering doing so, as I go techno-crazy with gadgets to help me keep track of everything.)

-------------

[1] Yahoo! is considered one of the most reliable websites on the internet. Yet, I've had repeated anomalies with all of my Yahoo! email accounts, ever since I switched over from Mail.com last year. Difficulties in navigating my Yahoo! account only seem to happen at my place, or my mother's place - never at the library, cybercafes, school, or any other public terminals.

[2] One quirky and frustrating email incident took place on a queer health listserv I used to subscribe to. I wrote an email message to follow-up on my application to volunteer with a certain organization. It was clear from what I wrote that the person had clearly overlooked or ignored my original application and quite some time had passed. After I copied and pasted in the recipient's email address, I hit 'Send,' but somehow, the group list's email address suddenly reappeared, and this message got distributed to the entire listserv, making me look like I was publicly complaining or exposing this person. I suspect that no one on the list believed I had posted this email 'by accident,' since I already had a reputation for being a rabble-rouser. Yet, I definitely did not intend to do so. I ended up unsubscribing from this listserv, shortly thereafter.

Note: I do realize email and internet glitches happen. Yet, I have far more of them than your average computer user. These incidents are well-timed, and they often seem deliberate and strategic. They are also not isolated events: I usually have a host of other weird problems and strange encounters happening around the same time. While it may be convenient to dismiss my suspicions as mere delusions, I think there's more to it.

[3] May 31 is a significant date, for several reasons. I'll be posting more about this shortly.

More to this than meets the eye

'I spy, with my little eye...'

Note: There's more I could say about this picture, but you'll have to wait.


More to come on the food and water angles...

Being believed

Right now, I'm tired and feeling frustrated by people's disbelief. I'm probably being too harsh and demanding on both myself and others. For example, in my April 13 post, I made such a big to-do about one short sentence, which I had added to an earlier weblog entry. I sensed that inserting this comment might have rubbed someone, whom I greatly admire, the wrong way. I have a terrible habit of hammering points home - when I get the chance - since I have zero credibility, at the moment. Unfortunately, I can be insensitive as hell in doing so.


Getting the Boot

I also wasn't in the best of moods that week, when I wrote my apology post and made that pompous call for solidarity. On Monday, April 11, yet another of my counsellors and I parted ways, after a year and two months of counselling. This was my family doctor; they insisted that I'm just too much stress to deal with, and that I simply don't want to get better. [1]

What seemed to prompt my doctor's decision is that the previous week, one of the receptionists (who had joined the office a few months after I started going for counselling there) had reported me for taking my digital camera out, and supposedly taking pictures, while standing in line. Now, there were other people in front of me, and I was pretty far back from the counter, plus I had only switched on my camera for half a minute - yet, the moment I did so, this receptionist got up and left her seat. (And yes, I do think this receptionist is a mole.) Then, based on this receptionist's say-so, my doctor came down hard on me for purportedly taking pictures of people. [2]

When confronted by my doctor, I calmly responded with these comments and questions:

1. Why do you automatically assume the receptionist is right? You didn't even ask me if I had taken any pictures.
   
   
2. Why does the receptionist *think* I had taken pictures of her?
   
   
3. Why didn't the receptionist ask me to turn off the camera, herself, if it was a big problem? That would've been the mature and professional thing to do.
   
   

This receptionist instantly assumed I was photographing her and, in a big huff, she went off to tell the doctor. [3] I'd say that was paranoid and reactionary behaviour, on her part. I've been nothing but polite to the staff in this office. We're not talking about a psychiatric centre here, folks. I was standing in a large medical clinic, in the heart of downtown Toronto's hospital district. Checking out my new digital camera is hardly cause for alarm.


Cornered Like a Rat

Two days later, as I was leaving my apartment to speak to my landlord about my bounced rent cheque, I found cat shit on my doormat. [4] I had called him the night before to arrange for an appointment.

After talking to the landlord (property manager), I went back to my apartment to get my coat, so I could go to the bank to ask about the NSF (non-sufficient funds) charge to my account.

As I headed back downstairs, I noticed a City of Toronto box, sitting outside my neighbour's apartment. (This is the same neighbour, who owns the cat that apparently sh*t on my doorstep.) The fact that I had taken a picture of the container, at that precise moment, suggests I was expecting further problems and mishaps of a greater magnitude. [5] I may have guessed right, as you'll see, below.

What's relevant about a City of Toronto container?

I had recently figured out, indirectly, that I hadn't made it onto a community taskforce committee, which I had applied to in March. As some of you may know, I've been pretty outspoken about this particular municipal initiative. Since there have been other well-timed incidents in my building that coincided with my activities and efforts in this community group, I figured the sudden appearance of this recycling bin was relevant.

I've also never seen a City of Toronto recycling bin for organic matter in, or near, the building before. This box is clearly not meant for apartments, and it is not the property of this building.

This recycle bin was only there for that one day. The fact that it was placed exactly where I glance, whenever I pass by that floor, seemed odd to me. (Note: I usually look at that apartment door, because that's where my neighbour - who has driven several tenants out with their extreme noise - lives.)

Anyway, as I exited the building, a truck arrived, which proceeded to block me in. I was literally trapped in this alleyway, with people on three sides of me: the guy from the trucking company, my landlord (who had come out to watch the garbage being hauled away), and two people (presumably tenants) standing at the far end of the alley.

I had noticed the latter two, when I first stepped outside. They appeared to be sharing a hilarious joke. As I wondered at their mirth, I suddenly realized this hauling truck was barricading my only way out. Startled, I looked around and saw the back gate was locked. When I glanced, a second time, these two people had crossed the alley, and tried to hide themselves behind a protruding wall, perhaps to avoid my tiny camera's gaze (?).

This *alleyway ambush* is just one of many adventures I had that week. Heaps of other stuff happened, too, like: a) my getting the heave-ho by my doctor; b) being unable to access my weblog for two days, while desperately seeking alternate means; c) my 'dead' phone line, and so on.

The following week was equally colourful: there was the unexpected visit by two Jehovah's Witnesses, the strange actions of two new Field to Table drivers; other phone and internet stuff, and so on.

Disempowered Blog

I was literally stuck inside my weblog - I couldn't even log-out. [6]

Friendly 'Witnesses'

(recording to come)

Media with a Message

Watching the man, who was loading trash onto the truck, I asked him, 'Do you work for the City?' His odd responses merely reinforced my suspicions. When I pulled out my camera, for example, he immediately said, in a droll tone: 'You know, it's illegal to take pictures of people without their permission, eh, sweetheart.'

Kindly recall that my run-in with the medical receptionist took place just two days before.

Also, is this how the average truckloader would respond to such questions? He assumed an immediate threat and started pointing out legal issues. Plus, his taunting voice was more like: Who's watching who, baby.

When I asked, if this truck had been dispatched by the City, he was evasive. Finally, he said, 'It's a company.' Yet, he refused to tell me the name. Instead, he directed me to 'the other guy,' that is, the truck's driver. When I asked this second man what company the truck belongs to, he gruffly replied, 'It's a private company,' with a clear emphasis on the word 'private.'

(Private? Privacy? Personal rights? ...Oh yeah, I remember those things.)

Eventually, the truck backed out to leave, and I emerged from the alleyway, taking two pictures of the departing vehicle. The driver of the truck gave me the finger. The first man, who had been loading the garbage, left in a blue van. Although he was following the main truck, he quickly spun off in a different direction - squealing tires and all - after shouting at me: 'What - you like taking pictures of people who give you the finger?! You fuckin' nutcase!' Funny you should put it that way.

Both men became hostile very quickly, simply because I had asked some basic questions, while snapping a few shots.

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[1] Needless to say, my doctor doesn't believe in my conspiracy theories, or my claims of surveillance; however, we parted on good terms.

[2] This receptionist has made several knowing comments to me on various occasions - one time involved a change of phone numbers (details to come). Also, whenever I'm supposed to meet up with a certain friend, strange things always happen (eg, my phone line going dead, while talking to this friend, after we weren't able to meet). Last summer, this friend and I went to FoodShare's second annual open buffet at City Hall, and three people - all of whom I believe are moles - suddenly walked right into my view that strange day. The receptionist, above, was one, the previous Field to Table driver was another (yes, he has reasons to be there, but it's the way these people stepped into my line of vision that seemed deliberately choreographed), and there was a third person.

[3] Occasionally, I've had to remind my doctor that strange anomalies have happened while I've been a patient at this medical office. Many incidents seem to involve this particular receptionist (eg, missing medical reports, wrong appointment times, haphazard scheduling, odd comments). Note: I 've never been rude or unpleasant to the staff.

[4] My rent cheque bounced for reasons beyond my control. There were several oddities around this whole incident. Such *personal setbacks*, which I enounter regularly, often involve co-ordination between major institutions. That's why no one is likely to believe my surveillance theories.

[5] Another reason why people don't believe I'm being harassed by the government - besides the fact that I'm incoherent, inconsistent, emotionally unstable, antagonistic, etc - is that so many scenarios I describe require constant surveillance, major financial resources, and institutional power and influence. Believe me, if I wasn't the one experiencing all this sadistic oppression, I'd think I was a crazy fool, too!

[6] I've learned enough about internet access, these past few years, to know that various 'glitches' with my weblog cannot be random anomalies. For example, I was able to access Blogger.com's site and log-in to my blog, but I couldn't navigate within it, nor could I log back out: I was literally trapped inside my own weblog. This happened for two full days, yet nothing unusual was reported on Blogger.com's homepage. I have various evidence of internet shenanigans.

Note: Please read the 'Comments' section, below, and click on the author's link. This post subtly supports my wild notion that both Canadian and U.S. intelligence agencies are involved in my harassment. This person's name is relevant to the situation in my building. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I doubt a random commenter from California, who happens to be a politically active, ultra-right wing Christian, could possibly have known this - without having had an inside tip.

Fresh blood

What with all the glorious weather Toronto's been having, dwelling on my morbidly depressing concerns didn't seem right. I admit the sun's rays have been a lift to my own spirits, as well, but I'm also just tired of writing stuff, only to be endlessly disbelieved - so I've been sending email rants to people, instead.

I've also been spending my time looking for work. Yes, my gosh, that awful grind, which people are so certain I've been avoiding because I'm lazy and want an easy way out. The fact is, I've applied to literally hundreds of jobs over the years, but it's been a hard slog finding employment, even aside from my compromised emotional state, personal quirks, contentiousness, tardiness, etc. If you put together all the stuff I've been writing over the past six years, and seen how frantic or piqued I've been, or how emotionally involved I am in the issues I talk about, I think it should be obvious that I haven't exactly been coasting. Anyway, I recently did find a part-time job, but I'm not exactly celebrating. It will be interesting to see how things progress.

I could go into a whole spout about how I've been saying all along that there's an abundance of moles to be found in all types of transient work, and how I believe this trend began as a direct result of the government observing my and others' experiences at the hands of hospitality personnel agencies. I've said it before, it's like having a civilian army: most people could care less about ethical or legal concerns, personal integrity, or upholding civil rights - they just follow orders and get paid.

So, here's yet another of my dire warnings: Masses of people are being recruited and trained as convenient moles for the government. I guessed this might be the case back in 2002 (?). But now I'm getting a real sense of it. Far more people than you or I can possibly imagine are becoming willing accomplices to Big Brother's political and economic agendas.

(info to come)

People simply need or want extra money, and they're also eager to gain helpful connections. Yep, there's lots of mutual back-scratching going on: secret little spies are being planted in our midst faster than one can say, 'Smooth move.'

And who do you all have to thank for this miserable state of affairs? You got it: yours truly. (I know: more vague assertions. Please be patient.)


Getting Physical

I digress. Today, I actually wanted to share my concerns about a recent physical exam I had. I went through with it rather reluctantly. (My family doctor pointed out I was overdue and insisted I have one done.)

The thought of sending off my blood samples to a medical lab has me concerned, given everything I've been saying about biological and chemical attacks. [1] With fresh blood, they can analyze my DNA, blood count, nutritional levels, and so on - then, play with it. Technically speaking, it'd be easy for them to *create* an illness for me.

Here's a short list of reasons why I think medical labs aren't necessarily impartial, ethical, independent, or above government influence.

• Told my doctor how people in the mental health community could work as moles for the government. My doctor's typical response: nutcase. Yet, my suspicions about this stem from many different experiences - from moles posing as homeless people (fake booze odour sprayed on, probably from a theatrical supplies store) to odd encounters at a psychiatric rehabilitation centre (no, I'm not being facetious), certain anomalies at a mental health centre, and so on. [2]
  
  
• One psychiatric client I met, who's clearly brilliant in science (many 'mentally ill' folks are exceptionally intelligent), was suddenly offered a job and professional training as a lab technician, out of the blue. This happened not long after I began to suspect he'd been co-opted by the government, based on his weird remarks to me. I can assure you sudden job bonanzas hardly - if ever - happen in the mental health employment stream. How often have you been hand-picked from nowhere, and been given an ideal, paying, respectable job? It rarely happens, and I doubt if it's ever happened at this psychiatric centre before. This man's been a member for many years. This place is considered the end-of-the-line, last hope for mentally ill folks, who have nowhere else to turn. Who suddenly recognized this man's potential, and paved the way clear for him to be set-up in a job perfectly suited to his talents? Very strange. These types of unusual and sudden changes in fortune have been happening a lot in the past 2-1/2 years. I can point out how and why they're happening, and what the strategic relevance is - but I'll refrain. All I can say is, complex subterfuges don't only happen on TV.
  
  
• Even more disturbing is how I've recently learned of five deaths, within the past two months, that I was instantly suspicious about. Then, I found out that each one involved respiratory problems and difficulty breathing. (Kindly recall my concerns about this email spam, and the word 'aspirate,' as mentioned in 'Calling all psychos!'

I am keeping notes about the types of disabling or deathly illnesses I could get, and which parts of me are most likely to be afflicted, as well as what parties may want to see me meet an early end, and why.


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[1] I've had other warning signs that either my life or health could be at risk (details to come).

[2] I believe three of my ten therapists, and one whom I had met briefly for an assessment, have been co-opted by the government. Is this possible or likely? If you can appreciate the gravity of the situation, you may understand why my egocentric notions may actually be true.



PS - For those who actually know me, I'd like to clarify that I haven't had paid work since June 2004 (yes, it's true), and employment has been sporadic, at best. Contrary to some people's assumptions, I have not been secretly or steadily earning cash tips, as a waitress or bartender. In six years, I've only achieved a few months of self-sufficiency. Being so nervous around money, power, and sex issues, I have avoided jobs that involved the handling of money. That's why I became a banquet server. Before I fell into a major depression in 1997, my character and personal word were seldom doubted. The fact that I am now second-guessed and mistrusted equally by relatives, friends, acquaintances, and institutions I've been involved with, as well as by people reading this weblog, should be clear evidence that I've been emotionally unwell.

Weblog Tampering

For some time, I've been claiming that my weblog is occasionally tampered with. Please see, 'Funny how things change' (Aug. 13, 2004), for one example. [1]

(Note: The original text on the Nefarious DM site was truly disturbing. The way it discussed finding a dead body, and analyzed possible causes of death in morbid detail, seemed literally psychotic. It was the most chilling piece of fiction I'd ever read. A few days after I had posted about it, the tone suddenly turned cheerful and friendly, and the once-perfect writing contained numerous, glaring typos.)

