Zerzetsen - Exactly what I was experiencing

As the surveillance and harassment intensified, it felt like I was being tormented, with no proof - like sensory deprivation. I was a basketcase, at times. Interestingly, all of these things described by Roderick Russell below - even the helicopters, but not the shootings or crashed car - happened to me. 

Yet no one believed me. I live alone and did not have the benefit of witnesses. I also do not communicate in a way that's believable. Throughout my life, people have tended to doubt me, despite my telling the truth or being correct in my speculation / suppositions / conclusions. I've often been right, yet people dismiss me as a 'flighty female'.

Canada's Moral Dilemma: Torture in Canada

CSIS – Symptomatic of a crisis in our democracy

By Roderick Russell

What it is like to be a victim of zerzetsen?

As the wiki shows, zerzetsen is a combination of defamation and criminal threats – both different sides of the same zerzetsen coin. Its purpose is to poison every aspect of a person’s life.

In my case it started with a professionally done defamation/slander job in Vancouver, Canada after I left Grosvenor International. Headhunters who once sought me out now avoided me. I applied for thousands of jobs, but to no avail. I had become unemployable. 

Then the threats started. Hundreds of telephone calls with no one on the other end of the line. Stalkers began to follow us around. We were under surveillance. Prowlers around the house. Telephones tapped; Mail interfered with. We feared for our lives; yet not one word was spoken. This is zerzetsen - It is designed to mirror the complaints a paranoid would make, except that I have plenty of witnesses to corroborate. The initial purpose of the threats was to stop me complaining about the slandering.
Read more at the link below...

http://www.scribd.com/doc/24149049/Canada-s-Moral-Dilemma-Torture-by-CSIS-A-Crisis-in-Democracy

It Finally Ends - But the quest for credibility remains

Yep, it's over.

Virtually all signs of surveillance and harassment stopped in the Autumn of 2005, when I was put into hospital by my mother. A family friend, who is a former diplomat from China and was interviewed many times by CSIS, had said - 'If you ever go into hospital, your credibility is gone and the harassment will stop.' Well, everything did stop. (Almost everything - info to come.)

Below are comments by:

1) a former therapist,
2) my relative (a Canadian Who's Who honoree), and
3) my mother.

(All names edited.)

---

L, I'm forwarding Dr. XXX's comments.  Mom

---

Subject: RE: security and harrassment
Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:21:09 -0500


          MM,

I am fascinated by your description of the surveillance and harassment that was experienced by both of you. It has given me a new perspective and new insight into L’s situation. In my profession, I usually deal with the phenomenology of mental illness, but I also keep an open mind about the veracity of the stories that I hear as some of them can be grounded in reality.

I am sorry that my overly clinical approach might have alienated L. previously. When you have the chance, I’d appreciate it if you can tell her that I can change my previous diagnosis, and if she wishes, I can help her again.

With best regards,

Dr. XXX.

---

Subject: RE: security and harrassment

L's problem was that she wanted to "outsmart" the surveillancers, or to "avoid" being surveillanced, so it became a mind game between
her and her harrassers.  In the end, her nerves were so frayed and wrought, she literally was afraid of her own shadow.  I remember the
terror on her face when a stranger unintentionally bumped into her when crossing the street, and every restaurant we went to she thought
the people at the nearby tables were possible harrassers.  Yes, W. was right in saying L. thought she was being surveillanced more than
she actually was; she was simply stressed beyond her capacity.  Just like the recent forwarded e-mail said:  if you hold a glass of water in
front of you, it is a non-event for 5 minutes, but after one hour you would feel the strain, after 24-hours it becomes unbearable; eventually
you will succomb and drop the glass.  Thanks for the reply, at least I know my message didn't fall on deaf ears.

MM

[Note: I don't recall this 'terror' moment my mother speaks of, but I was perpetually stressed and had reasons to be nervous. See this post.]

 

---

Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2008 21:17:06 -0500
Subject: Re: security and harrassment

MM, I believed that both you and L. were under surveilance. I also feared that the Security Office would harrasss you even more if you succumb to their ploy by showing fear. CSIS is known for doing things similar to the CIA in U.S.

At the time L. made that unwise remark to the Passport Officer, there were a lot of passport sales and fraudulant passports on the market. The RCMP were following all kinds of leads to trace to the source of a huge passport / citizenship card sales operation. Even when they knew some of the operators' address and phone numbers, they did not arrest them immediately. They were waiting to catch the top guys.

I hope L. will get her passport without further trouble.

[snip]

          GG

L. went to the passport office to renew her passport. At first they were proceeding on the express route because her grandmother is very ill, and she needs a passport ASAP. But when the interviewer logged on to her profile, she found out it was in the "security file", and now her passport has to go through the normal length, about 2 1/2 weeks. Very frustrating.

I like to take this opportunity to give my view about "security" and "harrassment".

We all know between 2000 and 2005 L. constantly complained about being harrassed. [emphasis mine]  Most of us took a "wait and see" attitude, wondering if it were all true. I kept my mouth shut. Firstly, I didn't want to encourage her perception of being harrassed, and secondly, I didn't want to be perceived as being an 0verly indulgent mother, believing in everything her daughter says. Now I can finally put everything in perspective and have some of my own questions answered.

In the summer of 1993 maybe 1994, I had a distinct feeling of being shadowed. Now I don't remember any concrete incident that gave me that feeling, but I do remember distinctly thinking, "I wonder if TT has hired a detective to check up on me. It's very unlike him. Think of the cost. But I can't see why anyone else would bother." Since I wasn't doing anything criminal, nor was I fooling around, I just let it go, without telling anyone.

All through the 1990's, I felt my phone conversation was being recorded. Whenever I picked up to answer the phone, there would be a clicking sound, and after the calling party disconnected, there would be another clicking sound. The clicking sound would also occur when I dialed out and after being connected. Some of you may remember my complaining about it. I called Bell several times, asking them to check my phone lines; their reply was always, "Nothing wrong." I remember [W F] saying that recording devices are so advanced, there wouldn't be any clicking noise being made. That might be true, but government equipment is never as up-to-date nor as top-of-the-line as the top private sector.

[Note: I was threatened with RCMP investigation re: my passport in December 1997. From 1998 to '99, I went to India for a year, and a man would call my mother every 2 months or so, saying he was from my university's Alumni Association and asking for donations. My mother told him I wasn't home, and he invariably asked where I could be reached. These calls only happened while I was away that year - not before and not since. Phone 'clicking' followed me from my mom's place, to my apartment near university, then downtown. My 15-year old Sanyo phone also has a unique feature of 'bleeping' when someone picks up another phone in the home. A few weeks after moving into my current place, it made that noise - even though I only have one phone and live alone. Read about wiretapping below, and for more anomalies, see here (info to come).]

Before I go any further, I just want to mention the timeline of where L. was:
1992 - 1997 Asia.
1997 - 98 here in Toronto for one year
1998 - 99 India for one year
1999 to present she's been in Toronto, and between 1999 and 2001 she was enrolled in [snip] graduate studies.

