Life is a journey

Now that I'm getting more balance back (er, sort of...), I can see why people think what they do about me. My only defense is: I was spinning out in my own f*cking universe!! I've also been through a helluva lot of stress, and I've learned a whole new set of life skills, as a result.

Contrary to what readers, here, may think:

• I used to be a well-liked person, and fairly well-adjusted. All of my dearest friends remain so, yet I've had to distance myself, due to the surveillance.
  
  (Note: After a couple of years, I realized my friends were being watched anyway, so I resumed contact with some, though cautiously.) [1]
  
  
• Both my parents are honest, straightforward individuals - sometimes too much so. People have often appreciated and relied upon either my mother or my father for their frank, trustworthy, and reliable natures. They aren't perfect by any means, but they're definitely not shady or wily (or convoluted, like how I've become).
  
  
• Moreover, my folks have always sought to treat people as equals. While they may have been socialized in certain ways, and thus, have inherent biases or social tendencies - they do each strive for a higher good, within their limited capacities. Both my parents are intellectually open-minded (though my father leans towards conservative values), and they are sensitive enough to recognize social disparities and unjust realities - plus they have their own experiences to draw from. Overall, they're pretty good people. I have been a shame and a disappointment to my parents, and to my whole family - and indeed, a betrayer of my own race. [2] (So were Hitler and Jesus, in a way.) Yet, things eventually do come full circle - or so I've been told. I'm trying hard to believe in this maxim, having no other power at my avail. Since I have seemingly and inadvertently helped Big Brother undermine public power and autonomy, and thereby, achieve almost global control, I can only trust that the Divine Plan is somehow unfolding as it should be. [3]
  
  (Note: 2001 to 2003 marks the beginning of a major political paradigm shift. This has been partly developed through my surveillers' study of my somewhat unique life, personal experiences, various rants, and topsy-turvy ways. For example, as I ventured out into the world, I learned about imperialism from different perspectives, and also the effects of economic imperialism (see end of page) - particularly as these may relate to different nations, cultures, ethnic groups, and so on. Like, my being seen as a 'Japanese tourist' in developing countries, and learning about Chinese diasporic experiences in different regions, and so on, have all helped to shape my understanding of economics, culture, and imperialism. [4] Having worked in Asia, I've also been critical of China's autocratic regime, the hegemony in Chinese culture, the social intolerance, lack of environmental stewardship, and so on. It's like Confucianism got stuck in a 400-year old rut!! [5])
  
  
• My extended family are upright, decent, regular people. I will refrain from mentioning them on here, again.
  
  
• I may have a seemingly twisted mind, now - but such things can be learned. I've always been a deep thinker. Yet, some of my 'survival adventures' and several years of (racist, inhumane) surveillance would teach any desperate person a whole lot more about the complexities of life and power politics. [6]
  
  (Note: I've never been the kind to have nasty thoughts about people (without cause), or imagine really sick things in my mind. But I've come into a whole new phase of being, these past few years. I'm now trying to refind my core self.)
  
  
• I'm not able to hide my emotional sh*t, as most people can and do. My thoughts and feelings are right out there, readily seen by all - except perhaps my grief and sorrow, which remain deeply submerged.
  
  
• As belligerent and reactive as I may be now, I did seek love, peace, and beauty in the world before. How very naive I was.

I started off this post wanting to rant about how grievously misunderstood I feel - and have felt. [7] Yet, my time and energy could be spent more productively. I have to get back on track with my life, make amends, and do whatever little I can to help make this world a better place.

However, it wouldn't be *me*, if I didn't end this post with one last neurotic display of insecurity. Below are some pics and visuals from different periods of my life.

***

I once felt the world's problems deeply. The 1980s saw the threat of the Cold War reach its peak. I wrote this poem in 1986 (though the background was created in 1984).

'Mourning Dove'

My pro-peace, justice-seeking ways and various activism continued into my university days.

Hallowe'en costumes

My marketing efforts went from doing variety shows and the high school Spring Formal, to helping to create posters and slogans for my first roommate's floor rep campaign, and pursuing various other projects and causes on campus (eg, petitioning free trade, disability awareness, etc). The university experience was good for me, in terms of *ideas* - but not scholastically.

I used this hand-wringer, in conjunction with my Wonder Washer, to do laundry. [8] In this photo, you can also see that my bathtub has no shower curtain: I sat in the tub to shower and bathe for three years - not easy. When I say I was feeling 'financially desperate,' I'm not hyping things up. Being supported by my mother, I was and am conscious of every extra expense. When I wasn't suffering overwhelming depression, I did try to find work, contrary to most people's assumptions about me. [9] [10]

(Note: I am not a user - I always try to give more than I take in anything that I may do or be involved in.)

Hand-wringer

(Note: Water has become a key focus, ever since Ontario's province-wide power outage in August 2003.)

My messy place before creating a home bar.

My home bar (1)

My home bar (2)

(Note: These bottles were empties that I got from local bins; I filled them with water and food colouring.)


I've always been a bit of a lush (just joking). Well, I did use to carry pocket-sized liquor bottles to school, and I have a couple of flasks floating around somewhere: I could definitely hold my alcohol. Too bad I can't drink so much now. Perhaps that's why becoming a bartender turned into such an all-out goal for me - I love mixing cocktails, and I enjoy seeing others have a blast! This Andy Capp comic strip used to be taped inside my locker.