Way back then, nobody believed I was being harassed at all, much less that anyone would bother accessing my weblog account, unauthorized. Most of the incidents are so petty and minor that mentioning them only undermines my own credibility.

Still, I've been noticing lately that many short words are being omitted from my posts, here and there. While I do often make typos, or accidentally forget or delete words, I'm pretty certain I did not make some of the mistakes I'm finding. Please see one funny typo in yesterday's post, 'Race and identity: A question of loyalties' (April 16, 2005; near end), to get an idea. Also, kindly read the comments in another post from that same day, 'Food, the personal and the political.'


Corporate Collusion?

More disturbingly, two of my controversial posts, which touch more directly upon insidious agendas of a rather nasty nature, both seem to have special referring addresses. These are obviously created by Blogger.com. See below:

a) 'Blowing a Tsunami' (Jan. 15, 2005) - http://oneadventure.blogspot.com/2005/01/blowing-tsunami_110583790453320854.html

b) 'Funny how things change' (Aug. 13, 2004) - http://oneadventure.blogspot.com/2004/08/funny-how-things-change_109428668656685719.html


All of my other blogposts look like this, with no special numbers: http://oneadventure.blogspot.com/2005/04/food-personal-and-political.htm


MORE DETAILS TO COME...I'm having problems even while writing this post, starting with the section on 'Corporate Collusion.'

[1] I feel compelled to warn you that I no longer believe the MisterPrivacy.com anonymizing site is in any way private - especially from Big Brother.

Food, the personal and the political

(Note: I wrote most of this on April 13.)

My Good Food Box from FoodShare came today [April 13]. Prepare yourself for some mindless rambling on the politics of food, health, and my well-being...

Today, there were two new delivery guys. I had long suspected the previous Field to Table driver of being a government mole. But he quit recently, rather unexpectedly. [1] I'll be discussing this in more detail, later.

So I buzzed the new delivery people in, saying I'd be right down. Yet, quick as a flash, they were outside my apartment, knocking on the door. Weird. It's only happened once before, with the previous driver. Before that, there were several long-time Field to Table delivery people, who had never brought the food boxes upstairs to my apartment. Wonderful as they may be, it's just not a practical thing to do (see below). Note: I've been getting the Good Food Box for several years.

Not only must these two guys have walked quickly, carrying three heavy boxes and a metal handcart, but they had no difficulty figuring out where my apartment is. I live up three flights of stairs, and there are no signs posted in the hallway about the numbering, etc. Even when I give people directions, it usually takes them some time to get oriented. Yet, these fellows found my place, without a moment's hesitation - despite being new to this route, new to my building, and probably new to the job, itself.

It doesn't make sense to bring the boxes to my door. Field to Table's general practice is to leave the boxes at an obvious pick-up point, usually near an entryway. Good Food Boxes are typically delivered to a group or local community - not to a single household. [2]

Surprised by their speedy arrival, I opened the door and faced two men of distinctly different skin tones. One stared right at me, a little arrogantly, while the other avoided my gaze, and seemed very acquiescent. It felt like a test of power relations - much like the visit I had with two Jehovah's Witnesses, the day before.

(The latter pair had come to warn me about the 'critical times' we live in. They tuned-in to my every look, word, and gesture, very closely. I find the title of the religious publication they distribute, WatchTower, fitting. More details about their spiritual chat to come.)

I've suggested many times, both on this blog and in emails, that dualistic, Good Cop vs. Bad Cop approaches are being used by the government to study people's instinctual responses. Crazy as it sounds, I believe my surveillance has helped to influence this growing trend. I'm not proud of this contribution, believe me. But just be warned: intelligence agencies' many strategies for studying people's psychological responses - especially under stress - can be extremely subtle.

After these two men left, I then had to bring one of the boxes back down three flights to a tenant, who lives in the basement. He's one of the neighbours that I keep claiming have been co-opted by the government. Low-income people make good accomplices: people tend to feel sorry for them, and never suspect them of co-operating with the government.

This man is a highly intelligent, somewhat eccentric, aging hippie. He's also an animal-loving, environmentally-responsible throwback to the days when Yorkville was still a grassroots, peacenik hangout. [3]

So what's the symbolism here? Me going down, down, down. And who should I happen to pass on the stairwell going up, up, up to my floor? A Caucasian male, with a shaved head, carrying flowers. Nice touch.

By the way, I've been wanting to discuss the abundance of bald men on TV, immediately after the media's censure of Ward Churchill, followed by the Jeff Gannon incident and various publicity-grabbing by politicians in the U.S. [4]

Am I reading too much into the Good Food Box delivery?

I can often predict these incidents, or how they may play out. It's almost like clockwork - or a sadistic game of cat-and-mouse. I've had SO MANY bizarre incidents and anomalies, involving both this organization and various people I keep claiming are moles. My inept social skills and fractious personality can only explain for so much.

Yet, if all my claims of harassment and possible death-dealing to others are the work of a 'supremacist network,' they certainly seem to have the government's blessing. The persistent, well-timed, and frequent or unusual changes and problems I seem to encounter with my two utilities (Bell Canada, Toronto Hydro), for example, is a story, in itself. (More details to come.)

I have reason to believe corporate agendas are being stepped up around this aspect of human survival. They were anyway (think Monsanto and genetic engineering), but the 'marketing' approach is changing. Conservative strategies may include: secretly co-opting organizations that deal with food production or distribution; refining business and marketing tactics of large companies; extorting sizable companies that are not western-owned into submission - or simply scoring a piece of the action.

Grassroots community food programs, like FoodShare's Field to Table concept, offer much potential for research and strategic networking within Ontario and abroad. It's all about control - yet not necessarily for the benefit of people or environments. It's more like dollars, connections, image, and influence -- $$$.

I've really meandered here, in trying to link food and political agendas to my own surveillance situation. Just wait till I get onto the subject of WATER!


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[1] There's been a general turnover among various people, whom I believe are government plants. I understand this is a regular practice of intelligence agencies. It's done for many reasons (eg, reducing suspicions about individual operatives, and the possibility of being traced; broadening training and knowledge base; keeping factions and sub-groups from forming, etc).


[2] I've tried to do outreach on behalf of Field to Table, as I believe in what they do. I'll be posting a flyer I created and distributed in 2002. I believe that period marks the beginning of my surveillers' interactions with my landlords.


[3] Another thing that makes me bitter is how I genuinely tried to help this man, and many other people, within my limited capacity - yet without getting pulled into his seeming desire for hand-outs. He never believed in my surveillance, until he, himself, had been co-opted, like so many others. As with other people, like several homeless folks, whom I've sat down and chatted with, in all types of weather, I told this person how I thought he could help better himself, and find fulfillment. I'm definitely blunt and opinionated. I believe this is yet another way, in which my surveillers found me unusual. Drawing from my pop-psychology, self-help tendencies, and real desire to bring out people's higher good, I believe intelligence agencies are now carrying out similar social experiments on other individuals and groups. I've known this man 4-1/2 years; he's lived in these two adjoining buildings for about 20 years. Yet, within the past year, he's become a completely changed man: clean, groomed, more self-possessed, and so on.

Several of my neighbours think I'm loaded. I believe the government tells them this, in order to gain their co-operation. People always assume I'm at least 'comfortable,' and it's not hard for Big Brother to persuade anyone that I'm either wealthy or crooked. I get extremely agitated and nervous around money and other power issues. People close to me didn't even believe what I was saying, or understand why I was screwed up, so why the heck should anyone else?

Note: I am not physically wanting, in any way. I've also seen the most extreme forms of poverty elsewhere, so I always appreciate what I do have, and I'm well aware of whatever 'privileges' I may hold. But wealthy, I am not.


[4] Please see '"Gannon" stoking conservative flamers?' and posts about Ward Churchill's controversial writings.


Edit: Please click on the 'comments,' below, for more thoughts on Good Food Boxes, moles, harassment, and intimidation. I'll explain more about the 'sweetheart' reference later.

Race and identity: A question of loyalties

The Problem of Race

In the post above, I briefly alluded to neo-Nazi influences. I am neither for or against neo-Nazism - I simply believe in a peaceful and equitable co-existence. I guess that's the problem.

I've found that today's neo-Nazism or supremacist agendas do not necessarily exclude membership or co-operation by people of different races or religions. There are even Jews who embrace this political viewpoint or overall agenda. Things are not always clearcut: everything and everyone serves a purpose. For example, both police/security forces and organized crime help reinforce and protect the interests of the wealthy elite.

Michael Moore's documentary film, Bowling for Columbine, does a great job of connecting the dots between corporations, the business of war and violence, and their tragic impact on America’s youth - yet he also manages to create a story of hope. I've heard Mark Achbar, Jennifer Abbott, and Joel Bakan's The Corporation is also good.

I'd rather avoid discussing all these complex social issues. I wish I could just say, Hey, I'm under illegal, life-threatening surveillance, and horrible things are going on! Yet, the circumstances and profound levels of animosity only make sense, when socio-political ties and world history are brought into the picture.

It's also worth noting that both contemporary alliances and historical allegiances can change: people can agree to disagree, in order to achieve mutually beneficial outcomes.


Intolerance vs. Acceptance

Ironically, as a child, I happened to read several biographies about Adolph Hitler [1]. I learned that, besides being a malevolent, murderous fanatic, Hitler was also an artistic vegetarian, who believed in holistic medicine.

Adolph Hitler was also interested in Indian culture and the many herbal medicines developed there. Inspiration for the swastika, which became a symbol for Hitler's National Socialist German Workers Party (Nazis), comes out of India. [2] But the image had been reversed. Also, the word 'swastika' derives from Sanskrit: svastika means a 'sign of good luck,' and the root word, svasti, means 'well-being.'

Jennifer Rosenberg's 'The History of the Swastika' gives an excellent summary about this important and once-widespread icon.

The cross-fertilization of ideas and cultures has alwaysexisted.* And while death, destruction, and supreme hatred may somehow be necessary in the grand scheme of things, I simply cannot endorse it. That doesn't mean I'm so 'good' or noble, myself, or that I don't have many prejudices. I can relate to elitists' desire for quality, and I recognize the need for both natural and human-constructed hierarchies. [3] Yet, if one is pro-people and environments overall, then flawed socio-political systems do need to be questioned and challenged. I also happen to believe there is a higher good that we are meant to strive for, as human beings.

To me, essentializing religions or prophets in terms of race (eg, the pope, Jesus, etc), as the media has been doing lately, is the complete OPPOSITE of what spirituality is all about.


*[Edit: Notice how 'alwaysexisted' in the second last paragraph is like an anagram for sexist? Please see 'Weblog tampering,' and the 'comments' for 'Food, the personal and the political.' I'm certain I didn't make that typo and several others I noticed today.]


Everyone Wants a Fair Shake

I've mentioned Adolph Hitler a few times now, yet I haven't had a chance to discuss the many complexities I see within anti-Semitism, and how these may relate to the struggles of other persecuted, maligned, and oppressed peoples. This is not an easy subject to explore. As with most things, there are no black-and-white realities.

As an example, here are some instances of my own diverse relationship with people of Semitic heritage:

• Growing up, I had various 'learning moments' about how one can inadvertently absorb anti-Semitic slurs, and I changed my words and thoughts, accordingly;
  
  
• I sensed how hypocritical religions or religious people can be, when I discovered that Jesus was a Jew - it's kind of like appropriation, if you think about it;
  
  
• I've pointed out that Christianity and Catholicism are both sects of Judaism, and that Jesus was Jewish. When I said this, once, my therapist gleefully responded, 'He's da boy!'
  
  
• I have dear friends and respected acquaintances, who happen to be of Jewish/Hebraic backgound;
  
  
• I celebrated Chanukah with Israeli Jews, while living in India.
  
  
• Apparently, there is one Jewish/Hebrew ancestor in my family.
  
  
• Even the dictionary's definition of Semitic peoples is diverse.
  

I believe all of the above is actually how and why the idea - and growing strategy - of 'keeping chinks out of the chain' (ie, gene pool) got its start (eg, one Jewish relation being subsumed into a Chinese family, general population differences between Caucasians and other groups, the colorization of North America through interracial marriages, and so on) - assuming that my melodramatic adventures are being closely observed, and possibly being transferred to the big screen.

So many people I know are interracially married, and so, the push to visually and subconsciously encourage Caucasian coupling is on.

I feel an affinity with people of Jewish/Hebraic ancestry, and I empathize deeply with their past struggles - yet, I also find social tensions or resentments can surface, when people of Jewish /Hebraic heritage may, understandably, try to hide their identity, while actively embracing the very social structures, institutions, economies, and ways of thinking that oppress many other people. [4] (In queer culture, that's kind of like 'passing' for a straight person, while trampling other queers - or worse.)

Many people of Jewish or Hebraic background may also be quite successful in the world, and can exert social control and influence, yet still want recognition and compassion for their suffering, both past and present, while possibly being unaware of others' oppression, or somehow seeing it as justified. This can feel like betrayal.

Not being very physically identifiable - especially with name changes, interracial mixing, modern surgery, etc - Jewish/Hebrew people aren't likely to be discriminated against. There is also no likelihood of an anti-Semitic backlash, or another Holocaust, since people of Jewish or Hebraic background are highly popular and have been outstandingly successful in virtually every field - be it science or art, entertainment or technology, and everything in between. A great many of our cultural icons and heroes are of Jewish/Hebraic ancestry.

I'm explaining all this because my surveillers often play me off as a crank. It's pretty f**king amazing, considering I believe in, and am fighting for, freedom for ALL, while striving for an ecologically-balanced and environmentally-responsible world.

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of intolerance, especially when I'm under stress. At least, I can admit it. I don't strive to be bigoted, nor do I actively undermine the dignity of other groups, or advocate hatred, or kill people. Yet, on top of the prejudices I frequently face, and my own disempowered situation (socially, economically), I must also cope with the alarming malevolence of those who want to shut me down, while seeking to control other people, society, natural resources, and the world.

All I can say is, watch out for covert biological and chemical strategies. Picking people off is just too darn easy.

I believe everyone is prejudiced in some way. Let's be honest about this fact. Enduring major oppression, or even attempted genocides, of which there have been many on this planet, does not absolve any person or group of racism.** Also, after any mass injustice, a desire for revenge is common. This should not be ruled out of our conceptions about global politics and socio-economic agendas.

**Note: This is yet another of my views, which intelligence agencies and right-wing fundamentalists found compelling. I believe Big Brother may be actively stirring up old enmities among different groups and countries. It's all about DIVIDE AND CONQUER, after all.


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[1] More about Adolph Hitler:

- 'Adolph Hitler: A Study in Tyranny' - Holocaust Teacher Resource Center

- 'The Rise of Adolph Hitler' - The History Place

- 'The psychology and development of Adolph Hitler Schicklgruber' by Abelard is fascinating.