When she was here between 1997 and 98, she would be surfing on the net, staying up late at night. One night I talked to her, and she pulled up the blinds and pointed at the car parked across the street with a stranger inside. After that, several times more I would see a car parked outside with a stranger inside. Ours was a cul-de-sac, a dead-end street, with only 38 houses on the street, so an unfamiliar car is easy to spot. And why would there be a strange car with a stranger sitting inside in the middle of night?

When L. first mentioned that people were following her, and that her computer files were being deleted, I told her that it must be some one from York U who knew how to do computer, and who might have been offended by L.'s opinions, because she had expressed a lot of her opinions in the classrooms.

In 2005 a couple of days after her being hospitalized, I got a phone call in the middle of night. When I picked it up, a male voice said some nasty sexual things, something along the line "making love in the hospital", and then he and another female voice laughed at his jokes. What stuck out in my mind wasn't the sexual content of the call, but the word "hospital". Why would a harrassment call contain the word "hospital" when indeed L. was in the hospital?

If I had any lingering doubts about L. being harrassed, I now have no doubts at all.

However, I wish no one would take upon themselves to make protests or any other way to make people know that we know. Recently a nationally-known politician, I don't remember who, someone at the level of Paul Martin, Mulroney or Dick Chinney, said "If the government wishes to pick a fight with you, there's no way you can win. The government has unlimited resources to draw upon."

The reason for L's harrassment was because she made a flippant remark when renewing her passport in HK, she said to the interviewer, "there's a market for Canadian passports, people can make money on them." And I now know for sure that I was being checked upon after she made that remark.

I wish L. would read this and not try to threaten the passport office with lawsuits.

I wish the rest of you would at least give L. the benefit of doubt, and that she wasn't merely being imaginative.

She has suffered.

(Note: The 'unwise remark' I made to the Passport Office/Consulate General of Canada was simply, "Can I keep my passport?" I was having second thoughts about having my passport renewed outside of Canada - and also, working and travelling in Asia, my passport still had a work visa in it. Yet the woman immediately accused me of trying to commit a 'felony'. What?! Unbeknownst to me, she wrote me down in some file. When I returned to Canada and tried to get a Canadian-issued passport on short notice (as my plane ticket was due to expire), I was refused and was later threatened with an RCMP investigation.)


Wiretapping - A Few Perspectives

1. How To Wiretap, or Not   - This is a real eye-opener, written by lawyer Scott Greenfield.**

2. How can you tell if your phone is tapped?, page 8 forum



**Today, technology awareness is key to maintaining a (supposedly) free society and upholding privacy rights.

Women's equality and Canadian espionage

Written and circulated January 11, 2005

------------------------------

RE: EQUITY, SECURITY, CIVIL RIGHTS

Please allow me to clarify my previous posts [to Toronto Women's Call to Action] and reframe the argument I am making for gender equity.

I have questioned the possibility of government moles and other behind-the-scenes control in the gender equity movement.

I have also suggested that government security bodies have long been engaged in not only observing - but also actively infiltrating and manipulating, women's organizations, as well as manipulating community activism and interfering with social progress, in general. 

I have met many women, who have experienced RCMP surveillance. Even renowned Canadian singer Rita MacNeil was on their blacklist ('RCMP spied on Rita MacNeil, feminists in 1970s').

.

Wake up - the spying never stopped. Various indicators suggest, to me, that unseen forces are at work - yet most people still find it difficult to conceive of intelligence spies and plants. Even other activists are trusting and gullible, in this respect.

I have several reasons for believing that government security bodies do keep abreast of women's activism, and do deter or mould developments, as necessary.

Here's why I think so:

1)      I have heard of cases where the RCMP wiretaps progressive women's groups, particularly those with queer women and they kept files on each individual. (Why? Were/Are they a threat to society and security, or just the Status Quo?)

2)      I myself believe I have been under government surveillance and harassment for several years.
(I was threatened with RCMP investigation in December 1997, and have since had countless strange happenings and harassing incidents.)

3)      Someone I know personally was under surveillance by RCMP and CSIS during the 1970s for having different, innovative ideas for how government could function more effectively, while strengthening the participation and involvement of women. This person's PhD thesis in Political Science examines theories and phenomena around women's empowerment in Canada.

1. She was subsequently accused of being a 'Communist.' There were attempts to fire her, despite her clearly positive work on women's behalf. Then, what happened? Identifiable women of colour, who 'fit into the system,' started heading up women's organizations. This disenfranchised Caucasian / white feminists, and thereby pitted gender against race. (A Divide and Conquer strategy, perhaps?)

2. Her case and the surveillance issue were to go before the House of Commons. Friends, neighbours, and others, had been asked to co-operate in the surveillance; but some refused.
   
   (Sadly, in our current times, no one would have the nerve, nor personal ethics, to stand up to the RCMP and CSIS.)
   
   
   

4)      I share surprisingly similar views and ideas with the person mentioned above re: innovating government and the participation of ‘minorities’ (ie, women, people of colour, queers/LGBT, etc), so I'm not surprised that, for different reasons, the surveillance and harassment I seem to have been under for 3+ years has escalated to similarly drastic proportions.

(Note: Other than being the same gender, this individual and I are located very differently as people. Yet we share a common belief in strong nation-building and socio-environmental responsibility.)

5)      Today's advanced technologies have vastly improved government's ability to surveille and profile people, as well as infiltrate and influence groups (organizations, institutions, media outlets, and so on). Heck, anyone and their tiny cellphone can record pics/videos/audio – think what the government can do.

- People's commitment to ethical conduct has also steadily deteriorated in Canada. Pressing people into service and exploiting their need or desire to earn a buck isn't that hard, nowadays.

So let me get back to a basic question: What is the point of gender equity?

- Is it that women don't want to be asking for handouts or favours?

- Shouldn't women be equally involved in decision-making processes, have equal access to resources, and help plan how these are used?

- Don't women contribute greatly to communities, the nation, and so on?

- Aren't women equally capable of being holistic thinkers and problem-solvers, who can contribute to and improve social, environmental, economic progress and stewardship?

Women are half the population. Things will not improve unless women are actively involved and represented in governance. But how will this happen, when: 1) we're not looking at the bigger picture (burdened and overwhelmed, as many of us may be), and 2) we're not even following fair, open, or democratic methods within this group?

Below are several links. One article touches on how Sheila Copps was basically shunted to the side by her peers and fellow candidates during the Liberal leadership campaign. To the credit of the NDP, they had no problem in electing a female party leader in Audrey McLaughlin (1989 to 1995). No need for rat-race politics and sexist snubbing.

'Politically Incorrect' - Arthur Weinreb

http://www.torontofreepress.com/2003/weinreb072803.htm

I'm not necessarily pro-Sheila Copps. But I think it says a lot about the state of sexism in all levels of Canadian government, never mind talking about the Liberal party, whom people still naively favour and who is bringing about Canada's undoing. Politically-speaking, women in Canada are *not* moving ahead: we're falling behind.

