Why Am I in this Pickle?

La Dolce Vita

I feel like I've been screaming my lungs out for a very long time. Serious developments are underway, which are affecting countless people, plus the future of Toronto, Canada, and the world at large. (Yes, it's really that big.) Yet, my being continually disbelieved, dismissed, and ridiculed by so many - including the very people and organizations that I care about - is enough to turn one into a twisted, wretched, and hateful person. Hey, at least I can admit it.

Undergoing major depression, and feeling betrayed and constantly invalidated - especially as a mental health patient - are all minor experiences compared to my surveillance. I've been harassed and indirectly threatened, both in and outside my home, for nearly four years. [1] What I describe on here is but a mere fraction of what actually goes on.

People with jobs, emotional support, a comfortable lifestyle, and so on, sit in judgement upon me, while those who have betrayed me most offer not even a hint of apology. I've become a wreck, socially - I have ZERO PRIVACY - and I can also well appreciate how military and mafia types feel, being on guard constantly. This stuff doesn't only happen in the movies, people. I lived like a fugitive on the lam for almost three whole years, day in and day out (see below).

Equally distressing is how the entrenched corruption that already existed in this city has proliferated into a generalized 'everybody's in on it' network. Now Magazine's portentous article heading says it all:

THE END OF ACCOUNTABILITY: New finger-pointing technologies treat adults like children (Feb. 24 - Mar. 2, 2005)

Note: I find the title relevant, not the article, itself. [2]


Why Am I in This Pickle?

I'll eventually post a summary about how I got into this desperate situation. But for now, let me just deal with the basic question: 'Why me?' So many people have said to me: 'Do you really think you're that special?' 'Why would CSIS waste their time on you?'

Well, I have to admit, there were some chance happenings that took things to a higher level (eg, the FBI, my neighbour's connections, etc). NOBODY ever believes my claims about being under surveillance. So I can't control what people say in my presence, or who they associate with - MUCH AS I TRY TO WARN PEOPLE THAT *EVERYTHING* IS BEING RECORDED AND CLOSELY STUDIED.

Still, I have to take responsibility for myself. Here's how I see things:

I believe my outspoken views, pent-up anger, reactiveness, and isolation from others - combined with my wacky ideas, unorthodox approaches, and strong desire for social upliftment - made me an easy target for bullying and abuse by authorities. And, the more stuff they did to me, the more I tried to escape their relentless scrutiny and intimidation - not because I had done anything wrong, but simply because I cherish my freedom dearly. I was also in a hyper state of fight-or-flight; this intensified level of stress probably began in 1997. [3]

I believe my unusual responses and creative forms of resistance have actually helped Big Brother improve their surveillance techniques. While that may sound self-aggrandizing, I have reasons for believing this is true. Their enhanced skills in intuiting people's subconscious thoughts and behaviours, and thereby, controlling social interactions on a wide scale, are truly frightening. [4]


This Ain't No Fairy Tale

Here's a short list of how my presumed persecution by authorities has affected my behaviours, and has helped to create a New Me, ever since 2001:

• I often avoid speaking about certain topics aloud;


• I try not to make plans in advance, in order to minimize government interference and the possibility of being set-up. (It's gotten to the point where even seeing a movie with my mother can be meddled with. It's shockingly easy.)


• I've written umpteen frenzied notes to people, and still do;


• I always try to shield my writing from hidden cameras, and I burn most of my letters after;


• I began to use payphones in 2001, almost exclusively, and I asked most people never to call me - I did this for three years;


• I believe all of my mail is being tracked, and some of it has been opened; plus, anyone I may write to will be closely watched (examples to come);


• I stopped playing certain types of protest music, and music with any strong cultural bias (eg, native Indian, African, etc);


• I've avoided contacting many people - especially old friends, or people from marginalized groups - to avoid subjecting them to more government spying and indirect forms of harassment. [5]

Being watched and stalked on a constant basis ain't no picnic. But I now have a better grasp of what's going on, who's doing it and why, and how it all works. I was so naive about intelligence agencies before.

Thankfully, I've learned so much from my favourite radio station, and the wonderful people who work and volunteer there. This awesome, rockin' station has been a much-needed balm for my sanity. Yet, I also worry about them, as I believe they've become a key focus for Big Brother. The station has seen many changes since 2003, and some subtle shifts have happened, or are currently underway. [6][7]


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[1] My surveillance began before the September 11 attacks in New York transformed security measures in North America. In fact, the day after that unbelievable tragedy, I received a wrong number phone message in Arabic. The telephone number was (416) 000-0000 - kind of like 'Ground Zero.' A Bell Canada representative confirmed that such a number could only be set from within Bell.

[2] Anyone that analyzes media, or has studied advertising, is bound to have noticed how visually bold and unusually flamboyant frontcover pages and lead stories have become across all of Toronto's major newspapers. This sudden and measurable break with tradition began within the past two years.

The phrase 'the tipping point' also seems to be popping up in popular media. Please check out this book by the same name: The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell. This intriguing bestseller identifies how social trends develop, and the ways in which innovation can spread.


[3] My first of many therapists diagnosed me as having post-traumatic stress. Yet, I now believe it's 'complex post-traumatic stress' - or Borderline Personality Disorder. That's why school, family, and just about everything was too much for me. Believe it or not, I used to be a nice, well-liked, and, dare I say, guileless person. These past many years have been like an intensive bootcamp for social politics, and my waking up to how things actually work.


[4] I'll be posting links and book titles that exemplify my interest in astrology, psychology, self-help, spirituality, and so on. I believe the government was surprised at my ability to guess people's astrology signs and their personality types, as well as my tuning-in closely to people's adverse social responses (more details to come).


[5] All the people from my past, and those whom I currently interact with - even briefly - have been, or are being, closely watched and studied.


[6] While I often praise this particular radio station, I also believe they are undergoing critical transformation, as a result of government surveillance. Small, non-profit, community radio stations are vulnerable and can easily be monitored, infiltrated, and co-opted through various means, such as: finances, equipment and technical aspects, staff or volunteers, physical location, and so on. The benefits to Big Brother are many, for example:

1. Wealth of information (eg, archives);
   
   
2. Financial control by putting the right funders in place, and even setting up businesses to cater to students, progressives, and so on;
   
   
3. In-depth psychological profiling of activists and alternative types;
   
   
4. Studying social networks and outreach impacts;
   
   
5. Tracing incoming calls from various listeners and studying their social milieus; and alternatively, having people pose as switched-on liberals and funky hipsters.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Operatives look and act the part, establish trust, and weave themselves thoroughly into grassroots communities. I already *sensed* all this was happening, but there have been some notable developments going on, more recently. Several key events also happened in 2003. However, I'll leave it to others to piece these seemingly disparate incidents together.

Just remember: it's all about taking power out of the hands of the common people. Who are the key connectors? What or where are the pressure points?


[7] Here's another example of my futile efforts. After I began to openly praise free rag eye magazine for their journalism, about a year-and-a-half ago, it stopped being delivered to my local area. One newstand was removed from a major street, and another one, which is in a high traffic area, remains perpetually empty. I called eye and was referred to their distributor about this matter. I think I even wrote a letter, and sent an email. Yet, nothing has been done. This makes me wonder whether it is mere happenstance, or deliberate oversight. Then, Now Magazine added a second box, so they have two newsstands, alongside Xtra and various other free and paid news publications. Yet, eye's box just sits and gathers dust. As a result, I read eye about once every three or four weeks now.

This kind of seemingly minor tweaking, and other creative marketing strategies and/or passive sabotaging, mirror the kinds of things that I believe are happening on a much larger, well-organized scale.