[2] 'Socialist origins of Neo-Nazism' by Llewellyn H. Rockwell, Jr. is an informative article, yet I disagree with this take on modern-day neo-Nazism. I believe neo-Nazis are by far a tool (or even the main engine) of the 'right,' and that their proponents generally do not support socialist values.


[3] Hitler's heavy reliance upon the concept of a supreme breed of people - that is, the Aryan race - can be found in both Hindu religious texts and Persian culture.


[4] Feelings of betrayal, or anger at perceived hypocrisy, often arise and can cause ill will within all types of relationships. I'm just offering an example of how social resentments can surface.


Note: I mentioned Vancouver in a recent post, as I believe there's a migration of moles, from various fields, who are heading there. Two people I know also recently visited the popular city, which I find interesting. I've been reluctant to name Vancouver as both a security and 'social experiment' hotspot, due to its high Asian population, and the frequent assumptions people make about me. The few people I know, who live in B.C., or who are from there, are long-time Canadians of various backgrounds. This brings to mind a person I once knew, who was a third-generation Canadian of Japanese ancestry. This humorous, gentle, and kind man was born in B.C., during the 1930s. His first and only language was English, and he had never been outside of Canada, until he got deported to Japan, during the Second World War; he was about 11 years old, at the time. As a sensitive teenager, learning of this man's seldom spoken of experience made me realize the tenuousness of my own status, as a Canadian. Anyway, the reason I mentioned Vancouver so haphazardly is because I often feel saddled with certain stereotypes and stigmas. Yet, Vancouver is obviously a key place, in terms of the political developments I'm talking about.

Why Am I in this Pickle?

La Dolce Vita

I feel like I've been screaming my lungs out for a very long time. Serious developments are underway, which are affecting countless people, plus the future of Toronto, Canada, and the world at large. (Yes, it's really that big.) Yet, my being continually disbelieved, dismissed, and ridiculed by so many - including the very people and organizations that I care about - is enough to turn one into a twisted, wretched, and hateful person. Hey, at least I can admit it.

Undergoing major depression, and feeling betrayed and constantly invalidated - especially as a mental health patient - are all minor experiences compared to my surveillance. I've been harassed and indirectly threatened, both in and outside my home, for nearly four years. [1] What I describe on here is but a mere fraction of what actually goes on.

People with jobs, emotional support, a comfortable lifestyle, and so on, sit in judgement upon me, while those who have betrayed me most offer not even a hint of apology. I've become a wreck, socially - I have ZERO PRIVACY - and I can also well appreciate how military and mafia types feel, being on guard constantly. This stuff doesn't only happen in the movies, people. I lived like a fugitive on the lam for almost three whole years, day in and day out (see below).

Equally distressing is how the entrenched corruption that already existed in this city has proliferated into a generalized 'everybody's in on it' network. Now Magazine's portentous article heading says it all:

THE END OF ACCOUNTABILITY: New finger-pointing technologies treat adults like children (Feb. 24 - Mar. 2, 2005)

Note: I find the title relevant, not the article, itself. [2]


Why Am I in This Pickle?

I'll eventually post a summary about how I got into this desperate situation. But for now, let me just deal with the basic question: 'Why me?' So many people have said to me: 'Do you really think you're that special?' 'Why would CSIS waste their time on you?'

Well, I have to admit, there were some chance happenings that took things to a higher level (eg, the FBI, my neighbour's connections, etc). NOBODY ever believes my claims about being under surveillance. So I can't control what people say in my presence, or who they associate with - MUCH AS I TRY TO WARN PEOPLE THAT *EVERYTHING* IS BEING RECORDED AND CLOSELY STUDIED.

Still, I have to take responsibility for myself. Here's how I see things:

I believe my outspoken views, pent-up anger, reactiveness, and isolation from others - combined with my wacky ideas, unorthodox approaches, and strong desire for social upliftment - made me an easy target for bullying and abuse by authorities. And, the more stuff they did to me, the more I tried to escape their relentless scrutiny and intimidation - not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because I cherish my freedom dearly. I was also in a hyper state of fight-or-flight; this intensified level of stress probably began in 1997. [3]

I believe my unusual responses and creative forms of resistance have actually helped Big Brother improve their surveillance techniques. While that may sound self-aggrandizing, I have reasons for believing this is true. Their enhanced skills in intuiting people's subconscious thoughts and behaviours, and thereby, controlling social interactions on a wide scale, are truly frightening. [4]


This Ain't No Fairy Tale

Here's a short list of how my presumed persecution by authorities has affected my behaviours, and has helped to create a New Me, ever since 2001:

• I often avoid speaking about certain topics aloud;


• I try not to make plans in advance, in order to minimize government interference and the possibility of being set-up. (It's gotten to the point where even seeing a movie with my mother can be meddled with. It's shockingly easy.)


• I've written umpteen frenzied notes to people, and still do;


• I always try to shield my writing from hidden cameras, and I burn most of my letters after;


• I began to use payphones in 2001, almost exclusively, and I asked most people never to call me - I did this for three years;


• I believe all of my mail is being tracked, and some of it has been opened; plus, anyone I may write to will be closely watched (examples to come);


• I stopped playing certain types of protest music, and music with any strong cultural bias (eg, native Indian, African, etc);


• I've avoided contacting many people - especially old friends, or people from marginalized groups - to avoid subjecting them to more government spying and indirect forms of harassment. [5]

Being watched and stalked on a constant basis ain't no picnic. But I now have a better grasp of what's going on, who's doing it and why, and how it all works. I was so naive about intelligence agencies before.

Thankfully, I've learned so much from my favourite radio station, and the wonderful people who work and volunteer there. This awesome, rockin' station has been a much-needed balm for my sanity. Yet, I also worry about them, as I believe they've become a key focus for Big Brother. The station has seen many changes since 2003, and some subtle shifts have happened, or are currently underway. [6][7]


-------------

[1] My surveillance began before the September 11 attacks in New York transformed security measures in North America. In fact, the day after that unbelievable tragedy, I received a wrong number phone message in Arabic. The telephone number was (416) 000-0000 - kind of like 'Ground Zero.' A Bell Canada representative confirmed that such a number could only be set from within Bell.

[2] Anyone that analyzes media, or has studied advertising, is bound to have noticed how visually bold and unusually flamboyant frontcover pages and lead stories have become across all of Toronto's major newspapers. This sudden and measurable break with tradition began within the past two years.

The phrase 'the tipping point' also seems to be popping up in popular media. Please check out this book by the same name: The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell. This intriguing bestseller identifies how social trends develop, and the ways in which innovation can spread.


[3] My first of many therapists diagnosed me as having post-traumatic stress. Yet, I now believe it's 'complex post-traumatic stress' - or Borderline Personality Disorder. That's why school, family, and just about everything was too much for me. Believe it or not, I used to be a nice, well-liked, and, dare I say, guileless person. These past many years have been like an intensive bootcamp for social politics, and my waking up to how things actually work.


[4] I'll be posting links and book titles that exemplify my interest in astrology, psychology, self-help, spirituality, and so on. I believe the government was surprised at my ability to guess people's astrology signs and their personality types, as well as my tuning-in closely to people's adverse social responses (more details to come).


[5] All the people from my past, and those whom I currently interact with - even briefly - have been, or are being, closely watched and studied.


[6] While I often praise this particular radio station, I also believe they are undergoing critical transformation, as a result of government surveillance. Small, non-profit, community radio stations are vulnerable and can easily be monitored, infiltrated, and co-opted through various means, such as: finances, equipment and technical aspects, staff or volunteers, physical location, and so on. The benefits to Big Brother are many, for example:

1. Wealth of information (eg, archives);
   
   
2. Financial control by putting the right funders in place, and even setting up businesses to cater to students, progressives, and so on;
   
   
3. In-depth psychological profiling of activists and alternative types;
   
   
4. Studying social networks and outreach impacts;
   
   
5. Tracing incoming calls from various listeners and studying their social milieus; and alternatively, having people pose as switched-on liberals and funky hipsters.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Operatives look and act the part, establish trust, and weave themselves thoroughly into grassroots communities. I already *sensed* all this was happening, but there have been some notable developments going on, more recently. Several key events also happened in 2003. However, I'll leave it to others to piece these seemingly disparate incidents together.

Just remember: it's all about taking power out of the hands of the common people. Who are the key connectors? What or where are the pressure points?


[7] Here's another example of my futile efforts. After I began to openly praise free rag eye magazine for their journalism, about a year-and-a-half ago, it stopped being delivered to my local area. One newstand was removed from a major street, and another one, which is in a high traffic area, remains perpetually empty. I called eye and was referred to their distributor about this matter. I think I even wrote a letter, and sent an email. Yet, nothing has been done. This makes me wonder whether it is mere happenstance, or deliberate oversight. Then, Now Magazine added a second box, so they have two newsstands, alongside Xtra and various other free and paid news publications. Yet, eye's box just sits and gathers dust. As a result, I read eye about once every three or four weeks now.

This kind of seemingly minor tweaking, and other creative marketing strategies and/or passive sabotaging, mirror the kinds of things that I believe are happening on a much larger, well-organized scale.

Working together for real change

Freedom For All

This note is partly addressed to someone, for whom I have the utmost respect and admiration:

You are a role model to me. Your many efforts are super-solid - regardless of whether they may be tampered with by Big Brother. I, too, wish to celebrate people's unique identities and our collective energies, and thereby, make positive change possible. I also believe setting ethical standards and implementing proper check systems - while putting power back in the hands of the people - may help create a more healthy, empowered, and free society. I hope that we may remain allies in this common struggle.

The unfortunate reality is, oppressed people everywhere carry a great deal of pain and anger. This is not a simple problem: communal healing is necessary. Whenever oppression exists - and particularly, if people are seeking to shift social and environmental paradigms - anger, hostility, and resentments will inevitably surface. Recognizing that the game is skewed in another's favour creates tensions and an ugly backlash - even if one *thought* one was being an ally. This can really hurt.

Yet, oppression is like an out-of-control garden hose: everyone around it is bound to get splashed with cold water. In 'Healing Circles: Transforming Grief into Growth for Children and Teens,' they suggest that it's 'healthy to express...[angry feelings] in a non-destructive way.' That's why healing circles make sense to me: they offer a more holistic and supportive framework for addressing one's anger and facilitating deep personal changes, while enabling mutual co-operation and community action (see following post).

My own oppression issues are complicated. I won't bother getting into them (for once). Yet, I do realize my repressed anger often jabs those, whom I actually want to be friends with or connect with. In my desperate need to get my points across, and to finally be believed (&*@!#%^*!), I can be reactive, passive-aggressive, and insensitive towards others. I'm trying to improve in these areas.

The upshot here is: I don't wish to antagonize (most) people, especially those who I am in solidarity with (although there are some who have betrayed me deeply, but they know who they are). To those who may somehow feel shafted by either my distemper, my urgent need to prove things, or my bitterness about being endlessly scoffed at, while fervently trying to warn people, I do hope we can heal our differences.

Healing circles, right on

More links on one of my favourite topics: healing circles. If properly facilitated and treated with respect, circles have amazing potential to transform society and solve many of its ills. Below, are some guidelines for starting a circle with friends, colleagues, family, or people in your community:

1. Basic Guidelines for Calling a Circle by PeerSpirit.com



2. Getting Started: Calling the Circle by Wisdom Circles

TYPES OF HEALING CIRCLES

Note: Some links have been posted before.

Personal

- http://www.healing-circles.org/Articles.htm (It says it's for children, but anyone's inner child could probably benefit from the advice given here.)


Social/Community

- http://www.nativechild.org/mo.htm

- http://www.kporterfield.com/healing/Sisters.html

- http://studycircles.org

- http://peerspirits.com

- http://www.wisdomcircle.org


Judicial

- http://www.tinyurl.com/5vwxr

(There can be downsides to sentencing circles, as this article, 'Healing Circles Protested,' indicates: http://sisis.nativeweb.org/resschool/jul2198cri.html.)


Environmental

- http://www.earthwins.com/healing_circles/home.html

- http://www.spiritearth.net/healingcircles (under construction)


Cultural

- http://www.iisd.org/7thgen/healing_circle.htm


Spiritual

- http://www.crystalinks.com/healingcircle.html

Phone franticness

Okay, being organized isn't my strong point. Posting 'multimedia content' on this weblog will take some time, partly because I haven't figured out how to upload different sound and picture files. Also, keeping up with my constantly overflowing voicemail box is a full-time job in itself.

Plus, my phone line is dead right now, so I don't have internet access. Strangely, the line cut out Friday night, while I was having an unusual and interesting conversation with a friend. Bell Canada is coming Tuesday to do repairs.

[Edit: The above may sound unintentionally suggestive. Actually, I was having notable problems with phone/internet/weblog connections over a two-day period, and I went to various lengths to access my weblog. I even asked some small stores if I could briefly try their internet. I finally ended up at George Brown College and was able to get through - funnily enough. On this same day, I was to meet up with this friend, but it didn't happen, due to an unexpected 'emergency with the water mains' at this particular building. When we spoke by phone later on, this friend described someone they ended up meeting that day, 'who's just as paranoid as you' (ie, me). Everything described about this person was strikingly similar to my own situation of feeling under high threat and overwhelmingly oppressed, while wanting to challenge the system. The Ministry of the Attorney General was referred to several times. In my own case, I suspect government surveillance and corruption would be exposed on a large scale. This friend does *not* believe I'm being surveilled. As I feared, they took the sudden phone disconnection as a deliberate slight, on my part. I'll post a transcription of their subsequent phone message to me, shortly.]

The timing of my phone service suddenly failing is a bit weird, considering I had just called Bell on Thursday, April 7, to request a wiretap check on my line. I had also contacted them the day before that, on Wednesday, April 6, to clear up several incidents of overbilling on my account. Uh, perhaps my discussions about digital monopolies and privacy concerns have ticked somebody off...?

What's equally strange is that my mother's phone line also had no dial tone, just two weeks ago. For three days, leading up to her birthday, she was unable to make phone calls, and likewise, nobody could call in. There are other anomalies around this whole event, which I may try to explain later.

Getting back to my own phone and internet challenges, last Wednesday to Friday were all very eventful days. For example, I had much difficulty accessing my weblog account, and I even went out of my way to try posting from different places. Wonder if anyone else was having this same problem? It seemed, to me, as if the site was selectively down, and that all attempts to post to my weblog were being purposely blocked. (But then, according to all my past therapists, I'm paranoid and delusional, so these odd perceptions may just be more hooey.)

More details about phone connections and other communications adventures coming soon. As always, thanks for your patience in reading this piecemeal web journal.

Techno-dress for tomorrow's women

I came across this link, by chance. Check it out: SmartMom Sensate Pregnancy Dress (click the different buttons on the dress). It's just one example of how advanced technology is these days.

For me to be under 24-hour surveillance isn't all that impossible or unlikely. Considering that my having any credibility would potentially expose the insidiousness of the government's agendas and actions, it's not all that surprising that security bodies - and apparently major institutions and even corporations - seem to be engaging in an almost unbelievable scale of harassment of both myself and many others.

Harassment can happen in many different and subtle ways. I'll be exploring this topic in more detail, shortly.