Canada is falling behind in women's representation.

 http://www.equalvoice.ca/facts.cfm

Article below reminds one of the less glorious aspects of war, one which Canada is complicitly supporting.

'Violence against women: The unacknowledged casualties of war' - Irene Khan

http://www.iht.com/articles/2004/12/17/opinion/edkhan.html

Men are equal victims of convenient ideologies and propaganda. See 'Support Our Troops' (bottom of page). http://bestoftheblogs.com/2004_12_18_bestof.html#110338035710078623

If being on this gender equity list, or participating in this group, is about toeing the line and obeying rank-and-file positioning, progress will be limited. Exactly what the government would like. Sure, there may be a few minor achievements, here and there, but overall, nothing much is likely to change.

See article by Naomi Klein about NGOs toeing the line: http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0620-06.htm

Also, if you feel having women in positions of power is important - regardless of their politics - all I can say is: Hello, Condoleezza Rice.

Canada is rapidly solidifying its position alongside the United States and their political and military agendas. If you still don't believe that our government is actively observing, eavesdropping in on, and controlling women's groups using well-versed and even well-established operatives, you may want to think again.

XXX

http://oneadventure.blogspot.com

ps – I’ve been looking into computer hardware (routers) to shield my internet activities. But I’m quickly discovering that data mining and eavesdropping by security bodies are extremely advanced and insidious. All telephone calls and faxes from Canada to overseas have been automatically recorded for over 30 years. Now, I’m sure it’s within Canada. The right to dissent is shrinking by the day.

Covert entry: the inside story of the CSIS and the 'unholy ghost'

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0MKY/is_19_26/ai_n6066038/

Personal, universal integrity

(I'm reposting this blogpost because of an unwelcome comment left in my previous entry. It's important to set limits and boundaries for oneself. I am choosing peace.)

For those who are new to this weblog, below are highlights of the ideas, values, and goals that made me an interesting subject for intelligence agencies.

When I was claiming to be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually unwell (and having looked for many cures and solutions), no one believed me. To everyone else, I seemed perfectly 'normal' and sane. Yet, the depths of my pain, anger, despair, and ultimate madness manifested in many other ways.

As I struggle to balance the different sides of myself and how I've become, my personal learning, sensitive nature, socializations, internalized oppressions, various experiences, intense moments, the painful discovery of Big Brother's inhumane ways, and so on, are all surfacing in one great big jumble. As a result of my chaotic journey, I've done a serious disservice to many people, particularly to switched-on activists and people of colour in my recent posts and interpersonal connections.

I also minimize complex issues on here; yet I don't feel inclined to explore these myriad topics. However, they are tied into how and why my surveillance situation has turned into such a widespread phenomena. Illegal public and private surveillance is something that should be questioned by all: there need to be check systems and legislative controls in place.

Please help raise some awareness, folks. Talk about it, write about it, and get people thinking!


Freedom Lost

Something inside me yearns for freedom - perhaps too much so. This excerpt from the 'Afterword' in The Colonizer and The Colonized by Albert Memmi (somewhat dated, yet highly educational) resonates closely with my own views; hence, my sense of urgency [1] :

[Jean-Paul] Sartre and [Albert] Memmi shared the experience of growing to maturity in the age of empire, of surviving the fury of the war years, and of suddenly finding themselves on the other side, with all the old rules in disarray. Neither had lost faith in human goodness, and both wanted to create new forms of social organization that would allow for the rekindling of the human spirit. They saw in the end of colonialism the promise that a more rational moment was at hand, in which, as Memmi says, people would be 'whole and free.' [snip; emphasis added]

Susan Gilson Miller
Cambridge, Massachusetts
September 1990

I had a similar vision. Mine is quite practicable, as it contains key elements of human survival and development, such as: personal growth, health, education, economic self-sufficiency, community development, environmental stewardship, information management, and so on. I also believe in ACTION LEARNING. [2]

One of my many 'crimes' has been to try and bridge social, environmental, political, and economic reforms - while calling for honest stewardship. I have also strongly encouraged the use of innovative organizational change methods among the Left. [3] Big Brother has co-opted my interests and social marketing approaches, in order to form an even more powerful capitalist structure.

Co-operatives are a great remedy for many of society's problems. [4] Co-operatives also provide an empowering counterbalance to capitalism and corporate-controlled globalization. [5]

Holistic ways of learning and creating change are important, too. Some of my views on education are reflected in this book summary: Spirituality and education: A conceptual analysis by Parker J. Palmer, David E. Purpel, John P. Miller. Or read 'Integral Life, Integral Teacher' by Sarah Ruth van Gelder.


My Weak Self

One of my major shortcomings is self-betrayal. By being in constant fear, and allowing myself to take on all sorts of social negativity, I disrespected myself. I've been raging and reeling with pain and emotional reactiveness ever since. This has caused me to continuously betray both myself and others - on a personal and universal level. My endless betrayals sadden and frustrate me - yet even my grief is inhibited. Deep sorrow starts to well up, yet my mind and body somehow shut it out.

(Note: I removed one word from this blog for a day, as I felt I may have been overly proud in using it. I had recently read something by one of my heroes that inspired me to put aside my ego even more. Thank you, always.)

I struggle in my quest to be a happy, contented person - in solidarity with other people and various causes - while still endeavouring to make positive, practicable, and sustainable changes in this world. Maybe that's me being egotistical...I guess real change begins within.


-------------

Notes:


[1] 'Progressive politics' are purposely being used to stir up social divisions and chaos, which results in more Divide and Conquer realities. (I've been a test-case model.) Please know that all areas of society -- particularly progressive groups and critical academic thought and research -- are being watched and influenced, with the help of surveillance technologies. The freedom to think, question, be critical, express dissent, take action, or be otherwise different is changing. See 'What is Fascism?'


[2] Action learning and other innovative approaches are often more readily taken up by the corporate world, where there's often less stagnancy and greater pressure to *perform*. See Partners for Learning and a corporate-based action learning consultancy to get an idea. Yet, action learning and action research originated in the non-profit, social development sector. Paulo Freire, Kurt Lewin, Donald Schon, and many others were key thinkers; I gravitate towards Parker Palmer's work. Also see 'Theories of learning' and 'NRM_changelinks.' I'll be posting more links, later. Many community groups, activists, and those in socio-environmental development are resistant to change and innovation: they're too overburdened, underfunded, and rightfully suspicious to embrace anything new. Co-ops and co-operatives may help to bridge and alleviate economic gaps, while reclaiming public input and control around social-environmental issues.


[3] A good book on organizational change is: Learning Works: Searching for Organizational Futures. Eds. Susan Wright and David Morley. Toronto: ABL Publications (1989). Probably only available in university bookstores.


[4] Empowerment Illustrated is an interesting weblog.


[5] To me, the joy of living by one's personal ethics, while being democratically in control of one's socio-economic welfare, accountable to one's local community, and responsible for one's surroundings, makes good sense.

