Today's post

I am so pumped. After attending some great events, I went to work and did a lot of surveys, which was good. (Today's survey topic was Toronto's airport, coincidentally enough. More info to come.)

Yet, I don't think being productive is what's got me going. I woke up today, wrote a few neurotic emails (gawd, when will I ever stop?), did my daily exercise; then, I went power-walking and felt pretty exhilarated. The good thing about having been a banquet server /waitress (at so many different places) is that I can now do walkathons - even in a bloody blizzard. I have a friend (one of my few), who travels by foot everywhere. It doesn't matter how far, how late, or what the weather is like, we do the biped shuffle, traversing downtown and beyond.

I think another factor in my upbeat, yet sad mood, today - if you can be both at once - has been reminiscing about the past. I was able to share a bit about my previous experiences with someone, and it made me realize how much I need to be in touch with people (even if they're going to be more intensely surveilled, as a result). Hey, I'm just a human being, with basic needs.

But I'm probably not going to have much of a social life, if I keep talking about growing political agendas that are happening on an epic-scale. Even people with the best of intentions can only take so much. I had already alienated most of my old or good friends, early on, with my seemingly paranoid claims of surveillance (most of my friends aren't activist-types, more like New-Agey). But I'm more coherent now, so some do realize that there's substance to what I've been saying, plus an overall consistency. Those who know me well have quietly accepted that 'something' is going on - everyone, that is, except for my mother, who persistently defends the goodness and guilelessness in others, in spite of their ready betrayals, and she still doubts my fantastical theories. Who wouldn't?

Still, I've watched so many treacherous people actively betraying those around them - even when lives are at stake, and in spite of the seeming closeness of their relationships - that it boggles the mind. And I have to wonder why I try so hard to let people know about it? It serves no purpose, other than to piss people off, hurt them, or make them wary. This makes ME the rat, lunatic, or freak (and a bitter one, at that). In the past year or so, I've really come to see a whole - new - world. It grieves me beyond belief. Yet, this is human existence.

Unfortunately, I can't be warm and smiling towards people, pretending like everything's normal. Yet, feeling sincere compassion or concern for others has also become painful and difficult for me - just as being constantly on-guard has killed my spontaneity. Not being believed, for such a long time, has definitely warped me.

People think I'm distorting the truth or hiding important details, yet: i) I'm struggling to counter people's deeply entrenched perceptions, stereotypes, and assumptions; ii) I share far more about myself than is necessary, and iii) I go to great lengths to build common understanding - too much so. I probably undervalue and disrespect myself in the process.

This post has gotten pretty heavy and serious, but I think I needed to address these issues. I met a wonderful facilitator once, who spoke about emotionally going into the dips and valleys, in order to get to the mountaintop. Looking back at all the incredible people, who have touched my life with their beauty and wisdom, it amazes me that I now find myself in such a bizarre and awful situation. Wow.

(I may not be checking my emails for awhile. I was probably reaching out to people too much, as a way to distract myself from my own healing.)