More peevish musings from a drama queen

Sorry for the hiatus. Lots of stuff to contend with right now, particularly on a more practical level (ie, meeting obligations, keeping body and soul together, and so on). More on all that to come.

Since my claims about surveillance have far-reaching implications, I hope people can appreciate how hard and risky it is to gather information, and try to present it in an intelligible way - especially when I'm dealing with multiple stresses, and I feel like I'm under constant threat. (While this latter claim may appear minute or even non-existent to others, it certainly doesn't feel that way to me.)

I'm also burned out from continually trying to counter people's preconceived notions about me, and why I'm in this ridiculous situation - even when I'm writing in my own weblog. This can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Well, surprise, I'd like to clarify a few more things from my recent blogposts. But I'm honestly getting tired of these neurotic explanations, so please don't expect me to compulsively share so many personal details about myself and my family in future.

Anyway, here goes...

Almost my entire extended family is university educated, right up to my late grandfather's generation. My grandfather was born in 1909; he and all his siblings, both male and female, had completed their post-secondary studies. My mother and her siblings (with the exception of my mentally-handicapped uncle), and all my cousins (with the exception of one, who was just too smart for the drudgery of school) have degrees of some sort (BA, MA, PhD).

Note: I'm not mentioning all this as a 'status thing,' although I am proud of my family's achievements. I'm just trying to give you a sense of how my family and I are located. Personally, I believe intelligence comes in many forms, and I feel school often stifles people's interests, aptitudes, and overall development. My own sense of scholastic incompetency dates back to 1982. As a result, I've become interested in holistic education and self-learning.

With the exception of a once-estranged and now deceased grandfather, none of my family owns and operates their own business, although one relative is part of a joint consultancy as a graphic designer. We are not big into finance or economics.

Ironically, my mother is the only one with financial designations, yet she is truly an example of someone who is book-smart, but not street-wise. [1] Having graduated as an actuary, she found the work didn't suit her all that well. [2] Her strengths in math and studying for exams led her to take various other courses (eg, FLMI). Yet, intellectual know-how does not always equal practical application.

In 'Calling all psychos!,' I almost made it sound like my mother plays the stock market, and thus, got herself into debt; yet, she never has. She has invested in mutual funds, however, and lost money. When I say my mother is struggling financially, this has a lot to do with her trust in other people, her susceptibility to pressure sales people (eg, selling her house in one day), my unemployment and ongoing surveillance situation, and her willingness to support me until her last dime.

Overall, my extended family is typically lower-middle to upper-middle class. As I've said, they're mostly university-educated professionals, with me being the main exception (read, unemployed good-for-nothing). They're a pretty decent bunch, without being boring or humdrum. Two of my more artistic relatives ended up in New York.

By the way, that $3000 car repair I mentioned had been done on my relative's car? It turned out to be $4200. The entire internal chassis of the car somehow came loose. Sounds pretty unlikely to me, but what do I know. This particular relative is quite talented, and has been in the public eye, plus this person has had some political involvement.

(Note: Holy sh*t! I mulled over whether to write the sentence, above, for a good 20 minutes. When I finally started typing it out, someone just kicked the glass bottles I'd placed outside my apartment door, earlier this evening, and startled me. [3] It's 3:45am. Speaking of sh*t, earlier today, I found cat sh*t on my door mat. Other info to come.)


I commend people for being skeptical and independent, critical thinkers. I'm glad people don't just take my word for the crazy ideas and theories I spout on here. Yet, to help reduce my overanxious and defensive rants about economics in future, I really hope people may apply their analytical abilities in a way that synthesizes the truth in a more holistic and realistic fashion.

Empires are often created and manage to survive through unscrupulous means. Big Brother *does* play an active role in the technological and corporate monopolies currently being built. And, finally, social empowerment is a major issue. Mumia Abu-Jamal and Leonard Pelletier are classic examples of what I mean, but I'm sorry, I don't have time to explore their cases further. [4] Please do your own research.

I know that I am who I say I am. While the onus is certainly on me to prove my claims about government surveillance, if I have to keep on defending or explaining myself, purely because of people's negative stereotypes and entrenched social perceptions, then you'll just see more bitterness and antagonism being dragged out here, and you'll never get to hear the real scoop on how pervasive (and deadly) illegal surveillance is becoming in Canada, and how civil rights are going right down the tubes.

(Civil rights, what's that?!? Gosh, I think this concept is actually disappearing from our collective consciousness.)

I can definitely show that I've been an ongoing target for threats and harassment for several years, and that many institutional forces appear to be involved. My only 'crime' has been to express my opinions vigorously and to push for change, while admittedly being critical, antagonistic, combative, and emotionally unstable. So bite me, I was reeling from sensory overload and emotional distress.

Regardless of how undiplomatic I may be (and George Brown could be accused of the same problem), it would be a real blow to Canada's credibility as a nation, if security bodies are actively undermining public power and co-opting Toronto's many different communities (queer, ethnic, academic, etc), as well as strategically supporting certain corporations and industries, as part of a covert quest for global power and control.


Note: George Brown springs to mind for several reasons. One is that I've noticed my mom's students frequently seem to study certain topics and books that correspond closely with my overall situation; this happens at very specific times. I've never really thought about Canada's state of democracy in terms of, say, ethnic background. Yet, I can see now why there may be such a strong drive to undermine people, like myself, who espouse such liberal values: it might actually open the door to greater public participation (oh, no!). It'd also explain why certain prominent or influential people, particularly women of colour (those who aren't moles), seem to be increasingly targetted or co-opted by intelligence agencies.

---------

[1] My mother shares the same birthday as René Descartes. Unfortunately, her own philosophical bent and abiding interest in understanding the Big Picture has been reduced to constantly analyzing how to make ends meet. She has been much changed by both my unwellness and my ongoing claims of surveillance these past four years.

[2] 'Actuary: A social mathematician who uses mathematical skills to define, analyze and solve complex business and social problems involving insurance and employee benefit programs.' [Source.]

(Note: I chose the definition above because I think it may help explain my own ways of looking at the world. Corporate moguls and intelligence agencies have found it exceedingly easy to appropriate my ideas or approaches. While I'm not all that brilliant or unique, I do have some interesting notions, and have researched actual strategies that could have helped the general public - and particularly, activists and left-leaning types. Too bad my urgent calls for action continually fell on deaf ears.)

[3] This is the second time I've had a strange incident occur, immediately after packing up part of my home bar. See 'My home bar' (Oct. 8, 2005). Seems like my whole bartending adventure has become symbolic for taking me down as a person. In reading my surveillance and harassment stories, you may also notice some correspondence between what I'm suggesting is going on and bold new changes and upcoming trends in the agriculture, retail food, and hospitality industries - now and in the future.

[4] The most holistic conference I ever attended was the International Conference on Penal Abolition (ICOPA), which was held at Ryerson University in 2000. I mean that in every sense. I've been to Holistic Learning workshops and a Transformative Learning Conference, yet these tend to be more specialized.

Threats of all kinds

I guess all the forces are closing in. Lots of little threatening anomalies going on, and intimidating people, but I'll leave you to decipher the clues and possibilities.

[Edit: The second entry in the 'Comments' area is my own response.]

Editing posts

Please know that I compulsively edit blogposts (eg, 'Calling all psychos!').

Also, not to sound like I'm making excuses, but my writing skills have definitely gone downhill in the past few years. Chalk it up to mental stress, deep frustration, sheer terror, or whatever.

Other stuff:

Just so you know, this is how the weblog should look (see below). For some reason, it isn't showing up properly in certain browsers, like Internet Explorer; the sidebar is empty.


Normal sidebar



Normal sidebar - 2

Learning to be different

Yet another note to my former peers: I didn't mean to imply that I've gossiped about my academic experiences to others. I haven't. And I apologize for blah-blahing about this all over my blog. But how else does one reach out, in order to be understood?

The fact is, when I got hung out to dry, I was in much pain, and therefore, I avoided any mention of school whatsoever, plus I was fully occupied with other problems in my life - like government surveillance and being harassed. Believe it or not.

While I do celebrate my friends' achievements in getting their degrees, I tended to avoid the topic of education altogether. With those of my equally few friends from outside of school, I never discussed my scholastic endeavours or experiences, once I had left the programme, other than to say I got the boot.

And, for me, it's not so much about getting the degree. The following are my key concerns:

1. You can laugh at this, if you want, but I put my whole heart and self into my studies, and I continue to do so; I feel I deserve a fair chance.



2. I put in two years of time and produced a lot of 'material,' if not a lot of concrete results - I tried the best I could.
   
   
3. My mother, regretfully, subsidized my education. I feel an obligation, in this sense. While I may qualify for student loans, the very thought of all the paperwork held me back, plus I had just finished paying off a previous student loan (with help), and I didn't want to carry another one. I also thought I'd eventually find a part-time job, so I could pay for my own tuition. Hasn't happened yet.
   
   
4. I was the ultimate critical, contentious, and angry rebel; I deserve credit for that, at least.
   
   
5. Finally, I like to have a sense of accomplishment and closure. As I've often said, I'm not an overly big believer in mainstream schooling and institutional learning, so it's definitely not about getting the degree, itself - it's all the other stuff.
   

American activist Emma Goldman's wise words effectively summarize my own view of education:

Since every effort in our educational life seems to be directed toward making of the child a being foreign to itself, it must of necessity produce individuals foreign to one another, and in everlasting antagonism with each other. - Emma Goldman [Source.]

Belated Christmas gifts

Maybe I need to get away from all my dreariness? I was really happy - or at peace - when I was making these homemade Christmas gifts back in December and...um, January. One person snorted at my el cheapo gifts. Thanks. :)

I actually give because I like to give. Yet, I now believe this foolish mentality - which is strongly encouraged by spiritual doctrines everywhere - actually reinforces extreme socio-economic polarities. (I'll skip my usual rant here...)

Fridge Magnets - 1




Fridge Magnets - 2

Calling all psychos!

I spent yesterday photocopying all of my psychological assessment records since March 2000. I seem to bear the brunt from both sides: mental healthcare folks see me as more ill than I am, and refuse to believe in my dire situation - while everyone else doesn't see me as sick or hurting, in any way, so they mock or disbelieve me, and only see my actions as self-serving grabs for power. (The latter may be true, but I do it for a just cause, as well as for personal protection.)

I don't believe I have a pathological disorder. However, I am extremely sensitive, and my relationship and mood management skills need a lot of work. Hey, I'm not perfect - I never graduated from Social Politics 101.

If anything, many people in power may be closet sociopaths. [1] Certainly the relentness tyranny I've been experiencing from my surveillers, and their apparent willingness to kill, seems psychopathic to me. [2]

Still, I have no right to impose my pain, anger, or personal ideas on anyone else. However, I should have the right to safety, privacy, relative freedom from abuse or oppression, and personal dignity. Or so I thought.


Security or Harassment?

I mentioned getting digital gadgets and computer equipment to help me record everything (camera, voice recorder, etc). [3] I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. My mother's not too thrilled: I've just put her into more debt, since I myself don't qualify for credit card approval.

Without further adieu, here's a snapshot of recent events:

First, read my March 12 post ('Electronic surveillance of citizens is no joke'). Scroll down to the part where it says, 'one's pets may be harmed, or one's car may be tampered with, just as a subtle setback to you.'

Now, read this email from a relative, who lives in New York, and two responses from other relatives. I've changed the names for privacy reasons, and have edited out more personal stuff.

Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005
Subject: RE: Sherlock...

> C and T:
>
> What sad news about Sherlock. I share you pain and
> loss and I mourn with you. But I know that was the
> best for Sherlock because otherwise he would only suffer more.
>
> Both of you treated Sherlock with love and care; you
> can be comforted by the fact he had a good life with you.
>
> Take care. Love, B
>
------------

> My heartfelt condolence to you both.
>
> I am deeply saddened by the loss of Sherlock. He has
> been part of the family. Another soul is gone forever.
>
> In the past whenever I visited NY he was always there,
> part of my visit. It certainly will be different next time
> I visit, without him. Same as your visit here without him.
>
> He is not that old. Is he?
>
> He is such a good dog. [...] I wonder if he knew that his
> end is near. Taffy seemed to know when I took him to the
> the hosp. It's the sad eyes that look at you that shatters
> your heart to thousand pieces. I cried for 2 weeks. [...]
>
> I wonder if they have another kingdom of after life. I feel
> like praying to him.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> Sent: March 15, 2005 2:25 PM
> Subject: Sherlock...
>
> T. and I had Sherlock put down this morning.
>
> It was a very difficult decision, and very sudden,
> even for us. Last week, after a bout of diarrhea, we
> noticed that he was having difficulty breathing. His
> breathing was very quick, and short
> and did not ever stop at that rapid pace.
>
> On Saturday we had x-rays taken, and the sac around his heart
> was filled with fluid. The vets told us to rush him to
> the animal hospital. There, they drained the fluid, and told us
> that if it comes back soon, it wouldn't be good.
>
> Yesterday he had a great day, back to normal and
> very interested in life. But this morning, he was having
> difficulty breathing, and not even interested in going outside.
> So we took him to the hospital again.
>
> They said that they could do tests, and should it be cancer
> they might be able to operate. But at best it would only give
> him a few extra months. So instead of putting him through all
> of that, we decided to let him go. We are quite saddened by it.
>
> We will miss him terribly.
>
> c & t

********************************************

I've told everyone countless times we're being watched and threatened by Big Brother, and that all our emails are being tapped, but they still haven't clued into this notion.

Also, I don't know yet, because I haven't asked, but I'm guessing that Sherlock took ill on either Thursday, March 10, or Friday, March 11. That Thursday, I had heard a certain radio announcer mention that his dog was sick. I've called into his show before; he talks about his pet regularly on the air, and I probably showed some reaction, like, Oh-oh.

When I wrote my March 12 post about pets and cars as targets, I was indirectly referring to this DJ's much-loved canine. I have expressed concerns before about the potential vulnerability of people's pets. [4] Just like Sherlock, this particular dog's name is quite symbolic. I didn't know yet about my relative's situation.

While this may seem ridiculously farfetched to you, dear readers, I do have my reasons for believing these incidents are related. If you look back over the course of my blog, certain things I've suggested sound like complete fantasy, self-aggrandizing delusion, or a silly hoax - yet, gradually, I think you'll find my offbeat ideas do have some substance. Please stay tuned.


Drugs, Chemicals, Bio-Warfare

I recently had an email discussion with someone about mental health drugs, and I agreed to support their efforts in this area. The next day, I received this targeted spam.

Subtle threats?

What's strange is that my email forwarder is 'oneadv@...com,' and if this were truly random spam, one shouldn't know what 'oneadv' stands for. Yet, the other email addresses included are: 'oneadventure,' 'oneadvent,' 'oneadven4u,' etc. Also, notice the word 'aspirate' and other bizarre, almost psychotic, words at the bottom.

The same night that I'd been emailing with this person re: drugs and other stuff, I had also saved a complete back-up copy of this weblog, OneAdventure: Surveillance in Toronto, and I named the folder 'onea.' If you'll notice, the other addresses in this spam message are all a variation on 'onea_'. The number four (4) also appears twice, plus the word 'guy.'