Here's general info about co-operatives and some examples:

• 'Statement on the Co-operative Identity'
  
  
• Cooperative Peace by James Peter Warbasse (worth a read)
  
  
• Join Rabble.ca's discussion thread: 'Co-operatives in Canada and the world.'
  
  
• 'Women in Co-operatives in Canada: An Overview'
  
  
• 'Co-op America: Economic Action for a Just Planet'
  

Been there and back

The other day, I signed off of my weblog, and I was planning to take a proper break. I was partly inspired by a book I happened to open that evening. It's written by a pastor, who works mainly with alcoholics, using the Twelve Steps method (see another definition). This practical guidebook on spirituality and egocentric human suffering is an excellent read. Despite all the religious terms it uses, which I found a bit hard to get past, I surprised myself by reading the whole thing - and even rereading it. (Mind you, it's pretty short.)

Given how political I've been on here, I'll refrain from mentioning the title, at this time. However, I will be including it in my list of resources later. With my New Agey friends, it never matters what the 'religious background' or source is for any spiritual wisdom and inspiration - it's all one in the book of life.

I had opened this small book on spiritual healing, from time to time, but nothing really grabbed me, until the other night. It sits in my nightstand, along with a few other 'special books.' A friend in Ireland had sent me this text, along with one written by Norman Vincent Peale. I do admit I can get overly paranoid, sometimes. When I received these readings in the mail, my suspicions went into high gear, as I didn't know who they were from. Ironically, the subtitle of this particular book is: 'Surrendering Self-Centred Delusions in the Costly Journey of Faith.' How apt.

[Edit: Actually, I believe a lot of tampering has gone on in my home, so please let me not mislead anyone here. Yet, if what I've been saying is true, then it's also going on all over the place. Lots of folks are getting onboard with this supposed new 'moral agenda' and the controlling imperative of a privileged few. Far be it for me to get in the way of such a grand vision - which has nevertheless been built upon many of my ideas, experiences, insights, interests, and so on, and will continue to oppress and exploit many innocent people for years to come. But that's how things are. I should take responsibility: I deserve all the sh*t I've been through. Basic civil rights, human dignity, democracy, and freedom should be undermined - by all means possible. Us independent types might upset or usurp the status quo. You never know.]


Getting Clear

I went back to work today (technically, yesterday), after a week-and-a-half of rest. This has been an important time for me. I've learned so much, and I've done a lot of personal healing. Before I hurried off (on the verge of being late, as always), I was looking at my weblog, and I suddenly realized what a massive f*cking EGO I have. I mean, who the heck do I think I am?? Is it realistic for me to think I can take on the nation, or even the world?! Geez, I'm an idiot.

Focus is something I've always struggled with - big time. Yet I've been having this trait continually modelled for me. In one of the most epiphanic times of my life, I've had to consider my priorities and take a good hard look at myself: who am I, where am I going, what do I want, and so on. It's been an interesting week or so.

Part of the problem is, I do feel a responsibility towards others, and to a greater cause. I also want to make sure that everyone is safe. Yet, perhaps, I lack practical foundation - or I don't go about it in the right way. My stubborn ego and huge pride often seem to get in the way.

Regardless, I've decided to direct myself and my efforts in more positive ways, which I had said that I would do in an earlier post. Yet, I needed to allow myself time to fully integrate where my thoughts and feelings were going, mixed up as they are with my current layers of personal trauma and stored-up bodily emotions. It's been a very long and arduous journey - and hey, I'm only human, after all.

Still, for those of you who may consider my current situation quite hopeless, I myself know that there are many safeguards. Among other things, I take comfort in the fact that one of our oldest family friends is a court judge of the highest order. I've also taken many precautionary steps, and I have more than enough evidence to prove my circumstances. The question is how to do so peacably and amicably.


I hope you all have yourselves a wonderful day!

-----------------

Notes:

One thing that I've always found helpful in finding personal balance is getting together with people in intentional groups, and engaging in participatory learning:

• Participatory Learning and Action website
  
  
• Participatory Learning Techniques

Vacation time for my ego and I

Don't know if you've noticed, but my blogposts have been a bit 'jangly' and offcentred for the past while (ie, beyond my usual neurotic, carping ways). I've been feeling pretty over-the-top. As of today, I'm taking a short vacation from this weblog.

Someone also recently comunicated something to me, which is quite true: I have an addiction. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol - but I am addicted to finding constant *highs* to keep me from feeling my own inner pain. I'm hooked on praise and feeling special; I'm obsessed with 'success' and creating tangible outcomes (despite my clear lack of these, for such a long time); I love being at the centre of my own dramas; and, like an addict, I have great difficulty in maintaining any meaningful or lasting relationships with people. I'm too wired out. I'm preoccupied with myself and my needs. That darn ego - you gotta love it!

Despite my best intentions, I often have a knack for making a splash and impacting people, be it positively or negatively. Yet, it's been mostly negative effects I've been having on people, for the past many years. I need to be more honest with myself about this fact and take some responsibility. It all saddens me deeply. I think it's the resulting pain, grief, loneliness, and wretchedness from all the after-shocks, which I perhaps need to be with for awhile. May I be forgiven by some higher power.

I thank you all for reading along. I hope we may share many more wild discoveries together soon. I may even try something insanely novel and new for me, like actually finishing writing and editing an entry before I post it on here. Imagine that.


PS - For the record, I don't enjoy writing, and I've often struggled to form coherent thoughts on here. Thank you for putting up with all my long-winded rants, repetitiveness, sarcasm, personal quirks, and what-have-you. I appreciate it.

[Edit: I may be editing this blog intermittently, until things sit right with me. 07/29]

Spontaneous thinking

Added some comments to the other site. Things come to me on the fly, and perhaps sensing people's ongoing judgements and still-lingering doubts about me, this makes for a whole lot of spontaneous writing and compulsive editing.

Media awareness, and moving forward

I'd like to revisit the whole media awareness topic, which I broached in a recent post. [1] It came upon me by surprise. Being in a *low* state - and impulsive as usual - I expressed myself in a most dissatisfying way. I didn't nearly do justice to my long-standing views on this important subject. [2]

I also felt that I'd let down many wonderful people - some of whom do an excellent job of critiquing media and news, or who offer alternative views to all the fluffy information (read, shallow, conformist, corporate-heavy propaganda) that the public is constantly inundated with. I know - I totally dropped the ball on this one.


Media and Embodying Difference

Mass communications is crucial in today's world - yet people allow it to govern their minds, perceptions, and world views completely unchallenged. It's UNREAL! I respect the entertaining and educational aspects of media - and its overall power - yet I find all too often, the mass media does NOT serve the well-being of people, society, or this planet, in general.

People of colour well understand how disempowering media can be. While we may be increasingly included in media representations, we still remain two-dimensional, 'either-or' stereotypes or caricatures of who we are and have the potential to be. Such stereotypes are often subtly negative. (I'm oversimplifying here.) There's also what I call 'The Stickiness Factor;' I'll explain more about this, later.

