Personal, universal integrity

(I'm reposting this blogpost because of an unwelcome comment left in my previous entry. It's important to set limits and boundaries for oneself. I am choosing peace.)

For those who are new to this weblog, below are highlights of the ideas, values, and goals that made me an interesting subject for intelligence agencies.

When I was claiming to be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually unwell (and having looked for many cures and solutions), no one believed me. To everyone else, I seemed perfectly 'normal' and sane. Yet, the depths of my pain, anger, despair, and ultimate madness manifested in many other ways.

As I struggle to balance the different sides of myself and how I've become, my personal learning, sensitive nature, socializations, internalized oppressions, various experiences, intense moments, the painful discovery of Big Brother's inhumane ways, and so on, are all surfacing in one great big jumble. As a result of my chaotic journey, I've done a serious disservice to many people, particularly to switched-on activists and people of colour in my recent posts and interpersonal connections.

I also minimize complex issues on here; yet I don't feel inclined to explore these myriad topics. However, they are tied into how and why my surveillance situation has turned into such a widespread phenomena. Illegal public and private surveillance is something that should be questioned by all: there need to be check systems and legislative controls in place.

Please help raise some awareness, folks. Talk about it, write about it, and get people thinking!


Freedom Lost

Something inside me yearns for freedom - perhaps too much so. This excerpt from the 'Afterword' in The Colonizer and The Colonized by Albert Memmi (somewhat dated, yet highly educational) resonates closely with my own views; hence, my sense of urgency [1] :

[Jean-Paul] Sartre and [Albert] Memmi shared the experience of growing to maturity in the age of empire, of surviving the fury of the war years, and of suddenly finding themselves on the other side, with all the old rules in disarray. Neither had lost faith in human goodness, and both wanted to create new forms of social organization that would allow for the rekindling of the human spirit. They saw in the end of colonialism the promise that a more rational moment was at hand, in which, as Memmi says, people would be 'whole and free.' [snip; emphasis added]

Susan Gilson Miller
Cambridge, Massachusetts
September 1990

I had a similar vision. Mine is quite practicable, as it contains key elements of human survival and development, such as: personal growth, health, education, economic self-sufficiency, community development, environmental stewardship, information management, and so on. I also believe in ACTION LEARNING. [2]

One of my many 'crimes' has been to try and bridge social, environmental, political, and economic reforms - while calling for honest stewardship. I have also strongly encouraged the use of innovative organizational change methods among the Left. [3] Big Brother has co-opted my interests and social marketing approaches, in order to form an even more powerful capitalist structure.

Co-operatives are a great remedy for many of society's problems. [4] Co-operatives also provide an empowering counterbalance to capitalism and corporate-controlled globalization. [5]

Holistic ways of learning and creating change are important, too. Some of my views on education are reflected in this book summary: Spirituality and education: A conceptual analysis by Parker J. Palmer, David E. Purpel, John P. Miller. Or read 'Integral Life, Integral Teacher' by Sarah Ruth van Gelder.


My Weak Self

One of my major shortcomings is self-betrayal. By being in constant fear, and allowing myself to take on all sorts of social negativity, I disrespected myself. I've been raging and reeling with pain and emotional reactiveness ever since. This has caused me to continuously betray both myself and others - on a personal and universal level. My endless betrayals sadden and frustrate me - yet even my grief is inhibited. Deep sorrow starts to well up, yet my mind and body somehow shut it out.

(Note: I removed one word from this blog for a day, as I felt I may have been overly proud in using it. I had recently read something by one of my heroes that inspired me to put aside my ego even more. Thank you, always.)

I struggle in my quest to be a happy, contented person - in solidarity with other people and various causes - while still endeavouring to make positive, practicable, and sustainable changes in this world. Maybe that's me being egotistical...I guess real change begins within.


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Notes:


[1] 'Progressive politics' are purposely being used to stir up social divisions and chaos, which results in more Divide and Conquer realities. (I've been a test-case model.) Please know that all areas of society -- particularly progressive groups and critical academic thought and research -- are being watched and influenced, with the help of surveillance technologies. The freedom to think, question, be critical, express dissent, take action, or be otherwise different is changing. See 'What is Fascism?'


[2] Action learning and other innovative approaches are often more readily taken up by the corporate world, where there's often less stagnancy and greater pressure to *perform*. See Partners for Learning and a corporate-based action learning consultancy to get an idea. Yet, action learning and action research originated in the non-profit, social development sector. Paulo Freire, Kurt Lewin, Donald Schon, and many others were key thinkers; I gravitate towards Parker Palmer's work. Also see 'Theories of learning' and 'NRM_changelinks.' I'll be posting more links, later. Many community groups, activists, and those in socio-environmental development are resistant to change and innovation: they're too overburdened, underfunded, and rightfully suspicious to embrace anything new. Co-ops and co-operatives may help to bridge and alleviate economic gaps, while reclaiming public input and control around social-environmental issues.