So many people say to me, 'Everyone gets spam!' Yes, I know that. I'm not talking about your average spam. [5] In my opinion, this email is too specific and well-timed to be part of a random mailing (other examples to come).

More pharma-drug coincidences? I was staying at my mother's when I received this spam message. The next day, I went to my place for a few hours, and guess what happened? I got a phone call for some person, who works at 'the pharmacy.' When I asked the woman what number she had dialled, she recited my old Ident-A-Call number (recording to come).

I knew it'd be a wrong number, when I answered. Any time the phone rings, just as I arrive home, it's usually a wrong number or crank call. Or, it'll be a call from specific individuals, whom I believe are, or have been co-opted as, moles (examples to come).


Car Troubles

Cars make good targets: they offer an easy way of sending out warning signals and harassing people, without their owners ever suspecting anything.

Aside from my mother's car battery suddenly expiring (see below), two of her siblings have had unexpected car troubles, within the past six weeks. One of them had to get theirs fixed to the tune of $3000. Apparently, the entire internal chassis has dropped down. (There's more to this scenario, but it's too hard to explain.)

The other relative's spouse had swerved into a ditch. This could be the driver's fault and/or the weather. Yet, check out these two emails, and note the small, yet odd, details:

Sent: Friday, February 25, 2005
Subject: good news and bad news

[...] The bad news is this Monday, in the snow storm, R's car slipped into the central island ditch on exiting from 401 on Dixie. While the towing charges were covered by CAA, the slippage broke the [steering column] (between the steering wheel and the chasis), causing repair costs of $700.


Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005
Subject: RE: good news and bad news

No, R was not injured. And I misunderstood the problem. [...] it is the pipe that connects the steering wheel to the chasis.

R called CAA for help. Waited half hour. When it came, it pulled R out of the ditch. R asked him to wait a minute. He didn't. Probably he didn't hear him. A lot of times, I have difficulties hearing him too. After the CAA truck pulled away, R found the steering wheel did not work. He was about to call CAA again, when a policeman came up. He said Dixie was a busy road, he should get his car off the street rightaway. There were quite a few commercial towing trucks around. So R quickly asked one of them to help. [snip...] [Emphasis added.]

What if this little problem with the steering wheel and column had actually caused R. to swerve in the first place? Then, the timing of this event becomes a little more relevant.

Two weeks after this incident, on Friday, March 11, my mother's car battery suddenly conked out, just as she came to pick me up. We had to call a towing company for a car boost, and we waited for over an hour.

I know, I know - these things happen. Yet, after my various posts about academic and activist Ward Churchill, I actually began wondering to myself how much a vehicle could be rigged.

My mother's car has undergone persistent electrical, mechanical, and cosmetic problems in the past year - all at very specific times. Then, just like a thought-fulfilling prophecy, a whole new slew of auto anomalies have been dogging my mother and I these past few weeks - ever since my outspoken blogposts about Ward Churchill, where I mentioned that his wife had died in an untimely car accident. Below is just one of several odd happenings:

Magic touch

Guess what my mother's doing? She's 'tapping the starter.' Apparently, the guy from the service garage had told her that's how he managed to start her car right away, when she had gotten stuck in a parking lot back in January. This was just two days after an expensive $800 tune-up. I'm no mechanic, but that doesn't sound like a probable method to me: it's kind of like a fairy tapping her magic wand.

This is a six-year old car; my mother gets it serviced twice a year. Given the recent wallet-whipping tune-up job, having the car fail twice in two months is strange, annoying, and costly. Once was due to the starter. The second time was because of a completely dead battery (above). The battery was so kaput that the engine wouldn't even turn over (ie, make that *vrooom* noise), and the car's alarm system kept going off, as we tried to get the vehicle started.

Note: My mother's been having her car serviced at the same place she had bought it from six years ago. Yet, I first began to suspect this garage of co-operating with authorities in purposely creating problems for my mother and her car about a year ago. [6] Hearing this account of their magical cure for the car's failing starter simply adds to my concerns. Details on other well-timed car incidents to come.


Three days after my mother's car battery died, on Monday, March 14, her front door lock broke; she had to call a locksmith.

Shattered lock mechanism

Door jamb

I remained at my mother's place until Friday, March 18. She then drove me home on her way to a dental appointment. When she returned to her house, just a few hours later, she found the front door unlocked, and the curtains on the door were shut. Kind of ominous. She called me to ask if I had done this. I hadn't, of course.

(recording to come)


Off the Hook

My mother has received several blocked and wrong number calls since February (eg, Feb. 22 and 27; then, March 5, 7, and 12). [7] So have I, but this is normal for me.

You may not know this, but a person has to actively block a call by dialling * - 6 - 7. So, if you receive a wrong number call, and it's *blocked*, then it's almost certainly a CRANK CALL.

Blocked Call - March 12, 2005

So, what might have brought on this run of bad luck for both myself and others? You're looking at it, folks. These past few weeks, I've been busily researching, and then purchasing, the necessary equipment to help me finally keep track of what's going on. Oh, and I've also been distributing my weblog link to a number of people.


----------

[1] A former classmate introduced me to the term sociopath.

[2] See other links on sociopathy and psychopathy:

• 'The Sociopathic Cult' by Lew Rockwell
• 'The Psychopathic or Sociopathic Personality' - author unknown (good summary)'
• The Psychopathic Personality' - OregonCounseling.org (handout; Mar. 29, 2004)
• 'THE PSYCHOPATH - The Mask of Sanity' - Quantum Future Group

[3] My purchase of the Zippy Recorder was anything but smooth; yet, I suspect this was due to government intervention. I neither endorse, nor reject the supplier.

[4] I've warned people before that their pets could be unwitting targets, just as some people's loved ones seem to be. Explaining the strategic timing of such misfortunes is pretty difficult.

[5] More strange email spam: 'Post from the past...' (Sept. 10, 2004).

[6] Read other posts about my mother's car:

• 'Playing nice' (Jan. 30, 2005)
• 'More anomalies for mother' (Nov. 15, 2004)
• 'The magic of cars' (Aug. 22, 2004)

[7] Blocked, wrong number calls usually coincide with controversial posts that I write, while staying over at my mother's place. For example, these are the blogposts I wrote on March 5 and March 12:

• 'Free and civil society (1)' (Mar. 5, 2005)
• 'Electronic surveillance of citizens is no joke' (Mar. 12, 2005)

Protecting my privacy

Some examples of my homemade security systems:

File Protection

I draw squiggle marks over the tape with permanent marker. Being able to take digital pictures now helps a lot. Cost-wise and environmentally, digital cameras do seem to have a lot going for them. But who knows? One would have to measure the overall impacts (eg, electricity use vs. chemical disposal, and so on) to really say for sure.

Privacy safeguards



Basic home security

I'll be posting more information about privacy issues and security measures later. People seriously need to hold onto the little bit of privacy and freedom that they (mistakenly believe they) may have, and fight for it! Going digital doesn't have to mean becoming a conformist, slavish, easily manipulated drone for society's greedy and controlling masterminds.

Security, secure - I - see

Someone kindly posted a weblog link, which describes some of the invasive and illegal surveillance I've been alluding to. Not to be a fear-monger, but I believe these same surveillance activities and transgressions are happening in Toronto.

People think I'm crying, 'Wolf!' Yet my suspicions and urgent concerns are repeatedly borne out in actual phenomena. However, to avoid being called a slanderer, gossip, or paranoid freak, I'll be sticking to my own situation for examples of surveillance-based harassment. (Info to come.)

What's equally disconcerting is the number of UNCANNY correspondences between my life, interests, ideas, or experiences, and what's going on in world affairs, or what's showing up in media, and how some of these news events are being played out.

Bizarre coincidence? Boundless egotism, on my part? Maybe. I'll let you be the judge. Please stay tuned for some inane harassment adventures.

Me, the politician

Warning: This neurotic post may bore you to tears. For actual updates on surveillance and harassment, please visit again soon. Thanks.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Still sorting stuff out, so I’ll just babble about whatever's percolating right now...

A) Community Taskforce

I'm reneging on an email comment I made a couple of months ago: I've decided to apply as a volunteer for a community taskforce. Crass, blunt, and seemingly antagonistic loudmouths like myself, are probably the last thing they want on this committee. But what the hell - sometimes you need oddballs to keep things lively and happening.

These are the strengths I feel I can offer:

- I'm obnoxious, in my own special way...
- I strive for holistic solutions that I believe are fair and practicable;
- I usually fight for the underdog;
- I embody multiple perspectives and awarenesses by virtue of my identity and experiences;
- No worries about careerism, or my being a 'yes-person'; and finally,
- I lack the finesse of a true politician - this keeps me honest, though often embattled.


B) Family Ties

In wanting to volunteer on a city committee, I find myself recalling comments I've made about my family and the seeming harassment I believe that we - and many others - are all under. I even mentioned quoting from a relative's book in this post. Yet I'd merely sourced quotes by past prime ministers from this person's work, and included them in an email post - not an essay. Call this nepotism, if you want, but where any cause or issue is concerned, I seldom schmooze with, or endear myself to, anybody - not even my own family - hence, my 3-year isolation.


C) Money-Bags, Techno-Wiz, and Materialist

I'll soon be posting some ‘evidence’ of my harassment, with the help of new techno-devices (and $3000-plus growing debt). Yet, reluctant memories of how much 'goss' (as one Aussie friend calls it) a former school friend had once spread about me are coming back to haunt my thoughts.

Rather than presume to know what people think, I’ll just clarify my computer-owning history, for today (other topics soon to come). If you still suspect my surveillance may be due to high-tech crime, or something like that, there’s not much I can say or do to convince you otherwise.

[Flashback to 1999...]

Heading back to school as a 'mature student' (in physical age, if not in other ways), I knew essay-writing would be a nightmare for me, plus I'd previously worked in communications, and had done some desktop publishing, so investing in a computer made sense.

My then-neighbour Keith helped me get a new system for $1200 (?). Probably more than I should've spent, but I was clueless about where to buy a computer, how much they cost, etc. More to Keith's taste, as a techie and a gamer, he suggested I opt for a larger monitor, and he got me a slightly fancier keyboard (at that time). I've used this computer for five solid years, but replaced the hard drive last summer, due to problems.

(Don't know exactly what a hard drive is? I hear you. Grasping even the basics of this miraculous, yet befuddling invention called a 'computer' is a perpetual challenge.)

Anyway, back to this friend... She was a few years younger, and hadn't been out in the work world, yet. So, I think when she saw the computer, she thought I had money to burn. Never mind my used furniture, second-hand clothing, and so on.

Oh, and I had the occasional use of my father's 15-year old, gas-guzzling Oldsmobile. Never mind the fact that many folks commute by car, and I, personally, was having great difficulty being in public spaces. I also wasn't the only one in my faculty, who was reluctant to 'fess up about using a car. But, once again, 'the stickiness factor' kicked in: Asian = business/corporations, Asian = materialism, Asian = polluters, meat-eaters, and so on (see next post, to come).

As I had just come back from living in India for a year, plus I was struggling with school courses, among other things, I was quite a social wreck. Yet, even now, people don't believe how severely depressed and disoriented I was back then - not even my mother. However, this being my eighth year out of permanent work should give a clue as to how long the 'recovery process' has taken me.


Small Things Can Turn Into Big Things

So why harp about these petty details from the past?

Besides my notoriously outspoken ways, and my frustrations with racial pigeonholing, tidbits about my life - or rather, one person's subjective experience of me - became open season for gossip. I sense certain perceptions about me remain as strong as ever, and are probably being twisted all out of proportion, due to my hyper claims of government surveillance. (Like, maybe my folks are selling nuclear secrets, or something. Who knows?)

I don't *know* if people are making such conjectures - I just *feel* it. But rest assured, my coming updates on surveillance won't be nearly so groundless.

Why else might people have wild ideas about me?

Well, 1) I'm obviously guilty of TMI ('Too Much Information') in my emails and listserv posts; 2) I make extreme comments about myself and others - no subject is too sacred; and 3) I tend to come out fighting on topics I feel strongly about, and often create a fracas within groups. (Okay, okay, so I haven't been emotionally well. I wasn’t always like this. All I can say is B.P.D., folks. [1])

One listserv I joined was particularly activist-oriented. Yet, being pretty ‘outside the box’ at school, I was finding people’s assumptions and prejudices painfully limiting, and this tended to affect my email posts: I wanted ACTION!

I'll say it again: I had just come back from a year in India, and had also lived in Asia before that, plus I'd been on a New-Age high and crash-landed big time. So, I was completely out of sorts.

Also, being away from home, one tends to see things anew. Exiled Irish writer James Joyce and his Dublin-based novels (Dubliners, Finnegans Wake, etc) are a classic example of how distance makes for enhanced clarity.[2] As well, I found the school had a certain vortex-like intensity, which magnified social tensions. Honest. This is nobody's 'fault,' it's just the result of putting sensitive, intelligent people together in a political environment.

I've often expressed praise for this place of learning, in spite of any possible discontents I may have had. Sure, I've ranted, at times. Don't we all? But I've seldom gossiped, named names, or poisoned anybody's character or credibility. However, I have tried to counter inaccurate assumptions and judgements I felt others may be making about me: a pointless endeavour.

The sad thing is, I now believe this unique and important bastion of free thought and empowering action has been thoroughly co-opted by intelligence agencies. This seminal institution is suddenly enjoying a much-deserved upswing of bountiful projects, support, funding, cross-border connections, interviews, and media attention - yet I believe the mysterious backings for this divine windfall lie elsewhere.

By observing the social environment at this school, plus my email jousts and personal laments, security bodies lucked out. Knowing how to create social divides and cause shifts in allegiances - something I frequently and inadvertently instigate - is like discovering how to make fire. The potent mix of social judgements and resentments, combined with self-righteousness, can inspire widespread change, and even, move an entire nation. Just ask Adolph Hitler. Nazism didn't start off as a 'terror mentality' - it began with a surge of nationalistic pride, optimism, and buoyancy.

(Seen any of the new TTC ads lately? It's all about you.)

No one may believe me on all this. Yet, it does make sense. In one deft swoop, I believe conservative elites have learned how to parlay both competitive social drives and uneven group dynamics into real power. They’ve also figured out how to capitalize on environmentalism, while reinforcing social hierarchies and oppression, while still looking good in the process. How’s that for killing two birds with one stone? Or is that three?

If you think about it, 'environment' encompasses everything, from geography to biology, forces of nature, food, water, architecture, animals, energy sources...and so on.

PS - I don't speak much about 'natural environments,' as they do just fine without us. It's *our* relationship to nature and various environments that needs addressing.

--------

[1] Labels are limiting - especially in mental health – yet some descriptions of Borderline Personality help me make sense of the chaos.

[2] According to The James Joyce Centre's website, Joyce was also 'concerned with issues such as censorship and cultural identity.'

By the way, Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Use FireFox

If you're not seeing any links in the sidebar of this weblog, please try using Mozilla FireFox or Opera to browse with, instead.

Official stories and media massages

Below is just one example of the many critical and extremely sound arguments that were presented at the Citizens' Inquiry into 9-11 (Phase 2 held in Toronto).