African-American educator bell hooks has written some ground-breaking works, analyzing the many aspects and impacts of media, social representation, and learning, as have Aboriginal educators Winona LaDuke and Ward Churchill, and so many other activist-academics. [3] Check 'em out. bell hooks has also done some children's books. I had the honour and pleasure of meeting Ward Churchill and bell hooks in October 2003. [4]

All activists, fringe types, and marginalized folks experience being 'othered,' in one way or another - especially by the media. Be you a person of colour, queer, low-income, female, differently-abled, or whatever, there are many ways to get stigmatized.* Being viewed as less credible by those around you, or in the public's mind, is a constant struggle. Personally, the only people I've ever felt fully myself and whole around are those who: a) understand what it's like to be *different,* and b) honestly explore and lovingly celebrate their unique selves, while striving to live by their personal values - in spite of hegemony. [5]


*Note: I didn't include 'being green' in my personal list of stigmas, yet it has been one for me. The whole green issue is HUGE. At one time, I was more environmentally-responsible than some folks I meet - who merely look the part - yet, I get judged by so many. [6] (At least I can see my own contradictions in whatever I do, usually.) I also go 'against the grain' and have helped to instigate change, like starting paper-recycling programs in workplaces, getting people involved, spreading information, and so on. My various 'green' efforts date back to the 80s. I may not look like a tree-hugger type (actually, I have hugged trees), but I've been a lot more diligent than some. Also having once been a vegan (most things, except shoes, and that was due to circumstances, and then economics, etc), I'm aware of how powerful and political food choices really are.)


Making New Realities

Our society could be improved to help ensure better balances. Mass communications plays a critical role in affecting such changes (think Marshall McLuhan). [7] Learning how to effectively produce various forms of media, in order to develop more empowering messages, and help create spaces for different ways of thinking, being, and doing, is key. [8] What interests me about any type of media is its ability to tell a story, to stimulate greater awareness, and perhaps, even move people to ACTION. I strongly believe balanced, informative, and empowering media can help enable positive social and environmental changes.

I also believe in celebrating everyone - for each one of us deserves to be honoured and recognized, as the unique and wonderful human beings that we all essentially are inside (that is, if one lets go of the many social masks of distrust, animosity, misunderstandings, personal hurts, negative or traumatic experiences, and so on). [9] (Note: There are many ways to facilitate such socially-inclusive and holistic healing, and with courage and patience, anything is possible. I'll be posting resources on this topic, eventually.)

So, here's to *all of us* - the often unseen and unheard others. By making our voices heard, and taking back both our individual and collective power, we could help to create many positive and much-needed changes in this country.


--------

Notes to above:

[1] Due to the powerful public influence of Hollywood stars, I believe celebrities are increasingly being used to serve conservative agendas (see other posts).


[2] My main concerns about media are:

• a) Ensuring reliable information, better analysis, a wider range of perspectives, and public accountability;
  
  
• b) Cultivating awareness about the overall messages being broadcast to the public, which shape our collective consciousness; and
  
  
• c) Accurately representing the broad spectrum of society, in a less polarized and more whole way.
  

There are serious issues to be addressed around media and electronic information. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once wrote: 'None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free' [source]. Ensuring accountability in upholding truth, freedom, and civil rights, while striving to maintain a healthy biodiverse ecosystem - and attempting to do these things, without fear - shouldn't be as difficult as it currently is in our supposedly free and democratic nation.

The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt [Source. More about Franklin Delano Roosevelt.]

[3] See works by these thought-provoking academics:

See books by Winona LaDuke.

Books by bell hooks, and her website.

Published works by Ward Churchill.

(Note: Regardless of whether one agrees with these challenging authors or their viewpoints, in a so-called democracy, people have the right to be critical and should be able to express their opinions without censure. See books banned by U.S. libraries.)

Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt
- Bergen Evans The Natural History of Nonsense [Source (see halfway down).]

In case anyone should forget, all of us 'Others'
share many common oppressions:

[4] I had suggested bell hooks as a speaker at OISE's Spirit Matters: Wisdom Traditions and the "Great Work" conference. Glad they listened, but the conference, itself, was prohibitively expensive ($350 and $275 for students!).


[5] The greatest joy I've ever found have been in two seemingly opposite communities: a) open-minded or politically-conscious New Age spiritualists, and b) polyamorous, sexually diverse types (think The Ethical Slut and The Ethical Lover Group).


[6] The whole 'green' thing is a good example of how dualistic, and often negative, stereotypes tend to play out, based on race or other forms of difference. I call this: 'The Stickiness factor.' Just being one's natural self making better choices is never a possibility. At a fundamental level, such 'Othering' hinders our ability to create cohesive environmental action. Rare leaders, such as the greatly-missed Tooker Gomberg, have always seen past these things, looking as they do for real, holistic solutions.

(Note: Being committed enough to seek out the interconnectedness and taking a stand, while making one's voice heard - be it socially, environmentally, economically, or politically - is key to finding and co-creating workable solutions. I have come across many such individuals in the past year. This gives hope. Thank you for simply being you.)


[7] More about Marshall McLuhan and his work:

'Marshall McLuhan, the Man and his Message' - CBC Archives.

The Marshall McLuhan Global Research Network

'Marshall McLuhan: "The Medium is the Message"' by Todd Kappelman.


[8] For real news, check out 'Your Media' and 'Straight Goods.'

"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one." - A.J. Liebling [See source.]

[9] There are many people whom I have dishonoured over these past few years. Regardless of how things transpired, I should try to let go. Making amends and forgiving myself and others would vastly improve my character. It may even help me to walk my talk better. Wish me luck.

Solutions that work - Part 1

I'll be back to explore this topic further. I've removed the content of this post, for now.

Maintaining one's balance

Some thoughts to either keep me aiming higher, in terms of personal growth...

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one's own way. VIKTOR FRANKL

[See source. More about Viktor Frankl.]

Or keep me from overreaching and trying to change what cannot be changed...

'This world is nothing but a dance of shadows; a line drawn between darkness and light, joy and oppression, time and eternity. Learn to read this subtle line for it tells all the secrets of creation.' -- Fakhruddin Araqi, Sufi mystic (1213-1289 A.D.)

[Came across this in a book, but here's an online source.]

Me, myself, and I: Exploring personal depths

(This is long and kind of fuzzy, but oh well...)

Too Many Highs and Lows

I've hit some pretty serious lows, during these past few years - psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've also come to understand the mentalities of a lot of different people - including the realities they may be facing, how they may think about or perceive things, and so on. Be it the homeless, mentally insane, suicidal, psychotic, or otherwise, socially disenfranchised, I've shared similar head spaces and heartaches with some really *different* folks. Somehow, I managed to hold on to my sanity through it all - but just barely. (Thank you R. for your abiding love and profound wisdom.)


(Prepare yourselves for more self-centred ruminations on my banal past...)