[3] A good book on organizational change is: Learning Works: Searching for Organizational Futures. Eds. Susan Wright and David Morley. Toronto: ABL Publications (1989). Probably only available in university bookstores.


[4] Empowerment Illustrated is an interesting weblog.


[5] To me, the joy of living by one's personal ethics, while being democratically in control of one's socio-economic welfare, accountable to one's local community, and responsible for one's surroundings, makes good sense.

Here's general info about co-operatives and some examples:

• 'Statement on the Co-operative Identity'
  
  
• Cooperative Peace by James Peter Warbasse (worth a read)
  
  
• Join Rabble.ca's discussion thread: 'Co-operatives in Canada and the world.'
  
  
• 'Women in Co-operatives in Canada: An Overview'
  
  
• 'Co-op America: Economic Action for a Just Planet'
  

Been there and back

The other day, I signed off of my weblog, and I was planning to take a proper break. I was partly inspired by a book I happened to open that evening. It's written by a pastor, who works mainly with alcoholics, using the Twelve Steps method (see another definition). This practical guidebook on spirituality and egocentric human suffering is an excellent read. Despite all the religious terms it uses, which I found a bit hard to get past, I surprised myself by reading the whole thing - and even rereading it. (Mind you, it's pretty short.)

Given how political I've been on here, I'll refrain from mentioning the title, at this time. However, I will be including it in my list of resources later. With my New Agey friends, it never matters what the 'religious background' or source is for any spiritual wisdom and inspiration - it's all one in the book of life.

I had opened this small book on spiritual healing, from time to time, but nothing really grabbed me, until the other night. It sits in my nightstand, along with a few other 'special books.' A friend in Ireland had sent me this text, along with one written by Norman Vincent Peale. I do admit I can get overly paranoid, sometimes. When I received these readings in the mail, my suspicions went into high gear, as I didn't know who they were from. Ironically, the subtitle of this particular book is: 'Surrendering Self-Centred Delusions in the Costly Journey of Faith.' How apt.

[Edit: Actually, I believe a lot of tampering has gone on in my home, so please let me not mislead anyone here. Yet, if what I've been saying is true, then it's also going on all over the place. Lots of folks are getting onboard with this supposed new 'moral agenda' and the controlling imperative of a privileged few. Far be it for me to get in the way of such a grand vision - which has nevertheless been built upon many of my ideas, experiences, insights, interests, and so on, and will continue to oppress and exploit many innocent people for years to come. But that's how things are. I should take responsibility: I deserve all the sh*t I've been through. Basic civil rights, human dignity, democracy, and freedom should be undermined - by all means possible. Us independent types might upset or usurp the status quo. You never know.]


Getting Clear

I went back to work today (technically, yesterday), after a week-and-a-half of rest. This has been an important time for me. I've learned so much, and I've done a lot of personal healing. Before I hurried off (on the verge of being late, as always), I was looking at my weblog, and I suddenly realized what a massive f*cking EGO I have. I mean, who the heck do I think I am?? Is it realistic for me to think I can take on the nation, or even the world?! Geez, I'm an idiot.

Focus is something I've always struggled with - big time. Yet I've been having this trait continually modelled for me. In one of the most epiphanic times of my life, I've had to consider my priorities and take a good hard look at myself: who am I, where am I going, what do I want, and so on. It's been an interesting week or so.

Part of the problem is, I do feel a responsibility towards others, and to a greater cause. I also want to make sure that everyone is safe. Yet, perhaps, I lack practical foundation - or I don't go about it in the right way. My stubborn ego and huge pride often seem to get in the way.

Regardless, I've decided to direct myself and my efforts in more positive ways, which I had said that I would do in an earlier post. Yet, I needed to allow myself time to fully integrate where my thoughts and feelings were going, mixed up as they are with my current layers of personal trauma and stored-up bodily emotions. It's been a very long and arduous journey - and hey, I'm only human, after all.

Still, for those of you who may consider my current situation quite hopeless, I myself know that there are many safeguards. Among other things, I take comfort in the fact that one of our oldest family friends is a court judge of the highest order. I've also taken many precautionary steps, and I have more than enough evidence to prove my circumstances. The question is how to do so peacably and amicably.


I hope you all have yourselves a wonderful day!

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Notes:

One thing that I've always found helpful in finding personal balance is getting together with people in intentional groups, and engaging in participatory learning:

• Participatory Learning and Action website
  
  
• Participatory Learning Techniques