This online video is a must-see: Pentagon Strike.

Electronic surveillance of citizens is no joke

(I'm trying to get more organized, so posts may be sparse for the next while...)

Detailing my seeming surveillance and oppression is tedious. There are so many other issues and news events I'd rather be discussing. Unfortunately, the whole idea of governmental control, harassment, and privacy invasion seems so removed from people's daily lives that very few grasp how critical this subject really is - or how quickly it's all being implemented. So, while I'd love to move on to other topics, I still need to show how electronic surveillance is controlling and influencing all aspects of society, and thus, our collective futures.

Times have changed, and technology is key for the powers-that-be. During the overtly totalitarian regimes of Hitler's Nazi Germany and Mao's Cultural Revolution, much physical maintenance and broad co-operation from countless people were required. Yet, today, with the mere click of a button, a few individuals can spy on and control the lives of many, while creating an illusion of freedom and autonomy.


Information is Power

Internet and email provide a false sense of security and privacy. People's thoughts and actions tend to be more open and less guarded online. And yet, one's entire correspondence, activities, habits, interests, online pictures, contact info and address, financial status, spending, health records, and social networks may be tracked and recorded via digital means. Not to mention the subtle tactics that I've already suggested government operatives are using to sway public opinions with, both on and offline.[1]

The implications of technological eavesdropping are well summarized in this post, below. Based on my own experiences, and judging from articles I've read, some of these are realistic scenarios. Many such 'security measures' are already being introduced, unbeknownst to most:

August 17th, 2004, 09:56 PM
eyespy4u
Re: Don't Fear Internet Anonymity Tools

Well why not have a camera put in your living room so the police can watch your every move? After all your not doing anything illegal, right? This has been a concept discussed by government and police.

While your at it why not allow insurance companies to put a GPS tracking unit on your vehicle, so everywhere you go can be tracked and recorded? For insurance purposes only of course.

Why not allow random strip searches, of women at airports? You don't have anything to hide, right? Why just limit them to airports?

And you could also just sit back and allow every product you buy to be tagged with tracking devices, like Walmart is now doing, along with other major retailers. Which are not shut off when you purchase their products.

Better yet, why not just sign an agreement with the government that states "I hereby agree to give up all my privacy rights to you, because i'm not doing anything wrong or illegal in any way and therefore don't require any privacy from you in any way."

I'll tell you why, because some of us still value their privacy and realize that no matter what you are doing, as long as it is not illegal in any way, it is no one else's damn business, that's why.

Some of us don't feel government has the right to collect information on us, without our knowing about it, and keeping those records indefinitely. Why should a government be allowed to collect information on our private lives under the guise of looking for terrorists or law breakers?

But with the new Victory act looming on the horizon it looks like many more of our freedoms will just be stripped away, again. As if the Patriot act was not enough. So just be prepared to kiss your privacy good bye if your not willing to fight for it. But given the 'who cares' attitude i've seen when it comes to privacy rights, i doubt it many will do much anyway. [Source.][2][3]

U.S. security measures must inevitably affect Canada:

'The wrong stuff: what it takes to be a TSA terror suspect' by John Lettice, The Register (April 7, 2004).

'Hoover's Long Shadow' by Earl Ofari Hutchinson, Pacific News Service (Nov. 25, 2003).

'News Gathering Is Illegal Under New Patriot Act II' by Alex Jones, Rense.com (Nov. 20, 2004).


Interesting snippet from EPIC.org's (Electronic Privacy Information Center) 'USA Patriot Act' page:

* Petition Drive Launched to Protect Reader Privacy. The Campaign for Reader Privacy has been launched by booksellers, authors and librarians. The campaign, which urges concerned citizens to sign a petition to Congress, seeks to amend Section 215 of the PATRIOT Act to "restore the privacy of our bookstore and library records." (April 1, 2004)

National and global data-mining are taking place, without our explicit consent as citizens and consumers. This means all electronic records of our reading habits and personal interests, for example, are being collected en masse; such information can be used by Big Brother, in any way, and at any time.

For no lawful reason whatsoever, one may be thoroughly profiled just for expressing an opinion, subscribing to certain listservs, or simply receiving a random email from a whacko like me. More people than you care to know are climbing on the 'security' bandwagon (or just plain receiving kickbacks) to the point where one's pets may be harmed, or one's car may be tampered with, just as a subtle setback to you for being on the wrong side. (Actually, it's the 'right' side. But night is day, and day is night, where major power abuses are concerned.)

Also, by not signing the missile defence agreement, is Canada simply making a conspicuous and token gesture of independence?

The bottom line is: Canada and the U.S. are merging, and we're rapidly becoming an integral part of the U.S. military complex.


-------

[1] See my various posts on media and moles (use search bar above).

[2] I've seen posts on listservs and in community forums that I suspect are not posted by 'real people,' eg, men conspicuously posing as women, activists who are moles, and so on. Okay, no big surprise. But while most may be genuine, random posts from unconnected folks just doing their thing, what if some aren't? Who's to say that psycho-social response testing isn't being perpetrated on an unsuspecting public? I have good reason to believe some email posts on listservs and in community forums are well-disguised efforts to mould public attitudes and responses, or influence group dynamics. Lists covering such disparate topics as environmentalism, web design, weblog creation, social activism, and so on, are all fair game.

[3] What is the Victory Act? (Unable to find brief summary.)

Also see:

- 'Victory Act would be no victory for public' by Charles Levendosky, Casper Star-Tribune (Aug. 26, 2003).

- 'Bigger Brother?' - MotherJones.com (Aug. 23, 2003).

- 'Attorney General John Ashcroft’s Assault on Civil Liberties' - American Civil Liberties Union (Oct. 30, 2002).*

*(Please see the part about 'postal workers' halfway down. Updates on my constant mail delays and probable searches to come.)

[3] What is the Patriot Act? Also see Slate.com's 'A Guide to the Patriot Act, Part 1.'


Both the Bush and Clinton administrations downplay any foreknowledge of plans to attack the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon. And, despite billions and trillions spent on defense funding - the U.S.'s number one budgetary expense - their aerospace defense (NORAD) and other military forces were completely unable to prevent, or even thwart, the four supposed plane crashes on September 11, 2001. Then, within six short weeks, a powerful and thorough 300-page legislative proposal, namely the Patriot Act, was quickly passed through the U.S. Congress, largely unread by their representatives.

Even just recently I saw an article (was it in Now Magazine or The Toronto Sun?) claiming that the U.S. is still culturally inept, in terms of countering terrorist efforts. Hmm. Considering the U.S. is the largest, richest, most powerful, best militarily equipped, multicultural country in the world, and given that the FBI and CIA probably have the most extensive intelligence operations worldwide, plus their powerful global surveillance technologies, connections within institutions, plants in academia, electronic access to all the critical thinking and graduate theses in the western world, and what they've learned more recently by studying me and observing my clumsy interactions with other social or environmental activists, etc, is it really likely that the U.S. is not up to speed in controlling different communities, cultures, or countries?

Big Brother has got the best enablers of all. They're employing people within various communities (eg, ethnic, activist, queer, etc) as their agents. Plus, they're playing up social pecking orders among different groups - be it based on cultural or regional differences, traditional animosities, religion, language, or what-have-you. Divide and conquer.

Anyway...(big sigh) if I'd been learning more about surveillance, skimming news articles, and watching TV back in 2003, or even 2001, as I'm doing now - instead of dealing with emotional issues, and randomly spouting my views and ideas - perhaps I might've been more circumspect. Now I can see exactly how much I've been feeding into Big Brother's plans, and boosting their ammunition, for the past few years. Ultimately, I have no one to blame but myself for not recognizing how impossible it is to change institutions, society, or basic human nature.

(more info to come)

News to come...

Been so busy philosophizing recently, in my usual wiser-than-thou way, I've been neglecting the updates on my suspected surveillance. Rarely a day or week passes without some form of harassment, or subtle reminders of my surveillers' presence and their sheer power. More news to come...

Free and civil society (1)

It's Your World...

A NEW WORLD ORDER is forming right under our very noses. Yet, the actual methods and mentality are very old.

I strongly believe political theorist Hannah Arendt's observations on human nature's evil ways apply to any and all, especially folks who try to assert widespread control by undermining individual rights, privacy, and freedom. I believe this is called totalitarianism. The problem is, it's being achieved through extremely pleasant and beguiling means (eg, media, entertainment, internet, cellphones, etc).

[Totalitarianism:] A special version of authoritarian control - political or cultural - that invades the individual's private sphere in all aspects of life, and operates by the willing participation of the people in their own oppression. Totalitarianism is often confused with regular tyranny, and shouldn't be: totalitarianism is far more rational, systematic, and invisible than little-fish dictators. Along these lines, totalitarianism could only emerge in the twentieth century, thanks to information technology. There were three in the past hundred years: Stalin's Soviet Union, Hitler's Third Reich, and Mao's People's Republic. Many thinkers see today's global economy and entertainment-based soothing of outrage as the foundations of the next totalitarian system, McWorld.
[Emphasis added; see source.]

The Power of Many

Hannah Arendt's political insights resonate with my own experiences over the past few years, as I'm finding alarming numbers of people are actively supporting, and participating in, a network for supposed 'security'. If you knew how many people I know of, whom I believe have been co-opted by authorities, you'd be truly SHOCKED. Many do it by choice, but some are being extorted.

Please beware of 'Good Cop/Bad Cop' approaches in the news, media, politics, and so on. Also be wary of people who seem to step in just when you, or your organization, need help.[1] Just because people seem friendly or supportive, or things appear glossy, entertaining, and appealing, doesn't mean they're acting in your best interest - now, or in the long run.

In a way, Arendt theorized about primal or psychological drives that exist within all people, which can '[push] to unprecedented extremes murderous fantasies of domination and revenge.' Laws, governments, and legal systems are supposed to help keep these things in check. But what if those very things may be bought, bribed, or bent? [2]

(Hello, Toronto's Union Station deal. [3])

Innovations and improvements to our socio-political systems are good, and much-needed. Yet, corruption and rigging things from the inside are different matters altogether. Our urgent attention to these concerns is necessary.


It Could've Been You

Hannah Arendt's writing and ideas are worth bearing in mind. In particular, her articles and books on the Jewish holocaust, and on Adolf Eichmann - the man who helped schedule an efficient system for mass killings of Jews in Europe, a mere 60 years ago - suggest that such twisted strivings and death-dealing are not limited to any one individual, group, or nation. As one biographer notes:

Her portrayal of a bureaucrat who did his duty and followed orders, rather than a raving ideologue animated by demonic anti-Semitism, was strikingly original. Far from embodying "radical evil," Eichmann exemplified "the banality of evil," Arendt argued - and thus the danger [of race- or supremacy-based murder, genocides, or insidious social control] could not be confined to the political peculiarities of the Third Reich. [Emphasis added; see source.] [4]

Reading Eichmann's Final Plea, I see cowardice, and a profound lack of acknowledgement and accountability, from one who fully wanted to excel in his work. A sick travesty beyond words.

Yet, today, growing numbers of people are helping corrupt authorities create a new totalitarianism. Countless people and communities in Toronto, and elsewhere, are co-operating with Big Brother in supporting deadly agendas, while keeping a nice face on it: same goals, different strategies. [5]

People may later use the same excuses, as Eichmann once did - either in their own minds, or to others. Yet many of them did, and do, have choices. Some actually enjoy the lies, threats, and cruelty. This has been both fascinating and utterly disheartening.

It's strange, for example, that two people whom I suspect of being moles, both studied evolutionary biology and seem to be pretty well connected. [6]

Portents of change are in the air (or food, or water...). It'd help if we paid close attention. The fact is, if we don't exercise our rights as citizens, the demise of real democracy, decency, and basic equality will continue unabated.

Even the worst wars or natural disasters cannot compare to what the future holds. Today, we have unprecedented control over the planet, its natural resources, and all the world's populations. Negative uses and abuses of science and technology are far too common. Beyond ethical concerns, irreversible damage is being done to our rapidly deteriorating ecosystem, and many human and non-human lives are suffering because of this. Add to the mix, global surveillance and all-consuming quests for power, and the common masses are basically doomed - or we will be bought, controlled, and silenced.

Many distractions and deceptive persons will continue to hide the threatening global agendas being developed. Perhaps these are necessary 'survival tactics' that may somehow create socio-political balances in the long run - who knows? They just haven't been good for me.

------------

[1] I myself am guilty of rushing in to help with projects. People were right to distrust me. Yet, I was/am coming from a frantic place of: a) being threatened, b) being politically inept, and hence, angry and frustrated, and c) trying to lessen the possibility of infiltration and control by authorities. What a fool I am, eh?

[2] See the movie Runaway Jury.

[3] Former mayor of Toronto and journalist John Sewell has done excellent coverage on the city's municipal politics. See his Citystate column in eye magazine. (Search 'Union Station.')

[4] Please recall what I've been saying about surveillance, and read Adolf Eichmann's biography (scroll halfway down).

[5] How such vast numbers of people, who are literally as diverse as this very planet, can be so easily co-opted by security bodies is a complex subject. I believe intelligence agencies benefitted from my interest in holistic and transformative learning, co-operatives, circles, and intercultural communications; plus, they've observed my experiences of, and thoughts about, social prejudice. More discussion to come.

[6] Further info on evolutionary biology:

- The Talk.Origins Archive;
- Harvard University's Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology;
- University of Oxford's Evolutionary Biology page;
- Recently created BioBar, a Mozilla FireFox browser extension.
.

Setting standards for a civil society...sort of

What I want to know is, how do we intend to create and maintain a civil, just, and free society under increasing government surveillance, and powerful control by large corporate monopolies?

This is a huge topic, so I'll just dive in by saying these two articles are worth a quick glance... [1]

1) 'Faking Democracy' by Lynn Landes (April 6, 2004)

Written seven months before the U.S. election in November 2004, this piece clearly explains the state of democracy in America, within this new digital age. Ballot-fixing is a real concern, regardless of electronic or manual voting systems. [2]

We've come to accept, and expect, foul play and corruption in our goverments, and from big businesses. Yet, this also means: good-bye freedom and autonomy, good-bye free speech and free thought, good-bye safe and healthy society for ALL, good-bye social integrity, good-bye responsible and lawful governments...and good-bye democracy.

A brighter future? It's your call.

Question and Suggestion: If governments fear the general public are too uninformed, or too easily swayed, to make an intelligent choice, perhaps there should be educational processes and a voter qualifying system. [3] Just a thought.


2) 'Kinsey and the Homosexual Revolution' by Judith Reisman, President of The Institute For Media Education (July 13, 2002)

Having been on a Kinsey kick recently, I'm posting this essay about the disturbing implications of how research data may have been collected for the Kinsey Report. Reisman rightly stresses the dire importance of, and need for, ethics in science and research. An urgent topic - both socially and environmentally.

A key factor in all of this is public perceptions. I've been suggesting for awhile that shifting media patterns may affect our collective way of thinking, now and in the future. Example: I'm noticing loose parodies of unethical research experiments, both past and present, being increasingly woven into TV sitcoms and movies. Coincidence? Maybe.