Letting Go of Social Masks

My former school days were a high point in my life. I was pretty well-liked (believe it or not), kind of an 'It Girl, With a Unique Twist.' That may sound conceited, but it's true. [1]

I did the usual 'cool things,' although I often added my own brand of social rebellion to such activities - just to be different. I formed a rock band, played various sports, co-ordinated interesting events, won some awards, got asked to the prom by one of the 'It Boys,' etc, etc. Note: This latter point wasn't a major highlight for me (I had actually asked this cute, stocky Jewish guy from another school to go with me - who was also an 'It Boy,' in his own right, though not stereotypically so) - yet as a self-righteous queer, I often feel the need to clarify that my homosexual desires are *inherent*, not acquired. [2] An overwhelming number of women have bisexual urges. [3] I believe most people are born bisexual and are socialized into being heteros. [4] [5] Also, for the record, my surveillers like to paint me as being anti-White or a man-hater. Not true! I've been angry, resentful, and antagonistic towards everyone.



Overall, I was pretty happy to be me - in terms of who I was, and where I was at. In fact, I kind of looked down on those who wanted to be cookie-cutter versions of someone else. (Hey, I was a teenager - having an *attitude* was part of the territory.) Even back then, I felt many people disrespected their own true essences, wonderful beings, and unique selves by becoming mindless drones or cheap imitations of seemingly glamorous others. Talk about boring! But then, who am I to judge?

Despite the many good times I had enjoyed, I was still somewhat miserable inside. Keeping one's cool, and endeavouring not to be lumped in with anybody else (especially based on race), is hard work. (I was also struggling with school courses, but that's a whole other topic...) Wise words, like Anna Quindlen's commencement speech at Mount Holyoke College, help one to keep things in perspective. [6]

[Edit: I just reread Quindlen's speech for the first time in a long while, and I'm adding the paragraph, below. Some of my words in this post seem to closely parallel Quindlen's own, yet they sprang from my own thoughts.]

Much like Quindlen suggests, I did follow my own path - and I do feel I've developed a rich and vibrant core. Yet, I've also discovered, the long and hard way, that maintaining some personal and social facades IS necessary, at times. [7] Take it from one who knows: having put my *real self* out there way too much and too often (easy bait for predatory types), I have felt betrayed, used, and abused, time and again; and I've become angry, reactive and confused, as a result.

I also deeply grieve what has happened, and is continuing to happen - on an epic scale - partly as a result of my strong antagonisms, outspokenness, and sheer wretchedness, while being under constant surveillance and harassment. I don't regret my ideas - I just feel horrible about how intense I've been about everything.


Doing the Hard Work of Healing

I'm now focusing on moving forward. If I can do so with more awareness and sensitivity - while still being true to who I am - I'll consider it a major accomplishment. I guess I don't have much more to say on all this: it's less about words, and more about being and doing.

Thank you for bearing witness to my journey.


-------------------

Notes:

[1] I've occasionally bumped into old school friends in my now degraded state. Their respect and appreciation for me has been both touching and painful. It's like being a bag lady, who's suddenly recognized for once holding some respectable position in life. One encounter was particularly poignant. Yet, as I tried to describe the situation to my therapists, they could only see me as who I appear to be, right now. They had little compassion for how big my fall from grace was, or how far my personal experiences have taken me - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. ('Yeah, you're unemployed, your place is miserable, you're afraid to be out in public, you have no friends, you're broke, you're deeply angry, you're being harassed, blah, blah, blah... Gee, you sound delusional. Here, take some medication.')


[2] I was fairly well-adjusted growing up. However, I've been a 'tomboy' all my life, and I've been interested in both sexes since an early age. Many people may have ambivalent feelings about their assigned gender roles. Mine stem from the simple fact that I didn't (and still don't) enjoy most of the 'girly-girl' activities that I was expected to engage in - I wanted to be where the fun, action, and adventures were! This doesn't make me an *abnormal* person (just ask Mary Cheney): I was simply different.


[3] Queer desire was socially accepted - even expected, and sometimes revered - in many ancient cultures around the world. Kanika Goswami's 'Homosexuality and our forefathers' surveys this topic, using a South Asian focus. Androgyny and 'two-spiritedness' were widely accepted in historical Native American culture. Bruce Bagemihl's article, 'Left-Handed Bears & Androgynous Cassowaries,' is interesting.

(Note: I posted the following comment on Wikipedia's 'The History of Sex' page. "* ...Is it possible to use a different picture at the start of this page? I think the connotations of 'sex worker,' in relation to a) 'The History of Sex,' and b) a specific race and culture, can be unnecessarily degrading and detracts from what is an excellent topic and information resource. Not that sex trade shouldn't be honestly explored, but as an opener to the overall topic of sex, I think it can be misleading. Thanks for allowing me to comment.")


[4] Sigmund Freud pioneered the idea of ungendered sexual drives in modern psychology, although I disagree with his notion that homosexuality can never be inborn or hereditary. Some of his theories are dated and reflect his conservative upbringing and social environment (though he was a cocaine user). Personally, I lean towards Jungian psychology [edited link]. Alfred Kinsey's research revolutionized the field of human sexuality (see Kinsey Reports).


[5] Here's an interesting listserv discussion on polymorphous perversity. I can see where the first person is coming from, though I don't fully agree. Structure, order, and established ways are obviously important, yet I also believe in 'process': creative and uninhibited explorations are sometimes necessary, before better solutions and personal/ social/ cultural growth can be attained. Organizational learning can help achieve better balances by: a) respecting organizational culture and structures, and b) remaining flexible and responsive to important changes, and doing so in a way that strengthens the whole.


[6] See books by Anna Quindlen.


[7] My downhill slide, over the past few years, is partly the result of peeling away almost ALL the layers of my social masks, while exploring some pretty 'way out' experiences - both socially and spiritually. Like participating in an eight-hour long rathayatra (Hindu religious procession), under a beating hot sun in Delhi - it's quite an experience. This may sound trite, but for years, I was seeking some higher purpose or meaning to life. Yet I now realize that: a) there are no definitive answers and trying to find any could drive a person insane (literally), and b) social masks and personal ego are necessary for sheer survival in society. The challenge now is resocializing myself, while staying as true as I possibly can to my overall learning, growth, and experiences.

Staying true, building bridges

Lacking tact and social finesse, I often offend or alienate people. Yet, it bothers me, when I do so with people that I hold dear or regard very highly.

Bitching from the bottom is one of my better skills. Yet, actually knowing how to negotiate differences and share power is somewhat new territory for me: I usually veer to extremes. I guess I have many lessons to learn in this area.

Just so you know, I often avoid mentioning or discussing certain individuals and their respective work on here, so as not to pre-empt anything (which I have a tendency of doing). All of you rock my world! I hope we may be allies, in some future way.

How do people collectively achieve positive change, in a democratic, self-directed way? I have no greater wish than to see this happen. Yet, my huge ego, loud mouth, and lack of know-how are major barriers to forming constructive relationships. I am trying, however.


• · º ¤´• ·. ·¤ ° ø · O • ∞ ° ¤ ‚ · º ¤ . • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ º ¤ •

LOVE • RESPECT • GRATITUDE


To all my favourite folks,

best role models, and true heroes!

