Wish I Was a Geek - Part 1

(Written March 18, 2005 - posting now. Edited numerous times.)

In writing about electronic surveillance, or discussing computer stuff on here, I sense people focus on *me*, rather than the government. Like, maybe I've tried to hack into Security Headquarters, or have attempted to commit some fraudulent crime, and am somehow deserving of government threats and harassment.

Any reasonable person might wonder:

1) Why would I be the target of surveillance, if I haven’t planned or committed any crimes?

2) Maybe I’ve angered organized crime elements, or I’m a techno-wiz with dubious connections?


I can certainly see the government playing things off that way. It's not that hard - after all, I'm Asian. The joke is, most of my learning about security angles, surveillance, survival, and sheer inhumanity has been from my surveillers, though some has been through my survival adventures abroad. But the lion's share has definitely been through surveillance.

While people keep dying, or bad things seem to happen right on cue, Big Brother's many minions laugh at me for bringing other people down, in my desperate attempts to be heard, believed, and so on. But I'm not the one carrying out these dastardly deeds - I have no reason to.

In a typically chauvinistic way, these greedy buggers are gaining control and reaping all the benefits, while I get the blame for any misfortunes. It's kind of like blaming Eve for eating the apple, or cursing Pandora for opening the box of human plagues. Intellectual curiosity, independence, and political resistance in women is undervalued and often discouraged.

I was certainly wary of Big Brother back in 1997. This is when problems with my passport, combined with my odd behaviours, first attracted security attention. Yet, I naively thought: Go ahead, investigate me - I've done nothing wrong. (Uh, did I ever mention how brash and foolhardy I am?)

I later found myself reading an article about a Croatian-Canadian man, who helped raise millions to subsidize war in Bosnia. [1] My reaction was: What about him, for godsakes? No surveillance, no harassment. Why?

Meanwhile, having no shady connections to speak of, nor had I ever considered selling my passport, I nevertheless managed to be put under surveillance. [2]


Wake Up Call to Myself and Others

Still, I admit I've contributed to this ever-growing situation, and I see how it all came about. [3] Only someone as flaky, reactive, and extreme as myself could have escalated things to such a dire level. I try to see this whole unbelievable experience as being educational, on some level. But that doesn't make it acceptable: invading people's privacy, creating corporate collusion and monopolies, terrorizing or underhandedly killing people, and creating health hazards, crimes, and news stories to sway public opinion, is NOT RIGHT.

I've learned a great deal about how intelligence agencies view things. Regardless of one's innocence or lack of wrongdoing, one is treated as both a criminal and a potential threat - no matter what. Paranoia, cynicism, and a relentless desire to conquer and control are the natural mindset of security bodies. Those who threaten the status quo are either enemies or useful tools.

This is why peace activists need to understand the motivations for, and the mentality and mechanisms behind, WAR - without going over to the 'dark side,' as I seem to have done. Otherwise, people will always be at the mercy of authorities. Renowned U.S. General George S. Patton communicates the spirit of battle well. (Can't find the exact quote that helped me grasp my surveillance situation more clearly...)


Weirdos Are More Interesting

My problem is: I dislike being judged inaccurately. So, the more my surveillers acted like I was a criminal or evildoer, the more I'd explain myself in frustrated monologues to hidden 'eyes and ears' around me. This has fed an unbelievably negative cycle of harassment and abuse, as I've pretty much laid out my entire psychological landscape for authorities, plus some handy insights about the Canadian person of colour experience.

Yet, not only do they know me inside out, but I have reason to believe - as a result of studying someone so neurotic as myself, and my extreme interactions with others - they've learned to profile other people far more accurately, based on body language, what they say, how they say it, and so on. It's truly scary. (Note: They are also using many other means to study people's general behaviours and overall psyche.)

Intelligence agencies have always been doing these things, sure. Yet, I can point to four aspects of my behaviour and personal interests, which I believe have influenced security strategies for subverting public power and controlling dissent:

1. I often trigger extreme, primal, or instinctual reactions in people - no joke.
   


2. Having Borderline Personality tendencies, I constantly zoom in and out with my micro-macro, local-global analyses of the world. (This makes writing a coherent essay difficult, by the way.)


3. I tend to apply innovative approaches from the private sector to socio-environmental causes (eg, organizational learning).
   


4. I'm very out with my queerness, and I include queer issues in almost every aspect of social and environmental politics that I discuss.
   
   [Edit: In the CRTC letter, I didn't feel the need to state my orientation; but I have been happily *out* for many years.]
   

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[1] The Saturday Night article is excellent, yet not available online. Such comprehensive investigative journalism ought to be lauded and widely encouraged.

[2] I may sound like a 'wild child,' yet any offbeat characters I've met have only been in the past few years.

Note: Also, while I may seem hyper-political now, this isn't how I used to be. I truly believed that if people could find ways to make positive change *doable*, they would make different choices. How naive I was.

[3] Since 1998, I’ve become NERVOUS and UNBALANCED around money, sex, and power issues - basically, anything involving trust, self-worth, and so on. The chakra energy system makes sense to me. I felt my spiritual growth was blocked, so I was trying to explore this aspect of myself. Yet, I believe my root chakra became screwed up, following my trip through Vietnam, and after my stay in India. (See more chakra info.)