Sure, it's hilarious. Yet, the overall effect:

a) Takes people's minds off the moral implications;
b) Lessens expectations of professionalism and integrity; and
c) Detaches people from the topic being spoofed.

Sorry to be so vague, but...

Humour's great, and we need more of it! Yet, it can also make important issues seem less so. Like bunny wabbits and other creatures being used for commercial product testing: If we don't see the suffering, why worry about it?

Human guinea pigs are, likewise, a shocking and horrifying fact of life, as Reisman's essay suggests. Besides the mind games and mass manipulation I keep alluding to, do you want to become tomorrow's chemical or biological experiment? [4]

Again, it's your call.


(I know this is all a bit fuzzy, but please bear with me here.)

---------

[1] Certain sites and hard-hitting articles I've posted have disappeared from the internet, so I may have to copy the contents beforehand, so people can still access the information.

[2] Thoughts on democracy and voting processes in both Canada and the U.S. can be found throughout this weblog. Also see:

'Canada's democratic future'
'Questions about U.S. election'
'Voting issues, no news coverage'

[3] Coincidentally, a bill motion has just been put forward to lower the voting age in Canada (article to come).

[4] Mild examples of questionable research practices may be found in want ads, like Now Magazine's classifieds (print version). Read the occasional calls for human research subjects: they don't offer ethical or long-term guarantees. Women have always gotten short shrift in this respect, for various reasons. I also suspect people who participate in mental health services or activities (eg, therapy, groups, etc), or those who may have addictions or addictive tendencies, are being closely and invasively studied - right across North America. (Vancouver seems to be a growing hotspot.)

'Gannon' stoking conservative flamers?

Why doesn't this recent story about a news reporter named 'Jeff Gannon' surprise me? See '"Jeff Gannon" exposed!'

Wildly eclectic, and apparently using a false name, 'Jeff Gannon' (a.k.a. James Gluckert) appears to be the antithesis of all things stereotypically conservative. (Descriptions in the link above almost remind me of me.)

Why is it also of little surprise that FOX News is backing Gannon/Gluckert's creds as a bonafide journalist?

Funny how this gun-toting, ultra-right conservative, White House correspondent supposedly has an out-out-outrageously queer past. (Or present...?)

Remember what I said about the Bush administration making itself queer-friendly? They almost seem to be courting the publicity from this story. And, this is yet another oddly hyped news event, popping up out of nowhere, much like Ward Churchill's recent media flogging.

This also caught my attention:

Let's not forget that it was Gannon who
reported the invasion of Iraq 4 hours before
any other news outlets had the story... [posted by Kim H.]

Note: I haven't confirmed above statement.

More thoughts at 'Undernews: Jeff Gannon Case'.

By the way, the closest-sounding word I could find to Gannon was guenon, 'any of various long-tailed chiefly arboreal African monkeys'; etymology French. Gannon could also be like 'cannon,' which is both phallic and a type of weaponry. *wink* [1]

Hey, don't take me too seriously. I'm just a lunatic who thinks I'm being subjected to surveillance and harassment.

---------------

Afterthoughts:

[1] French, African, monkeys, queer...AIDS? Cannon...boom-boom? I know, it's a stretch - but what the heck. (See other posts.)

Queers and politics

Mary Cheney and Ward Churchill: two Colorado-based renegades at opposite ends of the socio-political spectrum, yet both are equally intriguing.

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's openly queer daughter Mary Cheney remains an enigma. In my view, she either secretly identifies as a guy - in which case, her politics and actions don't contradict with those of most right-wing elites, at all - or, she's obeying her father, family, social class, and political upbringing over her own physical identity, and the differences that she represents, as a strong, independent, intelligent, career-minded, autonomous, woman-loving-woman kind of person.

News articles in progressive media point out Mary Cheney's confounding support of the U.S. Republicans' anti-gay platform and corresponding legislation, yet few seem to ask basic questions about her orientation from a psychological perspective.

Analyzing Cheney's personal and political life, and her lack of pushing the envelope, isn't my interest. What concerns me is how BIG queerdom is going to factor into future North American politics. Beyond the same-sex marriage issue, focusing on alternative sexualities is a powerful way to manipulate and divide the voting public.

Sex sells, right?

Conservatives in both Canada and the U.S. will likely build-up support by pandering to people's traditional or close-minded views of sexuality and gender (think Christian fundamentalists and recent immigrants with old-world values).

Yet, in the very same stroke, I believe the Right will create indirect opportunities to flirt with Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) communities, and appear more 'queer-friendly' - or, at least, less rigid. Consistent emphasis by media on how close Mary Cheney and her partner Heather Poe are to the Cheney family is a case in point. Yet, watch for an overall trend.

If all the above go according to plan, I believe some progressives may even feel comfortably reassured and unthreatened by Republicans and the Bush administration in the U.S., and by Stephen Harper and the New Conservatives in Canada. I'm seeing signs of it already.

I'm not even including the bitter reality of active government infiltration and influencing of queer and progressive communities, right here in Toronto.

Remember: carrot 'n' stick, carrot 'n' stick... Guess who's the stick, in this case? Osama et al - source of all evil. Yet 'Good Cop/Bad Cop' roles are fluid, so they can easily shift (see posts below).

Prime Minister Paul Martin and former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney may also have more in common than we realize. Whether people clue into it or not, the Liberals are facilitating close political, cultural, economic, and military ties to the U.S. With the Liberal party suddenly, and ardently, in favour of same-sex marriage, all the bases are covered - from a conservative, elitist, corporate point of view.


Please see other posts:

'Hello, Mr. Carrot and Mr. Stick'
'Canada-U.S.: Marriage at last'
'Equality mirage'
'Mark Lombardi: Global Networks'
'Many truths'

------------------------------------------------------------

Ultra-Conservative Queers

Though it behooves many conservatives, queer folks do exist within their flock. Remember the Kinsey scale?

Mary Cheney, her partner, and probably some of their peers are a few examples. But at the furthest extreme, there are also gay neo-Nazis. As I've pointed out before - much to the consternation of some in the queer community - being gay does not necessarily mean one is politically progressive. Flamboyance can mask ulterior agendas.

There are queers with supremacist views and ideals.[1] Unfortunately, working class queers, who come from broken homes, had abusive childhoods, and may perhaps have a penchant for S&M, are easy recruits for hate-mongering factions. Intelligence agencies and right-wing fundamentalists are both known to support these kinds of groups, indirectly. Not a topic I wish to explore, but just be aware that this isn't as unlikely or uncommon a reality, as one may think. Especially right now.

More discussion to come...

-----

[1] I don't mean to paint a one-dimensional view. The moles, plants, and enablers I keep referring to are of all types and backgrounds - believe me. I believe rapid increases in the number of moles, and their broadened social diversity, are a direct result of illegal surveillance of myself and many others, during the past few years.

Shifting focus: Churchill vs. Cheney

Is it just me - or is there something wrong with this picture?

In examining companies like Halliburton, 60 Minutes showed how some major U.S. corporations do backdoor business with Iraq. Aired last August, 'Doing Business with the Enemy,' discusses how an investigation began when furious New York City firefighters and police learned part of their pensions are being invested in Halliburton and other companies having sizable military and petrochemical contracts in Iraq and elsewhere.[1]

Formerly headed by current U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney,
Halliburton is known to have questionable financial records, has bilked taxpayers by millions, has been profiting from war for over 70 years, and has large contracts in Iraq's rebuilding process to the tune of possibly billions of dollars.[2]

See OnlineJournal.com's commentary, some not-so-far-out thoughts on Halliburton and Carlyle Group, and On Lisa Rein's Radar: Bye-Bye Cheney.[3]

Instead - the American public and media are absolutely *outraged* at Professor Ward Churchill's harsh critique of U.S. politics. In 'Some People Push Back: On the Justice of Roosting Chickens,' Churchill argues that the downing of the World Trade Center's twin towers was an inevitable result of U.S. corporate and military imperialism abroad. Not an uncommon view - yet the media is suddenly pulverizing the guy for having written a controversial, yet fairly obscure, essay, which was penned right after the 9-11 attacks.

Ward Churchill is not a government official; this paper is simply one man's opinion.

Funny how news articles emphasize Churchill's salary and pay cut, while playing up the fact taxpayers are supporting 'hate-mongering' academics.[4] U.S. Republicans are also calling for Professor Churchill's dismissal from the University of Colorado in Boulder.[5]

If ever you had any doubts about the power of media, and who or what controls it, please lay them to rest. Corporate America's message to progressives, critical thinkers who question the status quo, and especially to 'Ethnic Studies' people is clear: toe the line, or else.


Recent Articles:

'Ward Churchill: Enemy Of The State' by Bob Newman, mensnewsdaily.com (Feb. 18, 2005)

'Ward Churchill's pickup vandalized' by Hector Gutierrez, Rocky Mountain News (Feb. 3, 2005)

See people's responses on FreeRepublic.com


Forget about hate-mongering. What about the people actively responsible for starting wars, killing large numbers of people, silencing or murdering those who get in the way of their plans, and developing weapons of mass destruction for profit?

---------

[1] 60 Minutes' exposé parallels arguments I'd made on a school listserv in 2000. People's righteous attitudes about global and corporate responsibility can often be shortsighted. I pointed out that many people, or their parents (who may be supporting their offsprings' education), have pensions or own mutual funds, which support companies that may have: a) unethical business practices, or b) foreign contracts or investments that are seriously compromising our planet's well-being.

[2] More about Dick Cheney: the fifth estate's 'The Unauthorized Biography of Dick Cheney,' supplementary site, unofficial profile of Dick Cheney (informative), and Answers.com.

[3] Since my surveillance began, intelligence agencies have found it ridiculously easy to recruite moles. Many people who seek truth, or question the 'official line,' are going to be closely monitored and infiltrated. People whose sites I've posted on this weblog are an example of likely targets. Yes, it's that insidious. 'Big Brother' can track the site and author, study your habits, put a few friendly folks in your path, or co-opt your friends/colleagues, and bang: they have a lock on you. Nazism worked the exact same way - yet without digital conveniences.

Note: Several important links and one article I've posted have mysteriously gone offline.

[4] Is Ward Churchill's overall position, and his essay about September 11, really 'hate-mongering'? Judge for yourself. See also 'Johnson: Churchill not alone in pointing accusatory finger,' and posts from February 21 and February 22.

[5] Much is also made of Ward Churchill supposedly not being Aboriginal. Found this Wikipedia page; it's created on January 29, 2005 - after news of Churchill's essay exploded into headlines. It does a very good job of undermining his credibility. Attacks on his identity have mainly been levelled by top American Indian Movement (AIM) representatives, who, themselves, could be government plants or converts. Ironically, I happened to have discussed Aboriginal identity issues with two acquaintances, who are part Aboriginal, during my surveillance. Will also post articles later about the prevalence of government moles in native communities.


PS - To Ward Churchill, they may also be messing with your health.

Phenom...what?

Just came across this line in a site about phenomenologists: 'philosophical ideas cut across political affiliation.'

I'd never read anything about phenomenology before (didn't know what it was), but last week, I heard it mentioned on a popular American talk show, during which three calls from Canada were fielded in a row. I found this unusual.

According to this research methods site, 'phenomenology explores the structures of consciousness in human experiences.'

What is phenomenology?

Wiki definition.

More about phenomenology from Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

About the School of Brentano.

Browsing through all this erudite stuff, I can appreciate why I and others, who challenge oppression and advocate for socio-environmental change, or who may simply be part of progressive communities, would be surveilled so intensely.

The spin on Ward Churchill

More articles about Ward Churchill's amazing leap to centrestage:

'The fuss about Ward Churchill' by Linda Sue Grimes, BellaOnline

'Prof Resigns as Department Chair Amid Furor Over 9/11 Remarks' - Fox News Channel (Associated Press; Jan. 31, 2005)

Notice how the U.S. Republican right is suddenly using the exact same words, ideas, and even social protest tools and actions, as the left?[1] Amazing.


The 'Little Eichmanns'

Excerpt from Amy Goodman's radio interview with Ward Churchill on Democracy Now!:

Ward Churchill: Well it goes to Hannah Arendt's notion of Eichmann, the thesis that he embodied the banality of evil. That she had gone to the Eichmann trial to confront the epitome of evil in her mind and expected to encounter something monstrous, and what she encountered instead was this nondescript little man, a bureaucrat, a technocrat, a guy who arranged train schedules, who, as it turned out, ultimately didn't even agree with the policy that he was implementing, but performed the technical functions that made the holocaust possible, at least in the efficient manner that it occurred, in a totally amoral and soulless way, purely on the basis of excelling at the function and getting ahead within the system that he found himself. He was a good family man, in his way. He was loved by his children, participated in civic activities, was in essence the good German. And she [Arendt] said, therein lies the evil. [...] anyone in this sort of mindless, faceless, bureaucratic capacity could be the Nazi. That he was every man...was what was truly horrifying to her in the end. [Source.][2]

Media's political smearing of Ward Churchill as 'treasonous,' based on his Eichmann remarks (see end) actually makes comfortable allies of corporate Jewish Americans and former Nazi Germany. Pretty wild. It's kind of like Jewish political theorist Hannah Arendt's love affair with pro-Nazi philosopher Martin Heidegger, pre- and post-World War II: partnerships are possible, in spite of profound ideological differences.[3]

See my other post, Media contrasts and coincidences: Jan to Feb.'[4]


Of Puppets and Pawns

I have reason to believe the uproar about Ward Churchill's writings was a pre-planned event intended to distract people from the U.S. Republican party's responsibility in:

a) Having foreknowledge about the September 11th attacks, and (deliberately?) failing to act;

b) Having senior U.S. officials who have profited from both the 9-11 aftermath and the resulting wars; and

c) Launching two major wars on Afghanistan and Iraq, where countless civilians have died.


Even Hamilton College's original invitation to Professor Churchill, the sudden 'discovery' of his 3-year old article ('Some People Push Back: On the Justice of Roosting Chickens'), and their present stance on supporting 'free speech' are worth questioning.

Watch out America: media hype and distortion, plus political corruption, are kicking into third gear.


Academia in the Real World

I heard Ward Churchill speak at a Racism and National Consciousness conference in October 2003. I had posed a few questions, and talked openly about surveillance and harassment, social representation in media, and so on. My mentally-handicapped uncle Joseph died two weeks later, under suspicious circumstances. I had predicted his passing.[5]

Funnily enough, a relative of mine (by marriage) attended a job interview in Hamilton, Ontario, last March, which I also suspected was a set-up.[6] Lack of seriousness given to the job interview - considering this person was one of three people shortlisted for a departmental chair position - was unbelievable. Yet, I wasn't surprised, having had doubts about this being a 'real' interview beforehand (not because of my relative's capabilities). Afterwards, this relative was offered a ride to Toronto by a man named Killingsworth; his area of specialization includes CRTC regulation. How curious is that?

There's more to this mini-saga, which may shed light on cross-border strategies, Canada-U.S. cultural integration, and so on, but I'll try to limit my wild theorizing for today.