(you know who you are)

peace

• · º ¤ ´ · ° ø · O • ∞ ° · • ¤ • ‚ · º ¤ • · º ¤ . · ° ø · O • . ∞ ° · •

Centralizing internet spying

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I've been talking about re: public surveillance. Here's an interesting post:

'Bush: ISPs Must Help Government Spy On Internet Users' 

See the full article:

Bush Administration to Propose System for Monitoring Internet - December 20, 2002

Here's an excerpt: "...officials of Internet companies who have been briefed on the proposal say they worry that such a system could be used to cross the indistinct border between broad monitoring and wiretap."


Don't worry, kids - it's already happening...

ECHELON A multinational survellance network, centered at Sugar Grove, WV, that intercepts all forms of electronic communications.

CARNIVORE An FBI system to monitor email and other traffic through Internet service providers. (source)



Various websites, methods, and avenues for preserving online anonymity and privacy have been shut down over the past couple of years. I've watched it happening. But since I'm unable to gain any credibility about my own problems, there's not much I could say or do about it. I've definitely tried to warn people - so please don't say I didn't.


Privacy products and anonymity sites - plus ALL Internet Service Providers - give a false sense of security and protection. 'Back door' access is always available to the government (specifically U.S. intelligence, via CSIS), without any cause whatsoever. Everything's clearly being linked up, or 'centralized,' anyway, so they can easily bypass asking respective companies or organizations for permission to access any data or line connections.

Radio Shack Becomes The Source

Another point of interest...Radio Shack, Canada's last Canadian-driven electronics retailer, has recently been bought out by Circuit City.

More than 900 Canadian electronics stores to become THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY

Richmond, Va. and Barrie, ON, April 27, 2005 - Circuit City Stores, Inc. and InterTAN Canada Ltd. today announced that on or before June 30, 2005, all stores currently operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd. under license from RadioShack Corporation will be re-branded as THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY stores begins today with the unveiling of the Toronto Eaton Centre location.

"Ninety percent of all Canadians live within a 10-minute drive to one of our locations. [emphasis mine] By June 30, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have the same national coverage," said Brian Levy, president and chief executive officer of InterTAN Canada Ltd. "Customers will continue to see quality, national and international electronics brands as well as an emphasis on personal and portable devices."

THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be the local destination for personal electronics such as MP3 players, digital cameras, LCD TVs and a broad selection of personal and portable consumer electronics. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will also offer a diverse mix of communication, computer and household electronic products.

The Eaton Centre store in Toronto is the first location to be re-branded THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY and will be followed by other locations in the Greater Toronto Area and other major markets. The introduction of THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will be supported by a major advertising campaign featuring television and radio commercials as well as print and outdoor advertising.

The company also released a copy of the mark for THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY.

www.TheSourceCC.com

About THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY. THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY (www.thesourcecc.com) is operated by InterTAN Canada Ltd., an indirectly owned subsidiary of Circuit City Stores, Inc. Building on InterTAN Canada Ltd.’s more than 30 years of experience as an electronics retailer, THE SOURCE BY CIRCUIT CITY will have more than 900 locations nationwide by June 30, 2005. All stores will offer a wide range of brand name consumer electronics including communications, computing, personal audio and cool gadgets.

About Circuit City Stores, Inc. Circuit City Stores, Inc. (NYSE:CC) is a leading specialty retailer of consumer electronics throughout the United States and Canada. The company’s domestic segment operates through 612 Superstores and five mall-based stores in the United States. The company’s international segment operates through approximately 1,000 retail stores, dealers and other outlets in Canada.
### [See article source and related discussion.]

Life is a journey

Now that I'm getting more balance back (er, sort of...), I can see why people think what they do about me. My only defense is: I was spinning out in my own f*cking universe!! I've also been through a helluva lot of stress, and I've learned a whole new set of life skills, as a result.

Contrary to what readers, here, may think:

• I used to be a well-liked person, and fairly well-adjusted. All of my dearest friends remain so, yet I've had to distance myself, due to the surveillance.
  
  (Note: After a couple of years, I realized my friends were being watched anyway, so I resumed contact with some, though cautiously.) [1]
  
  
• Both my parents are honest, straightforward individuals - sometimes too much so. People have often appreciated and relied upon either my mother or my father for their frank, trustworthy, and reliable natures. They aren't perfect by any means, but they're definitely not shady or wily (or convoluted, like how I've become).
  
  
• Moreover, my folks have always sought to treat people as equals. While they may have been socialized in certain ways, and thus, have inherent biases or social tendencies - they do each strive for a higher good, within their limited capacities. Both my parents are intellectually open-minded (though my father leans towards conservative values), and they are sensitive enough to recognize social disparities and unjust realities - plus they have their own experiences to draw from. Overall, they're pretty good people. I have been a shame and a disappointment to my parents, and to my whole family - and indeed, a betrayer of my own race. [2] (So were Hitler and Jesus, in a way.) Yet, things eventually do come full circle - or so I've been told. I'm trying hard to believe in this maxim, having no other power at my avail. Since I have seemingly and inadvertently helped Big Brother undermine public power and autonomy, and thereby, achieve almost global control, I can only trust that the Divine Plan is somehow unfolding as it should be. [3]
  
  (Note: 2001 to 2003 marks the beginning of a major political paradigm shift. This has been partly developed through my surveillers' study of my somewhat unique life, personal experiences, various rants, and topsy-turvy ways. For example, as I ventured out into the world, I learned about imperialism from different perspectives, and also the effects of economic imperialism (see end of page) - particularly as these may relate to different nations, cultures, ethnic groups, and so on. Like, my being seen as a 'Japanese tourist' in developing countries, and learning about Chinese diasporic experiences in different regions, and so on, have all helped to shape my understanding of economics, culture, and imperialism. [4] Having worked in Asia, I've also been critical of China's autocratic regime, the hegemony in Chinese culture, the social intolerance, lack of environmental stewardship, and so on. It's like Confucianism got stuck in a 400-year old rut!! [5])
  
  
• My extended family are upright, decent, regular people. I will refrain from mentioning them on here, again.
  
  
• I may have a seemingly twisted mind, now - but such things can be learned. I've always been a deep thinker. Yet, some of my 'survival adventures' and several years of (racist, inhumane) surveillance would teach any desperate person a whole lot more about the complexities of life and power politics. [6]
  
  (Note: I've never been the kind to have nasty thoughts about people (without cause), or imagine really sick things in my mind. But I've come into a whole new phase of being, these past few years. I'm now trying to refind my core self.)
  
  
• I'm not able to hide my emotional sh*t, as most people can and do. My thoughts and feelings are right out there, readily seen by all - except perhaps my grief and sorrow, which remain deeply submerged.
  
  
• As belligerent and reactive as I may be now, I did seek love, peace, and beauty in the world before. How very naive I was.