From about 1996 onward, I noticed my language skills started going downhill, while I was working in Asia. I also felt my jaw shift inward in 1998. (I'd had several teeth removed in childhood, and dentists have noted how small my mouth is.) Being a native English speaker, and speaking only English at home, and so on, I know that my verbal struggles and variances in speech are mostly due to causal factors (eg, my jaw, ADD, constantly speaking to non-English speakers abroad, etc) and also some psychological ones. But no one believes me, of course. Yet, you can see how indented my mouth is, below. There is no greater frustration for a talkative person, like myself, than to have difficulty speaking (arghh!). (Note: I'm very neurotic about this point.)

Me, the wannabe bartender, with my former neighbour's cat. This is the friendliest and most affectionate cat I've ever met - bar none! I did eventually get hired as a bartender at a number of respected venues. Yet, I probably lack the organization, deftness, and circumspect control needed to make bartending a satisfying long-term endeavour - plus, I was angry and emotionally distressed about being surveilled and harassed by government moles, who are everpresent.

(Note: I'll eventually post more pics here. If you're wondering why I haven't included snaps of me at my most queer (or punk and blitz, for that matter), it's because most of my photos aren't handy. Also, in more recent pictures, there are those whom I'm being photographed with to consider.)


People would never believe my experiences in a million years. As of today, however, I've given up on this foolish and pointless expectation. Life is what it is. Perhaps I simply need to be more positive, loving, and centred, as a person. I won't say grounded exactly, because I will always be a dreamer at heart.

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[1] I'll be posting some email messages from friends to show that weird stuff is going on, and that completely innocent people are likely being interfered with.

[2] The tragic losses and sudden illnesses of various people have been hitting me pretty hard, believe it or not. I may post a recording of the last funeral I attended.

[3] Since 2001, intelligence agencies have been studying my eclectic interests in holistic health, alternative medicine, bodywork, energy healing, spirituality, and so on. I'm not all that unique. Yet, the personal development methods and natural techniques that I pay attention to usually do work - they're not hocus-pocus. Plus, with my activist bent, I always strive to support the underdog (eg, proprietors of health food stores, small businesses in the alternative health field, grassroots community development, and so on). Now, Big Brother is closely exploring natural health and spiritual beliefs across cultures.

[4] It's ironic that I've never studied or researched most of the subjects that I discuss in this blog. I'm learning new things, as I write about them on here. Some of it confirms what I've been seeing, sensing, and experiencing in the world all along.

More on imperialism from different perspectives:

• 'The Age of Imperialism'
  
  
• 'The Age of Imperialism' (U.S.)
  
  
• 'The New Imperialism'
  
  
• 'Imperialism Resources'
  
  
• 'Lenin: Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism'

And also see economic imperialism...

• 'Economic Imperialism' - Interview with Gary Becker, 1992 Nobel Laureate in economic science.
  
  
• 'The history of economic imperialism and globalization'
  
  
• Economic Imperialism: The Problem of the Free Trade Proposed in the FTAA

[5] I'll be sharing off-the-cuff thoughts and feelings about China and Chinese culture - such as its political oppression, social debasement, environmental disregard, material fixation, cultural stagnation, lack of spiritual upliftment, and so on - later. Taoism seems like a good counterbalance to Confucian values and its habituated dogma.

Note: I grew up with almost no knowledge about my cultural ancestry. My folks never really talked about it (they came to North America in the 50s to study university here, and some of my relatives are several generations Canadian, etc), and I had no interest in learning more. Yet my consciousness-raising years at university aroused some desire to become more 'whole.' Like many graduates, I travelled abroad, yet I ended up staying longer than most. It was a blast! I met interesting people from all over the place.


[6] Please see the films: The Firm and Runaway Jury. (Looking for other review on The Firm... I mentioned Runaway Jury in previous posts. Note: I've changed and grown a lot since writing the November 2004 entry.)

[7] No doubts whatsoever about your awesome appeal - concerned.

[8] When I talk about alternative laundry, feminine hygiene products also spring to mind. Depending on circumstances, I use a mix of things -- including disposable pads, unfortunately. Washable cloth pads are great. I've also used The Keeper from Eco-Logique (they seem to have closed), and there's the DivaCup. The Keeper's made of 'natural' rubber; the DivaCup is made of silicone. See more on menstrual health.

[9] I may post an outline of my résumé later, so people can better appreciate why my getting absolutely NO JOB INTERVIEWS seems odd. (Correction: I did get calls from two women's organizations, for which I am grateful. It let me know that my experience is worth something.) I kept applying for restaurant work because there seemed to be less government interference in this area of employment - at first.

[10] Many people have implied that I wasn't looking hard enough for jobs, or that my standards were perhaps too high, and so on. Well, at one point, I was washing dishes for minimum wage. I'd say that's pretty desperate and willing. Still, I've come to see beauty in humility, ever since being abroad. But perhaps I've taken up masochistic subservience a little too willingly (yikes). Some of my employers have been awful. I certainly didn't put up with sh*t when I was in school - but I've changed a lot.