All-Knowing Technologies

If my family's emails are being tapped, which I believe they are, and my relatives were subsequently surveilled (due to our uniqueness, and NOT for criminal wrongdoing, for the last time!!!), much could be discerned about each of us.

I had quoted from this relative's work in an email I sent five years ago. [Actually, I had sourced quotes by past Canadian prime ministers that happened to be in this person's book. It's not nepotism, it was just convenient.]

That same year, I also responded to a listserv post that called on students to protest a visit by a foreign ambassador, believed to have ties to ultra right-wing groups in Europe. I replied that hotbeds of hate groups exist right here in Canada, so why don't we work together to counter oppression and support common causes by starting within the university and working outwards. (Uh-oh...)

Regrettably, my bold ideas and challenging style tend to silence or threaten people, shutdown discussion, and may even foster apathy or despair. This has been powerful learning for Big Brother.

-------

[1] I don't personally believe in a 'right' or 'left,' but it's an easy way to refer to long-standing political groups and ideological positioning. In my view, real transformation requires holistic knowledge and action. Yet, in my naivete, I didn't realize how unscrupulous ultra-conservative elites can be in appropriating people's ideas and experiences, and applying these towards a rather nasty master plan.

[2] More about Hannah Arendt: her bio, work summarized, wiki page, quotes, and more quotes.

[3] Martin Heidegger apparently 'foresaw the computer [and internet], what he called the "language machine," explains Samuel Ebersole in Media Determinism in Cyberspace (1995).

[4] If you really want to get deep, check out: 'A Glossary of Jungian Terms' by Craig Chalquist (scroll to 'Some history...').

[5] My uncle Joseph may have been mentally handicapped, yet he embodied innocence and was loved by all. His sensitive spirit often reminded me that beauty has many forms.

[6] What's up in Hamilton? Well, their Brain Bee , for one thing. (See post 'I'm a slooow learner.')

More editing...

Being long-winded and unable to focus, it takes me MANY drafts to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say!

So I just updated 'Food and water, givers of life,' and 'Media contrasts and coincidences: Jan to Feb' - again.

Certain people may also be interested in edits to 'Computing your way to freedom?' I don't expect to be believed, but I thought I'd clarify, anyway.

PS - Yes, I'm pretty intuitive. That's partly why the government found me interesting: I can sense others' responses in certain situations, particularly if they're negative or painful ones. And no, I've never spied or eavesdropped on anyone else's email.

Surveillance and silencing

Wish I could stick to one topic: surveillance. Yet understanding this complex issue requires reading my long-winded, baseless theories and self-centred thoughts, as these indirectly convey the why's and how's of government surveillance and harassment, plus general invasion of people's privacy.

My critiques of different people and cultures, for example, have benefitted my surveillers greatly. Famous political prisoner Mumia Abu-Jamal recently mentioned in a taped interview how Muslim people were being tortured and imprisoned, to force them to spy upon, and betray, their own communities.[1][2]

Unfortunately, by listening to my various commentary, and observing my constant encounters with prejudice, intelligence agencies have learned how to achieve the same results - on a very broad scale. They're now adept at pitting people and groups against one another, with just a few well-placed words, incentives, or subtle pressures.


Academics and Social Critics Beware

Recent developments of aboriginal academic and activist Ward Churchill being asked to step down as Chair of Ethnic Studies at University of Colorado, Boulder are fascinating. Churchill may even be forced to give up his tenured position.

The professor's comments about victims of the September 11th attacks, among other things, were controversially-worded. Yet, the sudden political pressure being placed on this outspoken, yet relatively harmless academic is inexplicable, and ironic.[3] I'll discuss the relevance of all this, later.

'Political Animal' by Kevin Drum examines political and media dimensions of this well-hyped affair (Washington Monthly; Feb. 25, 2005).

This is the essay for which Professor Ward Churchill is resigning his position, and may even be fired from the University of Colorado:

'Some People Push Back: On the Justice of Roosting Chickens' (Churchill; Sept. 12, 2001). Updated version here.

Churchill has written extensively about Aboriginal genocide in North Amerca. He has been under FBI surveillance for a long time. His first wife died in an untimely car accident. None of the news articles mention these facts, as possibly influencing his decision to resign as Chair of his department. Why this sudden fury about his work, anyway?

Michael K. Smith's essay, 'Ward Churchill's Real Sins,' compellingly dissects Churchill's notions around free speech and theories of compliance in Nazi Germany (Feb. 8, 2005). I agree with certain ideas from both Smith and Ward.

Smith's essay offers insight into the current War Against Terrorism, propaganda, and public apathy. Indirectly, it gives clues as to how and where we as citizens of supposedly free and democratic countries should focus our efforts, if we want good governance and lasting peace.

The debacle around Ward Churchill is a clear sign that anyone questioning the events of 9-11 and the 'Official Story' - particularly people from marginalized groups - will be in for rough times.

-------

[1] Excerpt from freemumia.org: 'Mumia Abu-Jamal is a renowned journalist from Philadelphia who has been on death row since 1981 for allegedly shooting Philadelphia police officer Daniel Faulkner. Mumia has received international support over the years in his efforts to overturn his unjust conviction.'

[2] Brief bio on Mumia (same as above). The case of Mumia Abu-Jamal' by Terry Bisson. More on supporting Mumia; his commentaries and Freedom Journal.

[3] Check out articles on Professor Ward Churchill's and Professor Nancy Rabinowitz's respective resignations from key posts:

'Prof quits chair over 9/11' - DenverPost.com (Feb. 1, 2005)

- Ward Churchill gets blamed for criticizing corporate America's part in provoking international retaliation; yet, as a 60 Minutes news program has shown in 'Doing Business with the Enemy,' New York City firefighters and police were outraged to discover part of their pensions are being invested in American companies doing business in Iraq, which includes military contracts - Halliburton being a prime example. Are any of those big-wigs facing any media heat, major protests, or resigning their positions? Ridiculous. [Edit: See 'The spin on Ward Churchill.']

'College official resigns after furor over guest speaker' - WBOC-TV (Feb. 21, 2005)

'N.Y. professor loses post over Churchill controversy' - DenverPost.com (Feb. 11, 2005)

9-11 truth: Campaign sites

Apologies to 9-11 activists and truth-seekers. I've replaced a highly reactionary link under, 'hello, 9-11,' with UnansweredQuestions.org. Lots of info.

There's more than enough factual data and anomalies to prove a cover-up, and put forward a solid case. I suspect communicating all the information to ordinary citizens, and building momentum for legal action and proper government review is the real challenge.

Another organization to pay attention to is Lawyers Against the War.

Also, an intelligent review of Fahrenheit 9-11.

Identity issues

A huge topic I'll comment on later is: cultural identity.

Last week being the Lunar New Year (commonly referred to as Chinese New Year), I didn't know if I should broach this subject. It's not a significant occasion, for me, but I imagine other people may assume it's meaningful, given my seeming pro-Asian bent. (pro-Asian, or just anti-oppression?)

We started observing this event in the past few years. My mother and I went out for dinner - that was our 'big celebration.' We also ended up visiting with my step-grandmother, a few days later, due to her recent upset with her tenant-roommate.

Christmas is our main family gathering - although I missed three out of four recent celebrations, due to my surveillance, depression, anger, and feeling seriously misunderstood. We've started doing Kris Kringle (each person receives one gift, and gets a gift for someone else), which is nice: it keeps things simple, so one can enjoy the spirit of the holiday season (Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and so on). I try not to accept monetary gifts. Being unemployed is bad enough; I don't need to feel more ashamed, obligated, and dependent.

Four key reasons why I had a major falling out with my relatives are: surveillance and harassment, my emotional unwellness, politics of gift-giving, and chauvinism. Loooong story.

Writing a new reality: Peter C. Newman

Great quotes on politics, etc, by journalist and author Peter C. Newman.

Tribute to Lois Hole

This is a fitting tribute to the late Lois Hole, drawing from her own words and insights; it's simple, honest, and sincere.

Too bad those who may have strategized the whole media hoopla and regional outrage over Adrienne Clarkson's absence had to mar Lois Hole's passing, and turn it into a negative occasion. (Kind of like me, come to think of it: angry, negative, and destructive.)

I'm not endorsing the Governor General's inaction. If Clarkson is doing a poor job, give her the boot. If the position is costly and unnecessary, as some say, then go ahead and cut it. I'm simply trying to understand the timely machinations that lead up to this well-hyped and divisive event. I believe there will be many more to come.

(Also, if I don't sound like the bleeding-heart liberal I once was, believe me, I have good reasons.)


Going South

If you want Canada to become a U.S. subsidiary, with just a different flag, then make that choice in an informed way, and help shape the outcome.

I can still remember the shock, despair, and utter disbelief when former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and the Progressive Conservatives pushed through the Canada-U.S. free trade agreement - without consultation, and in spite of valid, widespread, well-reasoned concerns from so many groups, organizations, farmers, workers, and so on (over 1500 organizations country-wide signed a petition - including some major ones).* Slam, bam, thank you, folks, for putting us in a position to do this. People's voices meant NOTHING. As this trend continues, people will still be shaking their heads, wondering how it all happened.

*Note: Sometimes I'm deliberately vague for a reason.

If you voted Conservative in the 1988 election, please find out if and how Canada has benefitted from free trade, or if the country has been fundamentally undermined, due to lack of public input. Try talking to people who work in industries other than your own - especially those sectors that are key to Canada's physical survival and prosperity (natural resources, agriculture, etc). Neither blind conservatism or blind liberalism will be much help, dude.

Legal and electoral systems exist for a reason: use it or lose it.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Variety of Information on Free Trade:

'Keeping Canada Independent' - The Claire Foss Journal

Canada - United States Free Trade Agreement (FTA) - Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada

Canada - US Free Trade Agreement (1989) - Historica

Canada - US Free Trade Agreement (1989) - Texas A&M University

'The Canada-U.S. Free Trade Agreement: Now or Never'* by Michael I. Krauss

NAFTA - Public Citizen: Protecting Health, Safety & Democracy

The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) - U.S. Department of Agriculture: Foreign Agricultural Service

*Note: Krauss' 1988 pro-free trade policy analysis and theoretical arguments have not been borne out. Monopolies continue, stronger than ever; competition has not improved; the economy, employment, farmers and manufacturers have not benefitted. (Believe me, I've been seeing it first-hand in this city, but continuing company closures and outsourcing of work should be clear indicators. Canada is clearly heading towards the totally dependent, socially and economically polarized, ghetto state that many predicted.)

Saw an excellent article on all this (searching...).

Faxes can be tampered with

Part 1: The Applicant Always Rings Twice

I got off my butt last week, and tried applying for jobs. Went to my usual trouble. Carrying my heavy backpack with me everywhere (my main records of surveillance), I shuffle to various places, taking my usual precautions: anonymizing my internet access and job sites I visit, deleting cover letters I write, and instead of using *free* resources at an employment centre, I fax from places like Kinko's. Why? To try and deter illegal eavesdropping, or even non-delivery, of my faxes. But I don't think it makes any difference.

I'll explain later the many ways that one's computer files can get read. I'm not exactly sure how, or when, it's happening; I just know my information is never private.

What does it matter if the government eavesdrops on my faxes?

I learned from radio interviews on CKLN 88.1 FM that CSIS agents actually pretend to know the suspect in question, then, ply people for information, or cast aspersions on that person's character. I recall one case involving a Toronto Muslim man, whom I believe was arrested for being a terrorist suspect. Everything his wife described in the interview sounded so much like what I seem to be experiencing.

My point is, intelligence bodies can say anything about me, and make it appear as if I'm a wrong-doer or criminal. They might say, 'Did this applicant apply here, and try to tell you...blah, blah, blah.' Who the hell would hire me after getting a call from the authorities?

I know I'm unwell; I've botched my own share of opportunities. But, in most cases, organizations I apply to should know nothing about me, nor be prejudiced in any way by my personal interests, activities, or disposition.

Here's a recent example of fax freakiness:

I faxed five organizations last week. Yesterday, I called one place to make sure the application got there. I find out it never reached the human resources person. Strange, considering I had even called the day I faxed it in (Feb. 8), and left a message. I also have the fax confirmation slip, plus an audio recording of my call to the organization. (Am I desperate, or what?)

Now, you could say, oh, these things happen. Yes, they certainly do. And they happen to me a lot. I've been suspecting 'problems' like this for over two years. Yet, this is the first proof I have of things going astray.

There's more. Yesterday, at 1:00pm, I finally cleared space in my voicemail box, in case I get called for an interview. (It's been full since January 21; I save many of my phone messages - for back up.)

Less than 12 hours later, my voicemail is full again. I've got two new calls: one from a number I don't know (no message), and this second call...(wait 10 secs):

Whenever I clear out a few messages, my voicemail gets filled, almost immediately, with calls from people I don't know. It's been like this for about two years.*

Hard luck, I guess. Or maybe I'm just popular.


*Note: Phone clicking began in 1998, and followed me from my mother's home to the first apartment I lived at (1999 to 2000), then, to the second apartment (2000 to present). Crank and wrong number calls began in early 2001.

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Part 2: Fictionalizing Trauma

You may not know the stress I've been through, but hopefully, some may appreciate why I'm so mistrustful and paranoid, and how part of my anger is being actively provoked.

Since 2000, I've been to see over ten different therapists. Several practitioners saw me regularly, for a time. Yet, only one was willing to listen to my phone messages (many of which I haven't posted, yet).

Can you imagine seeing someone, week after week, and telling them that you're being harassed, yet neither the therapist, or anyone else, believes you?

When they ask for proof, I sound like an idiot, when I say: Well, I don't have heat, my neighbour bangs and slams things, I get these phone calls, people say strange things to me, I have internet problems and email spam...and, um, my mother's things break down on specific days, strange incidents are happening to people I know, and certain people have gotten ill or died.

Uh-huhh...NUTCASE.

Recent editing

I edited these posts: 'Food and water, givers of life' (February 10) and 'Brad and Jen: Moving millions' (January 26).

Notes on Kinsey

Hollywood has a long history of censorship.[1] Some may be aware that 'the Hollywood system' actively reinforces certain social and political values.[2] One obvious example is that most or many of Hollywood's most famous leading men are, or have been, homosexuals. Yet, the public never knows about this, at the time. Quite an illusion.

Given this context, and Edward S. Herman and Noam Chomsky's classic work, Manufacturing Consent, here are four tiny details I noted about the film, Kinsey:

a) Director's name is Bill Condon. (Um, okay. Name-play on words has been part of both my surveillance and news events I've highlighted (see 'Gay Abbate,' more to come.)

[Edit: I also saw him being referred to as Willy Condon in a mainstream news magazine.]

b) Director Bill Condon has been working in television for 20-plus years. It's his first Hollywood film, yet he seems to have much pull and support. Kinsey is also up for an Oscar, which most people wait a lifetime to be nominated for.

c) Bill Condon 'told [reviewer Roger] Ebert, “but they [Motion Picture Association] thought it was a serious and informative film and they passed it with no cuts” - in spite of graphic sexuality and homosexual scenes (see Plugged In review, below).

d) Actor Laura Linney is cast as the wife. No significance there, but...

Last week, I happened to be watching Frasier and noticed three odd things: i) an