I started off this post wanting to rant about how grievously misunderstood I feel - and have felt. [7] Yet, my time and energy could be spent more productively. I have to get back on track with my life, make amends, and do whatever little I can to help make this world a better place.

However, it wouldn't be *me*, if I didn't end this post with one last neurotic display of insecurity. Below are some pics and visuals from different periods of my life.

***

I once felt the world's problems deeply. The 1980s saw the threat of the Cold War reach its peak. I wrote this poem in 1986 (though the background was created in 1984).

'Mourning Dove'

My pro-peace, justice-seeking ways and various activism continued into my university days.

Hallowe'en costumes

My marketing efforts went from doing variety shows and the high school Spring Formal, to helping to create posters and slogans for my first roommate's floor rep campaign, and pursuing various other projects and causes on campus (eg, petitioning free trade, disability awareness, etc). The university experience was good for me, in terms of *ideas* - but not scholastically.

I used this hand-wringer, in conjunction with my Wonder Washer, to do laundry. [8] In this photo, you can also see that my bathtub has no shower curtain: I sat in the tub to shower and bathe for three years - not easy. When I say I was feeling 'financially desperate,' I'm not hyping things up. Being supported by my mother, I was and am conscious of every extra expense. When I wasn't suffering overwhelming depression, I did try to find work, contrary to most people's assumptions about me. [9] [10]

(Note: I am not a user - I always try to give more than I take in anything that I may do or be involved in.)

Hand-wringer

(Note: Water has become a key focus, ever since Ontario's province-wide power outage in August 2003.)

My messy place before creating a home bar.

My home bar (1)

My home bar (2)

(Note: These bottles were empties that I got from local bins; I filled them with water and food colouring.)


I've always been a bit of a lush (just joking). Well, I did use to carry pocket-sized liquor bottles to school, and I have a couple of flasks floating around somewhere: I could definitely hold my alcohol. Too bad I can't drink so much now. Perhaps that's why becoming a bartender turned into such an all-out goal for me - I love mixing cocktails, and I enjoy seeing others have a blast! This Andy Capp comic strip used to be taped inside my locker.

From about 1996 onward, I noticed my language skills started going downhill, while I was working in Asia. I also felt my jaw shift inward in 1998. (I'd had several teeth removed in childhood, and dentists have noted how small my mouth is.) Being a native English speaker, and speaking only English at home, and so on, I know that my verbal struggles and variances in speech are mostly due to causal factors (eg, my jaw, ADD, constantly speaking to non-English speakers abroad, etc) and also some psychological ones. But no one believes me, of course. Yet, you can see how indented my mouth is, below. There is no greater frustration for a talkative person, like myself, than to have difficulty speaking (arghh!). (Note: I'm very neurotic about this point.)

Me, the wannabe bartender, with my former neighbour's cat. This is the friendliest and most affectionate cat I've ever met - bar none! I did eventually get hired as a bartender at a number of respected venues. Yet, I probably lack the organization, deftness, and circumspect control needed to make bartending a satisfying long-term endeavour - plus, I was angry and emotionally distressed about being surveilled and harassed by government moles, who are everpresent.

(Note: I'll eventually post more pics here. If you're wondering why I haven't included snaps of me at my most queer (or punk and blitz, for that matter), it's because most of my photos aren't handy. Also, in more recent pictures, there are those whom I'm being photographed with to consider.)


People would never believe my experiences in a million years. As of today, however, I've given up on this foolish and pointless expectation. Life is what it is. Perhaps I simply need to be more positive, loving, and centred, as a person. I won't say grounded exactly, because I will always be a dreamer at heart.

----------

[1] I'll be posting some email messages from friends to show that weird stuff is going on, and that completely innocent people are likely being interfered with.

[2] The tragic losses and sudden illnesses of various people have been hitting me pretty hard, believe it or not. I may post a recording of the last funeral I attended.

[3] Since 2001, intelligence agencies have been studying my eclectic interests in holistic health, alternative medicine, bodywork, energy healing, spirituality, and so on. I'm not all that unique. Yet, the personal development methods and natural techniques that I pay attention to usually do work - they're not hocus-pocus. Plus, with my activist bent, I always strive to support the underdog (eg, proprietors of health food stores, small businesses in the alternative health field, grassroots community development, and so on). Now, Big Brother is closely exploring natural health and spiritual beliefs across cultures.

[4] It's ironic that I've never studied or researched most of the subjects that I discuss in this blog. I'm learning new things, as I write about them on here. Some of it confirms what I've been seeing, sensing, and experiencing in the world all along.

More on imperialism from different perspectives:

• 'The Age of Imperialism'
  
  
• 'The Age of Imperialism' (U.S.)
  
  
• 'The New Imperialism'
  
  
• 'Imperialism Resources'
  
  
• 'Lenin: Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism'

And also see economic imperialism...

• 'Economic Imperialism' - Interview with Gary Becker, 1992 Nobel Laureate in economic science.
  
  
• 'The history of economic imperialism and globalization'
  
  
• Economic Imperialism: The Problem of the Free Trade Proposed in the FTAA

[5] I'll be sharing off-the-cuff thoughts and feelings about China and Chinese culture - such as its political oppression, social debasement, environmental disregard, material fixation, cultural stagnation, lack of spiritual upliftment, and so on - later. Taoism seems like a good counterbalance to Confucian values and its habituated dogma.

Note: I grew up with almost no knowledge about my cultural ancestry. My folks never really talked about it (they came to North America in the 50s to study university here, and some of my relatives are several generations Canadian, etc), and I had no interest in learning more. Yet my consciousness-raising years at university aroused some desire to become more 'whole.' Like many graduates, I travelled abroad, yet I ended up staying longer than most. It was a blast! I met interesting people from all over the place.


[6] Please see the films: The Firm and Runaway Jury. (Looking for other review on The Firm... I mentioned Runaway Jury in previous posts. Note: I've changed and grown a lot since writing the November 2004 entry.)

[7] No doubts whatsoever about your awesome appeal - concerned.

[8] When I talk about alternative laundry, feminine hygiene products also spring to mind. Depending on circumstances, I use a mix of things -- including disposable pads, unfortunately. Washable cloth pads are great. I've also used The Keeper from Eco-Logique (they seem to have closed), and there's the DivaCup. The Keeper's made of 'natural' rubber; the DivaCup is made of silicone. See more on menstrual health.

[9] I may post an outline of my résumé later, so people can better appreciate why my getting absolutely NO JOB INTERVIEWS seems odd. (Correction: I did get calls from two women's organizations, for which I am grateful. It let me know that my experience is worth something.) I kept applying for restaurant work because there seemed to be less government interference in this area of employment - at first.

[10] Many people have implied that I wasn't looking hard enough for jobs, or that my standards were perhaps too high, and so on. Well, at one point, I was washing dishes for minimum wage. I'd say that's pretty desperate and willing. Still, I've come to see beauty in humility, ever since being abroad. But perhaps I've taken up masochistic subservience a little too willingly (yikes). Some of my employers have been awful. I certainly didn't put up with sh*t when I was in school - but I've changed a lot.