Many truths

I've gotta take a break and reflect more. Being fair and accurate, in spite of harassment and other realities, is hard. Connecting my experiences to conservative entities and their agendas is even harder.

Hastiness and my own personal baggage can distort things. For example:

In my post about Jack ('The power of language'), I almost make him sound like a boy scout. Yet he spoke of being a drug dealer in Calgary. He also had stacks of 'progressive' books - many involving race politics, or titles by well-known feminists and thinkers like Margaret Atwood - but his attitudes were conservative. Much like security bodies are (ie, sexist, anti-queer, etc). He also referred to Muslim people as 'Infidels.'

Describing his quick exit from a Calgary hang-out before police supposedly busted the place, Jack said he wasn't worried about leaving fingerprints behind. His proposed alibi: 'So, I fucked a chick. Big deal.'

He told me he was teaching English to a Japanese girl named, Akiko, but that 'she stopped coming.' His comments: 'She didn't want to pay - but she didn't want to have sex, either. I didn't think that was a very fair exchange.'

Jack told me several times, 'I'd have sex with you,' like he'd be doing me a favour. But, while my self-esteem was and has been pretty low, I wasn't interested.

Someone once said: 'racism gets sexualized, and sexism gets racialized.' I agree. But I also know I've done it to others. Power relations around sex are pretty darn complicated, and seldom equal.

Visiting Jack's rooming house - second level of a commercial building, where about 12 other down-and-out men also room - playing Scrabble, and listening to music wasn't exactly relaxing. (Went there about four or five times in a six-month period.)

There were many STRANGE MOMENTS, like him telling me an old guy had died in the shared bathroom on a previous night. Also, his claiming to be an orphan, yet suddenly 'discovering' his mother is dying, so he has to go out of town to visit her. These comments seemed geared towards frightening me, rather than being actual truths. Hard to convey, so I'll stick to basics.

Jack's musical tastes lean towards extremely hardcore heavy metal - or whatever the term is these days. Some almost bordered on satanic cult-type spins. It wasn't all harsh: he also introduced me to David Gray and Buty.

That was 2001. He said he'd lived in Czechoslovakia for nearly five years before, just as I had lived in Asia for a similar time period. He often emphasized seeming commonalities between us, and how we're both, 'Alone - so alone.'

I drank tea from one of his mugs once. As I was leaving, he pounced on it like it was a blood sample. Some of his parting comments were also disturbing, like, 'Hope you get home safe,' but in a really sinister tone.

NOW Magazine article describes how trash may be snooped by authorities. For a time, based on Jack's comments and behaviours, plus other incidents, fugitive me was petrified about throwing out anything with saliva, fingerprints, or bodily fluids on it - even hair. But I've given up. (I plan to do worm composting eventually, but that day has not yet come.)

Ever since I first met him, Jack was keen to show me his portfolio and resume. I eventually showed him my resume, as well, but without the contact info. He scanned it intensely, line by line, for several minutes. I finally walked over, and he said, 'I'm only halfway through.' It was unnerving, so I took it back.

Jack said many things that conveyed detailed knowledge of me, my habits, my activities and conversations.

I appreciated the companionship - though intimidating - and the intellectual stimulation. Jack's interesting and intelligent, and I was very isolated. Yet, I mainly kept in touch to find out how he was connected to my surveillance.

Note: I did not give or accept favours. I treated Jack to a meal once, as he seemed really hard up. We were both unemployed and struggling, supposedly (see below). I feel awkward and self-conscious, if people give me things, or pay for me.

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Notes to above:


A) I can empathize with people who hold different views - including ultra-conservatives. For example, Bush's argument for a 'security perimeter' around North America makes sense on the face of it. However, I question WHAT the agenda is behind these actions, WHY, and HOW?

If the U.S. government engineered the 9-11 tragedy, this would be an incredible crime against humanity, and an immense betrayal of the American people. Not farfetched, all things considered. The fact is: 'War Against Terrorism' serves major corporate and oil interests.

Last Saturday, I saw Clear and Present Danger on TV, starring Harrison Ford. Guess what, folks: art often imitates reality.

(Just to clarify my claims of being 'isolated,' and also not being a TV-watcher... Yes, I'm watching more TV at my mother's than ever before. Even visits to my mother's have increased. In five years, the first time I stayed over was last December.)

Speaking of movies, saw this on Being Jennifer Garrett: The Top 100 Overlooked Films of the 1990s. Jennifer Garrett rocks.


B) Infiltrating and influencing progressive and/or ethnic communities has drastically improved. I keep claiming 'secret agents' and 'plants' are everywhere. Why? I believe the government has benefitted from my unusual experiences, and are recruiting widely:

i) I'm critical about people's authenticity. Yet, I myself am often not believed, due to my own emotional instability and nervousness, or reasons of race - often both.

ii) Who could they get past me? Well, it started with this guy, pretending to be queer and interested in a community food programme. I went from wary to super-friendly in two secs.

iii) Security bodies study all alternative people, venues, listservs, and so on. Observing my contentious interactions with people for several years provides rich learning about social dynamics. Manipulating the masses - especially progressives - is very useful.

iv) Working in hospitality through personnel agencies. Having worked at both large and upscale places, intelligence agencies quickly saw that hospitality workers are a fertile group for mass recruitment of moles. People will do anything for an extra buck. For $8/hour (no tips), people will spy on others, and even put up with harsh treatment. I've met some pretty desperate crowds. Recruiting ordinary people en masse is powerful - it's like a civilian army.

v) If economic incentives don't work, throw in some ego stroking, or conversely, intimidation and possible blackmail, and people are quickly at the government's beck and call.


C) Activists are few. Many get burned out, with no compensation or acknowledgement for their efforts and suffering.

Here's the problem: that person you thought is a fellow volunteer or activist is possibly being paid. They may 'talk the talk' or even be long-time community members, but you don't know if they have security ties, or inside connections. Examples to come.

Bottom line: it's an uphill battle for truth-seekers and whistle-blowers.


D) Big Brother's power is growing rapidly. Hello Blackberries, hidden cameras, internet data mining, and digital monopolies. (More info to come.)

The government has been studying activism in Toronto closely. You may consider yourself to be aware and intelligent, but they are deftly deceiving genuine progressives on a broad scale.

Liberal-minded folks have so much working against them: lack of cohesion is a key challenge. Conservatives co-operate because their goals are control and greed. Liberals disperse and are easily divided because their goals are freedom, democracy, and equality. Go figure.